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Diary of a Copper - K; Fanfic in diary form
Topic Started: Sep 17 2017, 10:22 PM (129 Views)
Trystan
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Hi all,
this is just a bit of an experiment. Again a bit long so will post in parts. Thought and criticisms welcome :) Days are dated, but the year remains unspecific, though, as with most of my Bill fanfics, they are set in the early 1990s somewhere. Enjoy...

18th June

Moving to a new nick is not unlike moving to a new school. No matter if you’re a grown up, there is still the new kid on the block feeling when you walk in the front doors for the first time. It’s worse when you move from Sun Hill’s ‘sister’ nick because they are definitely sisters who don’t get along.

I’ve been a copper for seven years now, but the expectations of a new officer are the same as for a probationer. Are they a good copper? Can you trust them? Can they handle themselves? Can you trust them to watch your back? Are they a team player? I feel as nervous as I did on my first day on the beat as a probationer, only today…I am better at hiding the nerves. I’ve been out there for seven years and I’ve been in some tough situations and come out the other side… relatively unscathed.

Expectation of a new colleague is a fickle thing. It can be a good thing, it can be a bad thing.
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Sazzy
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oh goodie a new fic and it looks like it is going to be a good one! Thank you, I am going to look forward to reading the next instalment - I am loving the diary idea!
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Trystan
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I've just had an idea for another diary thing...

7 October

People are always asking my why I do this job. I have to say there are days when I wake up and ask myself that very same question. A normal day usually involves being abused by the very people you are trying to help, chasing some sod down an alley, catching said silly sod, arresting, processing and then letting that very same guilty sod back onto the streets all because people won’t talk or there is not enough evidence to lock them up. It’s a frustrating vicious circle and it can get some police officers really down. Some become disillusioned, some leave the job…and some even kill themselves over it.

Sun Hill is not an easy place to live by any means. It’s also not a very easy place to police either. You have to tell yourself over and over that there are good people there also…a lot of good people, who want to help and want to see justice done. There are colleagues of mine who make the mistake, however, in thinking that these good people only come out of the more affluent streets of Sun Hill. They’re wrong, there are some on the estates too. I have had residents off those estates save my bacon on a number of occasions. It’s unfortunate that there are police officers out there that aren’t on the ground every day and haven’t been on the ground for a long time and so have lost touch with the realities of estate life. Ok, I don’t live on the estates and never have done, but I am there almost every day and I have eyes and ears and…as some have told me, a relatively good brain. I can understand what it must be like for some.

The estates in Sun Hill are snake pits. There are many, some of the notorious ones are the Jasmine Allen, the Larkman and the Whitegate to name but a few. The people that live on the estates never really have a chance from day one. Some are lucky and get out of there and make good, but you can bet they have done a few iffy things in the past in order to have enough behind them to get out of the hole. It’s hardest seeing the kids though. They start getting into trouble as young as six years old, but if we are brutally honest, that is only because from day one they are told there are no opportunities in life for them. They are told they are worthless, no one is going to give them a go simply because of their accident of birth. They are estate kids; therefore they are bound to fail. A girl is gang raped on an estate and she thinks she deserved it, that it’s only a bad thing if it happened to someone off the estate, as she put it to a colleague in not so many words, someone of substance. She doesn’t see a way out and since being wrongly arrested and sent away for six months, she doesn’t trust us any more. So the wheel turns.
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Trystan
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10 October

The nature of the job is changing fast. I remember when I started as a probationer it was still ok to give the uncooperative prisoner a bit of a slap (not that I personally agreed with this method), it was ok for the male officers to have a bit of a joke with the girls…and despite having a worse experience than just a harmless joke, I still took the joking with good grace. Now, if a female officer doesn’t like the way a man looks at her she can slap a sexual harassment case on him. I have seen a lot of the fun side of colleagues disappear because of this and this makes the job hard.

One of the best ways to deal with difficult days is to be able to relax with your mates, maybe play a prank or two on them, go for a beer, be the subject of a bit of a ribbing, or give out the ribbing yourself. It helps the brain to reset, to shake of the last bit of disquiet, nervousness, whatever you call it after a hard day. You rely on these people, your colleagues, to watch your back and, if the situation calls for it, to save your life. It’s a tough gig out there and I think police officers tend to form closer bonds with their colleagues as opposed to other professions. I guess that’s why there are not many police to non-police marriages that survive…at least not around here anyway. I am married to one of my colleagues; I think we understand each other’s moods, we know when to keep away, when to be there for each other…but it has its disadvantages too. You are suddenly constantly worried about their welfare while they are out on the beat, more so than when you were just colleagues.

