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| Twisted Humor time :D | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Dec 20 2006, 08:42 AM (79 Views) | |
| Destiny- | Dec 20 2006, 08:42 AM Post #1 |
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Alliance Founder
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Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says, "You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, her clit was just like a pickle." "What," the other asks, "green?". "No," says the first, " a bit sour." ----- Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass" The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look". "Fuck me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?" Patient replies I've been fucked by an elephant". The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous". Patient replies "He fingered me first". ----- Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers. The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink. The women says, "Sure, if you fuck me." The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ass." The second man wants to live and agree's to do the deed. The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women says, "fuck me then!" The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window. The women opens her eyes and asks for it again. The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the gentlman and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water. The friend replies, "Fuck the water, I want some more of that buttered corn." ----- Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world". "Why is that?" said the other tramp. "Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a £20. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days." The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days." "Jesus", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?" "Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head." ----- There was a young girl who lived up in the hills of Tennessee. She was about to turn sixteen, and couldn't wait to get her driver's liscense. She had been subjected to much ribbing from her older brother, telling her that she was too dumb to get her liscense. When the big day came around, she passed the test with flying colors. She rushed home and asked her father if she could use the car that night so she and her friend could go in to town where all the cool kids were at. The father said, "Sure honey, but you'll have to give me a blow-job first." Wanting to go to town real bad, she agreed. As she went down on her father, she suddenly jumped up an said "Dad your dick tastes like shit" Oh yea, her father replied, "I forgot, your brother's got the car tonight." ----- There once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday. He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today", the boy said. The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" the boy exclaims. Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today". "Let me give it a guess", grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers. She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old". "How did you know?" the boy asked. Grandma replied, "I heard you tell your father". ----- One day two brothers, Jack & John decide to go out diving for seafood. They quickly manage to fill up a sack of seafood so Jack decides to take it back to shore & grab another sack to fill. John is out at sea all by himself when he see's a shark coming towards him. Frantically he calls out to his brothr Jack who is still at shore, "Bro Help me Help me there is a shark heading straight for me." Jack calls back "Yeah Im coming bro" John is freaking out, the shark swims right up to him & bites off his leg. Again he is calling out to Jack who is still at the shoreline "Bro come and help me, the sharks bitten off one of my legs. Jack yells back "yeah hold on Im coming!!" John tries to stay calm and wait for his brother but then the shark bites off one of his arms. He yells back to his brother Jack "Hurry!! Come and help me the shark has bitten off my arm and my leg." Jack calls back "Hold on Im coming!!!" Then the shark bites off his other leg, John yells "Jack you have to come & save me. The shark has bitten off both my legs and an arm." And as usual Jack replies. "Just wait Im coming" The shark then bites off Johns other arm. Now John has no arms or legs. His brother finally arrives to save him. Come on bro, get on my back & I will swim you back to shore. When they get to the shoreline Jack says with an exhausted sigh "I feel fucked" And John replies "Well I had to hold on some how!!!" ----- There were two guys taking a shower. They were playing with eachother and kissing. Then sombody knocked on the door so one of the guys was like im going to answer the door so dont finish without me right. So he went to go answer the door when he came their was cum all over the walls curtains, everywhere. The guy says to him i told you not to finish without me. The other guy says i didnt.....I FARTED!!!!!!! ----- A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions). The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully." The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do: 1. Take a shower. 2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume. 3. Slip into a very sexy teddy. 4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place. She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store. The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there." The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!" |
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Reality is a dillusion created by a lack of drugs! Lifes full of shit, It's up to you whether you give or take it! | |
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| X3rb3rus | Dec 20 2006, 09:09 AM Post #2 |
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I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL BOB.-Mav
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lmao some of those were sick gave me shivers up me spine hehehe that last one is smart hhehehehe any1 wanna try dat out? |
![]() ![]() Age 4 rank: 80,000+ Age 5 rank: 669 gotta luv the 69 Age 6 rank: 280 Age 7 rank: haxored | |
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| Gr0_paru | Dec 20 2006, 01:32 PM Post #3 |
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New Combatant
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lol Nice nice |
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| Rogue_Zero | Dec 21 2006, 05:33 PM Post #4 |
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The Forgotten
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LOl i like the buttered corn |
![]() (FORMERLY SHYGUY1684) The gate to tomorrow is not the light of Heaven, but the darkness of the depths of earth-Vincent FF7 ![]() | |
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| Puppypower | Dec 22 2006, 04:03 AM Post #5 |
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Regimentally excellent
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Right on buddy, I think i will try that last one, it may just waork hehe
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![]() Formerly known as Rakta (on these boards anyway). I'm killa's bitch ![]() Chicks are like giutars, they need to be fingered a few times a day to keep em happy. Go Inspector/Kommissar Rex, WOOT. http://www.kingsofchaos.com/recruit.php?uniqid=bs6yvsgq | |
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| OskDarrek | Dec 22 2006, 05:41 PM Post #6 |
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pink is the new black!!!!
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try the last one this is a non-spam post man , i'm sick , i think this is a usefull post with a hint! man i'm sick ...
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![]() ![]() Military Stats Strike Action: 43,762,299 Defensive Action ??? Spy Rating 135,176,192 Sentry Rating 623,407,104 :lmao:, my spy is only 49mil
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| Puppypower | Dec 28 2006, 06:34 AM Post #7 |
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Regimentally excellent
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LOL |
![]() Formerly known as Rakta (on these boards anyway). I'm killa's bitch ![]() Chicks are like giutars, they need to be fingered a few times a day to keep em happy. Go Inspector/Kommissar Rex, WOOT. http://www.kingsofchaos.com/recruit.php?uniqid=bs6yvsgq | |
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| OskDarrek | Jan 30 2007, 03:49 PM Post #8 |
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pink is the new black!!!!
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where the hell is zak????? missssssssssssss yaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! |
![]() ![]() Military Stats Strike Action: 43,762,299 Defensive Action ??? Spy Rating 135,176,192 Sentry Rating 623,407,104 :lmao:, my spy is only 49mil
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3:49 AM Jul 11