We hit it off from day one, if I’m honest. I had transferred to Sun Hill after putting my relief’s inspector behind bars for corruption. This was the same inspector who had raped me as a probationer, but he was too popular for the case to stick. I had wanted to be a police officer ever since I could remember and damned if I was going to let him spoil this for me. Some say I’m brave, others say I’m stupid. So far it has been the best decision I’ve ever made. It took me a long time to trust people again, especially since people were a little on the quiet side when I started there. It probably didn’t help that I had all my defences up at the time either. If it wasn’t for my best mate, who was also an officer at Sun Hill, I might have moved on after my first year as I had originally planned.

Knowing him as I do now, I know Barry persisted in the friendship even though I wasn’t originally welcoming because he is as stubborn as I am. I thank him for that now, as I thank all my colleagues at Sun Hill for not letting me crawl away to my little hole. We were paired up a fair bit in my early days, simply because we worked well together. We seemed to know each other’s mind when it came to dealing with call outs and we complemented each other. Was this a sign of things to come? Most likely, but we didn’t see it then. All we knew was that we had a similar method in dealing with people on the manor and we trusted each other.

I don’t know what it was that made it that way, but I just trusted Barry had my back when things got sticky…and they did often. He’s a very solid guy, that’s the general opinion of him on the relief, not just mine. I remember being caught out by some youths from the Whitegate, trying to talk sense in to them, not doing very well, all the while backing away from them, and hoping I wasn’t backing in to a wall. I backed around the corner, right in to Barry…luckily for me. It was my own stupid fault to start with, taking off after them by myself and them realising that it was only a mere girl chasing them on her own. I’m not small by any means, five foot ten…but I am thin, stronger than I look, but there were five of them, one of me. The odds weren’t in my favour. I can be a bit impulsive, not always the best characteristic for an officer, to say the least.

I am also an Area Car driver and Barry was the only male on the relief not to scoff. I can say with confidence that I am good driver and I don’t mean to sound like I’m boasting, I’m not, just stating a fact. The trouble is, even in this day and age, the boys get jealous…though Tony and I have turned it in to a friendly rivalry, but Steve still has a problem.
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Sazzy
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:bravo: What a brilliant start! I shall be looking forward to seeing what happens on October 11th!

And looking forward to seeing what evolves from your other diary ideas!
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Trystan
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It's not a day by day thing... The dates skip round a bit. I actually submitted part of this (with names and station changed so as not to do a naughty with copyright) to anthology and it was accepted. It's going to be published on Amazon some time soon, I think.

31 October

I can remember a lot of shouting, then yelling, and then screaming. It took me a little while to realise that some of the screaming was coming from our side. The smoke! There was a lot of that too. What is it about Halloween that brings out all the crazies? It’s just another day in the calendar, for goodness sake!

We got the call about the Whitegate riot at about ten to six in the evening. It was ten minutes before knocking off time and most of us were looking forward to a nice session down at the local, since we figured the crazies wouldn’t be in there tonight, that they’d be out causing havoc on the streets for the next relief to deal with. Well, that’ll teach us. The next relief ended up joining us!

Someone had said something about someone else’s woman apparently. At least that was the story we were given later after all the blood, sweat and tears we coppers wasted on that place that night. I know what I said about the people on the estates before, but the Whitegate really is the dumping ground for the lowest of the low. Anyway, there had already been two stabbings, one resulting in a murder, three brawls (the women) and four cases of Molotov cocktails being shoved through people’s letterboxes by the time we were finally told it was a full on riot. I’ve not much experience on what goes on up top when these things kick off, but to us on the ground it looked like total chaos. Orders were being thrown over the radio with the utmost haste, then being countermanded just as quickly before being re-issued only more garbled and that last garbled order was the one we had to make sense of. The trouble is, we couldn’t hear the radio over the din.

I have been in the job for eight years now and have been at Sun Hill for just on one year. This was my first riot, well, the first one I have taken part in policing anyway. My first look at a riot was as a probationer on attachment to ‘watch the pros’ at one of the mining demonstrations up north in the late eighties. Even then I had hoped that I would never have to see one up close. It’s murder…On top of the garbled orders, at night with smoke, fires, flares, people in your face, things being thrown at you from bottles and bricks to paint, makes sure you cannot see a thing through your visor. The only way to get past ii is to lift the visor, not advisable as the young bloke from Barton Street next to me in line found out. He received a broken bottle in the eye quick smart and was down in seconds. I haven’t yet heard whether he will see out of that eye again or not.

We are supposed to maintain a straight line, never breaking, as we push through the crowd. You have to be strong, physically as well as mentally, if you are to maintain your part. Once someone goes down and if the gap is not filled quickly enough, then they are through and there’s nothing you can do about it. It also doesn’t do anyone any favours if you panic either. I started off in a line from Sun Hill and by the time I got to look around, I didn’t know any of the officers either side of me. By now I was deaf, tired and losing concentration and that was the end of me for that riot.

The next thing I remember is waking up somewhere dark and metal. I could feel someone holding my head, but gently, so I quickly swallowed my panic.

“Sophie?”

I looked up and saw two worried faces looking down at me, Barry and Cathy. Barry was the one holding my head. Cathy had a cut above her right eye, but she didn’t look any worse for wear for it. Barry had a graze down the left side of his face, but he too looked ok. Relief.

“Are you ok?”

“I-I think so…what happened?”

“You lasted longer than any of us, that’s what happened, you tough old bird,” was Cathy’s reply. It hurt to smile. That can’t be good.

“Barry, why are you holding my head?”

“I was told to. Do you hurt anywhere?”

“Everywhere…legs, arms, head…especially my left arm.”

“I think it’s broken,” said Cathy.

“Yeah Cath’, I think you’re right,” was my reply through gritted teeth.

“I guess I can let go of your head now, since you feel everything,” Barry threw in.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“You are definitely concussed, Butcher,” was his grinning reply as he let go. My head was still resting on his leg though and I have to say, even though we weren’t even thinking of going out at the time, I didn’t mind.

“Where are we, Cathy?” I asked not even making an attempt to get up.

“In the back of the van, they had to pull out quickly.”

Then it hit me!

“You mean we’re not the only three in the van?”

“Can we hold your head for you, Sophie?” chorused a few of the guys. I think it was Dave, Tony and Reg.

“You lot are lucky I have a broken arm right now.”

Pause.

“Is everyone out ok?” I ask.

“Yes, nothing more than cuts and bruises for us,” Dave replied, though he sounded subdued.

We were the lucky ones, it seemed. There were a few serious, but not fatal injuries from C relief, but the worse ones were from Barton Street and Stafford Row. I later found out that a probationer constable was killed when she was hit with a brick lobbed from a balcony. I don’t know how many times our governors have told the upper echelons that our riot gear was sub standard and even now we wondered whether this young lass’s death was even going to make a difference. I wonder what would have happened had it been an inspector or above who copped it.
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Trystan
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3 November

My dad had been a copper. He died when I was two years old and I grew up in his shadow a bit, I think. Not that I’m complaining. My Gran and some of Dad’s old colleagues all told me stories of him and his bravery. He was killed in a riot not unlike the one we went through a few days ago. I have a photo of him on the inside of my locker at work, in uniform. He stayed a bobby all through his career, but my Gran told me that was by choice. I am not sure what I want to do with mine as yet. I know the Met wants me to go higher, but I don’t know if I could ever sit behind a desk every day. On the ground is where it matters and that’s where I work best.

Still, it has its low points also. That riot is still with me, physically for another six weeks until my arm comes out of plaster…hello desk duties, mentally also. I haven’t been sleeping, but then again, neither have many of the others. There have been a lot of midnight snacks and card games at the section house these last few nights. I catch Barry watching me and I smile at him. He smiles back and a couple of the boys nudge each other and grin. I don’t care. One, it gives them something else to think of other than that riot…the funeral of the young copper is tomorrow…and two, everyone knows Barry and I have been close friends for a while now so they either suspect we’ve been going out together for a while or that we’re more like brother and sister and don’t think anything of it at all.

Apparently, according to the Chief Super, we are all up for a Commendation following the events of that night. I was a bit shocked to find out I was getting a bravery award as well. No one had mentioned anything about it to me.

“What do you mean you don’t know anything about it?” Inspector Monroe said to me the next day.

“I don’t understand why I am getting this on top of the other, sir. As far as I know, I did nothing more than the rest of the lads out there.”

“You don’t remember, do you?”

“I did have concussion apparently, sir.”

“You take my breath away sometimes, Constable Butcher, you know that?”

“Sir?”

“You and the man next to you in the line, a Constable Fischer from Stafford Row, were knocked down at the same time by a hail of bricks and bottles thrown from above you. The line wasn’t actually meant to head down that alley, but the message never got through. Sophie, he was knocked unconscious, you weren’t…at least not right away. You grabbed him with your broken arm and hauled him to safety in a doorway and that’s where you two were found.”

So you see, riots keep biting you on the arse. I still have no memory of this and I have heard that the young man in question woke from his coma yesterday and is going to be ok eventually.
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Sazzy
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What a great start to the diary, its good to see the return of Sophie! I am looking forward to reading more. And do let us know when the anthology is released so we can take a look. :)
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Trystan
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Will do. I'll message you the link as soon as I know :)

15 November

People expect us to be emotionless robots. We are expected to carry on despite the horrors all of us face at one time or another on the beat. It seems that those above us forget what it can be like when they order us right back out on the street. Though, for a few of them, policing was a lot different in their day. Before the miners’ strikes and demos there were a lot less day-to-day horrors faced by the average police officer, even in London, I expect. Of course, people were still killed, beaten up and so on, but it was always in an exceptional circumstance, an accident in some cases…and the perpetrator was always dealt with severely, yet got nothing they didn’t deserve. I am not saying that all methods used to put these people away are methods I would use, but at least the police were allowed to exert enough power to get the evidence they needed.

The worst days are the ones where we have to go back to work right after a colleague has been hurt…seriously…or even killed. We are expected to carry on as normal, well, it’s hardly a job made for sick days. You can’t call in a temp or someone to relieve the burden. You can call on one of the other reliefs to help you out, but you have to remember that they then have to go and do their own shift…and double shifts are definitely not encouraged. Understandably so, too. I can’t imagine doing 24 hours in the Area Car. That could cause some serious errors of judgement.

So, what do I do to keep myself going? Outside interests are important. Indeed, they can be your lifelines. I have plenty of non-copper friends, as I am sure most officers do, despite that old adage of being married to the job. I play a few sports, ok, so the football team is a Met thing, but that’s the only one. The cycling and swimming are all outside the job. Cathy got me in to horse riding when we were kids too, though I don’t really get the chance much these days.
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Trystan
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23 November

I was thinking about my first day at Sun Hill the other day, and the first couple of months. It still feels like starting at a new school, you know. It’s weird with everyone staring at you and wanting to know everything about you. I was still raw from my experience from Barton Street and from my probationary year…the same man, yes, so the attention was unwanted more so than usual. I know it didn’t do me any favours, but I also know that had Cathy not been there, the others would not have so readily accepted me into the fold. Understandable, but at the same time, uncomfortable. I had shut myself off for so long that I was finding it hard to let people in again. It also didn’t help that one of the DCs upstairs was causing trouble by spreading stupid rumours from knowing nothing at all of the real situation. He just happened to be a mate of one of the DCs at Barton Street, who had been a mate of Inspector Ross. I wonder what he would have thought of Ross had he known what he’d done all those years ago? I bet Ross never mentioned it to anyone. Anyway, in all that time, Steve seems to be the only one who has taken the rumours to heart and he doesn’t really matter.

You have to have a good rapport with your relief mates, that is paramount. We face life and death situations often…not every day, granted, but more often than not at least a few times a week. You need to know people have your back, that there is someone there to catch you should you accidentally fall. If I had have carried on that path of not wanting to make friends…No, it wasn’t that I didn’t want to…I was just so out of touch with other people, I forgot how to welcome them and reach out. I wanted to be mates, but at the same time, trust was a big thing. Cathy is a saint for being so patient and remaining a friend, I swear. We never speak about it, but I hope she realises how much I appreciate her sticking up for me in my first few months at Sun Hill.

Barry was another one who was not to be turned away. I don’t know if Cathy made him talk to me in the first place… probably not…Barry will talk to anyone. We had known each other at Hendon…well…known of each other anyway. We mixed in different crowds, I was a bit wilder then, I think. I know one of his mates fancied me, but I was never interested, so his mate turned a little nasty. Not to my face, but…I suspect Barry might have been responsible for his mate suddenly leaving me alone. I remember looking at him and thinking, he’s a bit of all right, but never really thinking more about it. He later told me he did his probationary year in the Met then went back up to Birmingham for a bit before transferring back down here to Sun Hill just over a year before I started here.

I am good at getting myself into scrapes, scraps, you name it. I have this thing about letting the scrotes on the street getting the better of me…and in my opinion, most of the scrotes come from the more…ah…moneyed side of town. I don’t know, what else is a girl to do when some drunken bloke takes a swing at her or some junkie pulls a knife? I can’t hide behind the boys all the time. Actually, some of them hide behind me. I won’t mention any names. I rarely go a day without picking up a bruise or two though. I had taken self-defence classes after the rape and they have come in very handy on duty. You can floor a man or woman easily without hurting them too badly.

“Sophie, I heard a…”
The look on Tony’s face was priceless. The man who caused the awful row was on the floor and handcuffed with me sitting on him for good measure. He was bigger than Tony and that was saying something.

“Did you do this?”

“Well I can’t see anyone else here and you were kind of busy.”

Tony searched for words and couldn’t find any, so he just shook his head and laughed.

“Get ‘er off me! She’s an animal!”

“You’ve got that right, mate, so you’d better not cross her in future. We’re all scared of her at the nick too,” Tony winked as he helped me pick the unfortunate bloke up.

Needless to say, not a lot of people believed Tony when he told them I had brought down one of Sun Hill’s most wanted on my own when they had tried, failed and sported the scars to prove it.

Dave: I just can’t see it.
George: There’s nothing of her.
June: Nothing of her? She’s nearly six foot tall!
Reg: Yeah, but skin and bone.
Thanks Reg. Yes, I am bordering on looking too skinny, but I eat like a horse and all that under there is muscle. I’m too busy running around all the time to put on any weight, but I am sure that if I stop, I will pile it on, so I had better not stop.
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Trystan
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2 December

I wish we were still allowed to tell people how stupid they are. His neighbour called us out to investigate a man today. She had overheard part of a conversation he was having in his backyard with a friend because she was convinced they had raped a girl. It turns out that the man was telling his mate of his daughter’s recent experience. She was raped on her way home from work in an alley not far from her home and was left there by passers by who thought she was collapsed drunk.

I can’t impress enough on people that this sort of wild, half- cocked accusation can do untold damage to people. The people who make these accusations based on half heard conversations just can’t think past their own noses for a second. Of course, I’m not allowed to tell them just that, I have to smile and explain the situation, put up with the usual rant of how the police are useless and do nothing these days. But in this case, maybe that was just as well. It was a little too close to home.

The reason I kept quiet for so long about it was that I thought no one would believe me. DS Ross, as he was then, was a popular officer in the nick where I did my probationary year and for an upstart WPC probationer to accuse him of rape… well…you could imagine the fall out. I certainly would never still be in the job now. The only person who knew was Cathy, who was frustrated at the knowledge that she couldn’t do anything about it either as she fully understood my predicament. But, in the end, never having to answer to the rape, he was done for the corruption. I would love to know who it was that left the evidence for me to find after she left Barton Street…Oh yes, I know, but I will keep silent on that one.

“You’re a bit quiet, So’, is everything all right?”

“Sorry, Barry…yes.”

“You’re not a good liar, you know. That really got to you back there, didn’t it? That’s unlike you.”
We were walking back to the nick to book off and had taken a familiar route along the riverfront. Not too many prying eyes from the deserted warehouses that lined the river and less of a chance for someone to stop us for something, therefore delaying that all-important booking off time and cutting into our pub time. I looked around. There was nobody else here.

“Sophie?”

I don’t know what it was, but the story just poured out. The story that I had kept to myself for so long and vowed to take with me to my grave flowed so easily when it was just Barry there. He just had that talent, I think. I can’t remember if I cried when I told him, probably…but by the time I was finished, he was just holding me close. I clung to him, not wanting to let go, just silent.

“I thought there might have been something major to have changed you so much since Hendon,” he said quietly. “Sophie, it wasn’t your fault, you know.”

“I thought you might not want to talk to me again. I haven’t told anyone about this except Cath’ of course, but…”

“Sophie, why would I never want to talk to you again?” Barry pushed me slightly away and lifted my chin so I was looking at him. “Good grief, sometimes I don’t know what to make of you. You are my best friend you know that? Why would I be upset or angry over something like that? It’s not like you asked for it to happen. From what you just told me, you certainly didn’t invite it…”

“N-no.”

“Was he ever brought to book over it?”

“No, but he’s gone away for a long time over the corruption, so he’s paying for it anyway. I mean, ex-coppers can’t be treated too well in prison, so he’s going to have a bit of a miserable life.”

“It must have been a bit of a shock for you to have him at Barton Street.”

“That’s an understatement. Funny, he never brought up the incident with me while we were there,” I couldn’t help a wry smile. “Anyway, thanks Barry, you’re one in a million, you know that? I don’t know why I told you this, I wasn’t planning on telling anyone, but you…I don’t know, I just feel extra comfortable around you, I think.”

“I know exactly what you are feeling, So’, and I want you to know the feeling’s very mutual, but I am prepared to wait until you’re ready. I can understand why this morning upset you now.”
I smiled and nodded. Nothing more needed to be said really. Of course, relationships and colleagues…a sticky thing, at least it can be, but I have a feeling this wasn’t going to be an issue.

“I think we’ve missed the pub, Soph’.”

“Sorry.”

“I’m fine, I’m just a bit worried.”

“No need to be, I…”

Barry grinned.

“Not about you, about me being stuck with you for the rest of the walk back to the nick, knowing you’ve missed that all important first pint. I know what you can be like.”

“Cheeky sod.”
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Sazzy
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Great stuff! I am really enjoying reading this, Barry was such the gent wasn't he? I'm enjoying learning about Sophie too. thank you for sharing this with us, sorry its taken me a few days to read but I did want to sit back and enjoy it rather than a quick rush read. :update:
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Trystan
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All good. I had a few days off myself. Am kitten sitting where I used to live on the south coast and have been out enjoying the weather.

Barry was a gent, but there was that other side to him shown in Bones of Contention 1992, where he wasn't adverse to getting his end away LOL. I think, though, to his mates he was loyal. I think Jo put a lot of himself in Barry, just a genuine, nice bloke.

5 December

I told Cathy that I had told Barry about what had happened all those years ago. She was pleased and to be honest, so was I. I felt like a weight had been lifted, I also felt a lot more at ease with my colleagues, even Steve. It definitely makes the day-to-day job easier.

“You look disturbingly happy today,” Dave commented.
“Do I?”
“Is there something we should know? Hey, have you picked up a fella?”
I nearly drove into a lamppost.
“Why do you ask that?”
“Of course, you could have had one for years and we would never know…you’re a dark horse, Sophie Butcher.”
“Yeah, sorry about that. No, nothing like that. Let’s just say I’m going to be a little more relaxed these days. I know I’ve been an ass for most of my time here, but please believe me when I say there was a perfectly good reason for it and that I really do love working with you guys.”
“Yeah, we know. Cath’ said as much and I learnt a while ago never to argue with her again.”
“Ah yes, she told me you were there when her ex caught up with her. You got off lucky, mate. Nasty, that’s what he was.”
“Yeah, so I found out.”
“Still…one good thing came out of it….our Cath’ can flatten guys twice her size,” I winked at Dave.

The job can affect people in different ways. It’s easy enough to have the psych test when you first apply to be in the service, but sometimes I think there should have been another one after a few years in, especially in the Met. I have found dead kids in my time, been right there when someone was shot in the head and seen people hit by cars. There are some nasty things forced into your life on a day-to-day basis, it’s hard not to go mad. Cathy’s ex husband, well…he seemed decent enough at first, but a little while after they were married DS Hooper’s cracks started to show. I know Cathy could see it early on, but you tell yourself that it’s nothing; he’s just had a hard day…or something like that. My experience in some ways was not dissimilar to Cathy’s, I could sympathise with the fact that she found it hard to come to terms with and even harder to do something about it.

The majority of officers find ways of dealing with the awful things they see. A relief goes to the pub after almost every shift to unwind. I know, it makes us sound like we’re a bunch of alcoholics, that the job makes it so that we can’t go a day without drinking. In actual fact, there are only one or two of us who drink every day and even then, they usually only have one beer before moving on to soft drinks. It’s more in the act of going to the pub, laughing and joking with each other as mates and enjoying the atmosphere of our local. It helps filter the mind, seeing life going on as normal helps reduce the impact of the horrors we may face while on duty.

Sometimes it’s not as simple as that. Sometimes we need to be alone for a bit, or someone has had such a shock that they need a bit of help. The first time I came across a dead child, I had memories of my sister, who had died at the age of eight when she fell down a cliff. I was with her at the time and my mother has blamed me for the death even to this day. I won’t dwell on that now, but I needed to talk to someone about it. Cathy took me to a counsellor outside of work so no one would know. It’s not that I didn’t want people to know, it’s just that being in a still male dominated profession, the stigma of weakness is attached to you, whether appropriate or not.

I tend to take it out on a football, or a hard run…a long cycle. I love sport as it lets me get out my aggression so I am less likely to take it out on a mate who happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, or worse, a member of the public. I know people who go quiet for a time, then seem to be ok again. Barry’s one of them. He will go off by himself for a little while, then re-appear ready to do it all over again. A lot of the time this seems to work for him, though I have seen some times when he could benefit from someone to talk to. Not necessarily a counsellor, just a friend would suffice. Maybe he has a friend outside the job…I do remember him once after he had seen a kid hit by a train. He couldn’t turn away and he saw the body afterwards. He didn’t freak out exactly, but he was pale, I could see he was in shock. That was probably because I knew him well enough to see it, I don’t know. I do know that he knocked on my door at one in the morning in a bit of a state. We talked for a couple of hours then fell asleep. Lucky it was late turn the next day.

Others, like Steve, tend to take it out on anyone and everyone. He accidentally hit a car in a chase…entirely not his fault as they drove right out in front of the Area Car… but had to go through the motions of an investigation anyway because the driver of the other car had been seriously injured. Steve decided just to yell and scream at everyone and accuse Reg of being a traitor simply because Reg told the truth as he saw it. Yes, you need to back up your mates, but not when they are a liability. You are no mate if you let them continue to become dangerous, thereby endangering others along the way. I know a lot of people go on about Reg, but this time he did the right thing and I think that helped the decision go for Steve rather than against him…and he will see that one day when he stops focussing on the whole backing up a mate thing and looks at the bigger picture. Sometimes backing up your mate is telling the absolute truth, even if it does paint them in a slightly bad light.
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Trystan
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20 December

Christmas time hasn’t meant much to me for a while now. I don’t have any family left to spend it with since my Gran died a few years ago, so I usually work it. Sun Hill tends to rotate Christmas Day duties through its three reliefs, so you work one and get two off, but I tend to work them anyway. There are always people willing to swap out, so for me it’s never been a problem. I would rather someone who had a family to spend it with get the time off to be honest. It’s never been a hard day to work, I think the medical profession has it rougher on Christmas Day than we do with accidents from new toys…and that’s just the adults. The real work starts on Boxing Day when all the usual suspects are finally released from family obligations and they get back out there to pick up where they left off before someone else moves in on their patch.

“Constable Butcher, a word?”

“Sarge?”

I followed Sergeant Cryer into his office. Sergeant Bob Cryer is one of the good guys in this job. He’s firm, but totally fair, friendly, but knows when he has to step up and he’s never hesitant to speak out for his relief should it be necessary. I liked him from the moment I started at Sun Hill. He runs a tight ship, and lets be honest, it’s always a good Sergeant who really runs a nick. If there’s anything he doesn’t know, it’s not worth wasting time on.

“Are you available for Christmas this year?”

“Yes, Sarge.”

“Has anyone asked you to cover them on B relief yet?”

“Not as yet, but I am sure someone will. Is it ok?”

“Yes, no problem. It’s just that you’ve worked the last two Christmases and I thought you might want to have one off.”

“For what, Sarge? I’d just be sitting at home on my own.”

“Ok, just thought I’d give you the opportunity.”

“Thanks, Sarge, appreciated but not necessary.”

“Ok, you can go.”

“Where would you like me to go, Sarge?”

“Pardon?”

“I missed Parade, so I haven’t got my duties.”

“Oh…you had your medical this morning, that’s right. You are on beat four with Stringer.”

“Right.”

“Is there a problem?”

“Of course not, Sarge. My only problem will be getting him out of the canteen.”

I hurried off before Sergeant Cryer could say anything else. Of course there was no problem. There was sooooo not a problem and that was what was scaring me. My thoughts were all over the place where Barry was concerned. I was confused at my feelings and I was feeling a bit awkward after spilling the beans about my rape and so forth. I don’t know why, he was certainly non-judgemental about it all and it did nothing but bring us closer as friends. I think that was the scariest thing. I have isolated myself from that sort of thing for years and, well, it was hard to come back from that. I didn’t know how to act close to another person, but on the other hand, things seemed to flow so easily with Barry.

Medicals, we all have to have them yearly. I hated it. I hadn’t trusted doctors since the rape and I was finding it hard to do so again, even though the Met always made sure I had a female doctor, it was hard. The only way they can get me there is to threaten to fire me, none meant seriously, but they could if they wanted to. Of course, no one on the relief knew why I hated doctors, but I am sure the likes of Chief Superintendent Brownlow did. He would have to, I guess.

The doctor Cathy took me to after the rape was an old man who was of the opinion that all women should know their place and that their place was under any man who demanded it. He was not sympathetic to my reluctance and frankly, it ended up feeling like I had been raped all over again. I know, in my reasonable brain that he was probably an exception to the rule, but the emotional mess you are left with after something like that doesn’t think about those sorts of things.

I don’t remember what the original incident we had been called to was, but I do know it got messy soon after we showed up. It was a domestic, a nasty one. This side of relationships is another reason why I am happy to steer clear of them. There was a man, a woman, a dead baby and a shotgun. The man had shot the baby just like that…all because he thought it wasn’t his. It was, but he was too far-gone to even consider it.

Everything was a bit of a blur from then on I have to say. Back up was called, negotiations went on, something happened, Barry flew in the door of the room the man was holed up in, two shots were heard and I was the first one into the room afterwards to see two bodies on the floor. The man had shot himself, but he must have threatened Barry with the gun first. The blood on the floor wasn’t Barry’s; he had managed to throw himself down and out of the way. He slowly raised his head when he heard someone enter the room.

Neither of us had been hurt, but we were both given the rest of the shift off because of what we had seen. To be honest, I found no sympathy for the man at all, but the sight of the baby stayed with me for a long time after that. I don’t think it affected my work or anything like that, but it did give me a shiver every now and then. I know a lot of people in my place have trouble afterwards. They blame themselves for not being able to prevent it, but I learnt a long time ago that it doesn’t do any good. At least, I thought I had learnt my lesson, but more on that later.

We were both sent off. They noticed that we were rather subdued, but at the same time knew that there was no lasting damage. Of course, counselling was offered, but neither of us thought we needed it. I went my way, Barry went his, and so I was a little surprised to hear a knock at my door half an hour after I arrived home. I had changed, was feeling restless and was thinking about going out for a walk or something. I opened the door expecting to see whoever was on this beat at the door to see that things were ok.

“Barry!”

He looked awkward, upset still.

“I-I hope you don’t mind, but…but I couldn’t sit around and- and I don’t really want to be alone at the moment.”

I joined him on the step, closing my door behind me.

“Good, ‘cause I was just going out and I don’t really want to be alone at the moment either. I-um-I was just going to go for a walk somewhere and get a bite to eat.”

“Do you mind if I join you?”

“Not at all, but can I just ask one thing?”

“What’s that?”

“Can we go somewhere out of Sun Hill? I-I just need to get away from here for a bit.”

“Yeah…me too.”

We ended up somewhere near St Paul’s…just walking, mostly not talking. Sometimes the company is the most important thing, not the words said. It was even a while before I realised we were holding hands as we walked. I tightened my hand around his and he looked down at me.

“You ok?” he asked.

“I guess so, you?”

“I am now.”

A short silence followed, but then I couldn’t stand it any more. I stopped suddenly and Barry turned when he felt himself pulled up short.

“I thought he’d shot you,” I blurted out, feeling the tears on my cheeks and feeling equally embarrassed about that as well as upset. “I-I thought I’d never see you again and-and-“

Bugger it! It was no use trying to pretend I didn’t feel anything any more. To hell with these stupid inhibitions, I wanted shot of them and it was now or never, so I kissed him. It was an urgent thing and probably a bit clumsy, but…well, nobody’s perfect. We stared at each other for a long time afterwards. Well, he wasn’t running away, that was a good sign.

“Shall we get something to eat?” he finally asked.

“I’m not really hungry.”

“Me either, to be honest.”

“Come back to mine?” I asked.

“Are you sure, So’?”
“Yeah…more than ever.”

I had never seen such a big smile from him before.


It’s funny what brings people together. I don’t know, maybe it had been brewing for a long time…if I was completely honest that would be the truth of it. I just had to get over my own stupid fears to be able to take anything further. As much as I loved Barry, yes…I think I had been in love for a while now, I didn’t want to lumber him with my fears and insecurities. Poor bloke would have wanted to be shot of me within a week.

I know what I said earlier about not wanting to get involved with anyone in the job, but truly, who else can a copper be involved with? We don’t get much time outside of work, especially now they’ve introduced the quick turn around, and usually you’re too tired after a long day of chasing scum that the last thing you want to do is go out and meet people. Ninety percent of people end up with someone they work with or someone a mate works with. It will get hard, yes. Every time we’re out I’m sure I will worry about how he’s doing, and he about me, but you’ve just got to learn to let go of that. You can’t let it tie you down otherwise you’d just go insane. Besides, Barry’s a handy bloke, he can look after himself in a scrap, as can I.
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Trystan
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21 December

Everything is perfect with the world! Well, it is until I get to work later, that is. Lucky it’s late turn today so we have the whole day to do what we like.

“Sleep well?”

I turned. So it wasn’t just a nice dream after all. Ok, ok, for all my bravado I’m a sop underneath it all, right?

“Yeah, you?”

“Like a log. You tired me out.”

A well aimed slap to his bare side resulted in a satisfying yelp. I didn’t expect the resulting tickle attack though. Finally, we were silent, just staring at each other…probably because we were a bit breathless.

“Any regrets?” he then asked.

“None at all. Barry?”

“Yes?”

“Can we keep our relationship to ourselves for now?”

“Relationship…so you’re ok with it then?”

“Oh yes.”

“I love you, So’, you know that?”

“I love you too.”

“So…why do you want to keep it a secret?”

I grinned.

“Just to screw with everyone’s heads.”

Barry laughed loudly.

“You’re evil.”

“That’s why you love me.”

“Oh yes,” he whispered.

“Besides, what do you think they’re going to do once they find out we’re seeing each other? We probably won’t get paired up any more on shift or at worst, one of us will have to transfer.”

“I don’t think they really reinforce that rule any more, So’.”

We were silent for a bit.

“Sophie?”

“Yes?”

“Come up home with me for Christmas?”

“I don’t know, I…”

“Oh come on, my family won’t bite. You never have Christmas and now you have a reason to.”

“Well you’re lucky, no one’s actually asked me to cover for them as yet. I’ll talk to the Sarge tonight.”
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