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| Lines of Laughter | |
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| Topic Started: Feb 11 2008, 09:48 AM (2,150 Views) | |
| daffyd | Feb 11 2008, 09:48 AM Post #1 |
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:lol01.gif: A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' License plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper Sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car. :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: A tough old cowboy from Missoula, Montana, counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103. When he died, he left 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great-great grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole where the crematorium used to be !! :wow.gif: Talk about going out with a bang! |
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| daffyd | Mar 13 2008, 04:31 AM Post #2 |
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:lol01.gif: GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN) :feathers.gif: To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students... here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was ' DON'T !' 'Don 't what ? ' Adam replied. 'Don't eat the forbidden fruit.' God said. 'Forbidden fruit ? We have forbidden fruit ? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit ! ' ' No Way ! ' 'Yes way ! ' 'Do NOT eat the fruit ! ' said God. 'Why ? ' 'Because I am your Father and I said so ! ' God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked ! 'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ? ' God asked. 'Uh huh,' Adam replied. 'Then why did you ? ' said the Father. 'I don't know,' said Eve. 'She started it! ' Adam said. 'Did not ! ' 'Did too ! ' 'DID NOT ! ' Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you ? THINGS TO THINK ABOUT ! 1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up. 2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children. 3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young. 4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said 5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own 6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in. ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day .......... :playing: secret.gif :excited: |
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| daffyd | Mar 14 2008, 04:36 AM Post #3 |
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:grin: A research team proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic protuberance,the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel. The exact size of which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure. Subsequently the second member of the team performed a self rotational translation oriented in the same direction taken by the first team member. ::o: Or for the non savants a translation that you may have heard in nursery school: - - - - - - - - - Jack and Jill, went up the hill to fetch a pail of water... Jack fell down and broke his crown And Jill came tumbling after :rofl: |
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| agate | Mar 14 2008, 12:29 PM Post #4 |
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:lol01.gif: :rofl: Good one :Yes: |
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| daffyd | Apr 18 2008, 06:56 AM Post #5 |
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A Last Fling................ :ras: Normally my inscrurable countenance hides the inner emtion of my being, however upon reading the anecdote of the two old men, my composure was somewhat eroded. Yes, I laughed. Now I commend their adventure to you........... :rolleyes: TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.' THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!' 'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?' 'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.' HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.' 'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?' I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'.............. :grr |
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| agate | Apr 18 2008, 08:23 AM Post #6 |
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:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: That was really good |
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| daffyd | Apr 23 2008, 12:21 AM Post #7 |
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:angel: :angel: CATHOLIC SHAMPOO While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it. secret.gif The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said, "This is for washing our hair." Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. "The curlers are on me." :pray: :bouncing: Bless you sister! |
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| daffyd | May 3 2008, 08:16 AM Post #8 |
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::o: A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the Head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned' :butbutbut.gif: |
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| agate | May 3 2008, 01:48 PM Post #9 |
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:grin: :grin: :grin: |
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| daffyd | May 5 2008, 11:47 PM Post #10 |
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:rolleyes: HELLO DARE....IT IS YOURSELF.... ISN'T IT? Oi was out walkin' the day before today and I collided with my old friend the one an' only Rick O'Shea. We both got on talkin the way old friends often do as we stood waiting for our pension in a most gigantic queue. The gist of our conversation was all repartee and wit, I thought he talked a lot of crap and he thought I talked................... too much. Me: What is the definition of an Irish husband: ROS: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Me: Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. ROS: I tink he's very lucky because my own wife makes me walk. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Me: The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent. ROS: Well he would know being a Catholic an all. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Me: I asked Rick why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?' 'Who told you that?' asked Rick?. --------------------------------------------------------------------- My Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple? Rick's Answer - So the English can understand them. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Me: Were you after hearing that Reilly went to trial for armed robbery? The jury foreman came out and announced, 'Not guilty.' 'That's grand!' stated Rick. 'Does that mean he can keep the money?' -------------------------------------------------------------------- Irish lass in the pension queue told us of an incident when she went shopping. She saw a dress that she liked and asked: 'Could I be trying on that dress in the window?' Shopkeeper retorted: 'I'd prefer that you use the dressing room.' I'd prefer she stopped earwiggin' and interrupting serious discussions. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Rick was telling me dat Mrs. O'Shea shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?' 'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.' -------------------------------------------------------------------- Me: - What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife? ROS: - A bachelor. -------------------------------------------------------------------- ROS: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it. Me: What on earth is she doin' at that time? ROS: Waitin' for me to come home . -------------------------------------------------------------------- ROS's son in law, Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. 'Quick!' He said. 'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!' 'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked. 'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.' -------------------------------------------------------------------- 'O'Shea, did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?' asked the chemist/postmaster. 'It did surely,' replied Rick, 'but it keeps fallin' off!' -------------------------------------------------------------------- ROS told me about the English newlyweds who allegedly sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive. -------------------------------------------------------------------- My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs? -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well dare you are den, a day in the life of an OAP....who says we don't keep up wit all dats goin' on around us? I'm off to me dancin' classes, :dance: got a date with Ophelia Bottom. :super.gif: |
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| daffyd | May 15 2008, 12:11 AM Post #11 |
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BOGOF (Buy one ..Get one...Free) How about this then.............. ARTIE was a hit man :angry: but a very cheap hitman ::o: at $1 a time they didn't come any cheaper.So when FRED decided to have his wife bumped off he went to ARTIE. :wacko: ARTIE asked FRED: Wheredoes she go and what does she wear? :angry: "Always to Walmart" replied FRED "and she wears a red flower in her lapel." They agreed the deed would be done the very next day. ARTIE hid behind the frozen veg until he saw a lady wearing a red flower. He pounced.... and strangled her.... there, job done! Or so he thought until he saw another lady wearing a red flower walking down the aisle. "I've got it wrong" pullhair.gif he muttered to himself and he strangled her as well. His luck couldn't hold, and he was caught and tried. The headline in the paper read: < < < < < < < Artie chokes two for a $1 at Walmart.......... :rofl: |
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| daffyd | Jul 22 2008, 11:02 PM Post #12 |
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Birthday Girl....... A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...' The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.' As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up,' says the bartender As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?' The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.' |
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| daffyd | Jul 25 2008, 07:18 AM Post #13 |
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A man boarded a plane with his 6 children. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?' He replied, 'No. I work for a Condom company. These are customer complaints.' |
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| daffyd | Jul 25 2008, 07:31 AM Post #14 |
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Why men don't write advice columns.......... Dear Walter. I hope you will be able to help me. The other day I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the lady from next door. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him it must end or I would leave him. He lost his job six months ago and he says it has made him feel depressed and completely worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him this ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He refuses to have counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him any more. Can you please help? Yours sincerely Sheila --------------------------------------------------- Dear Sheila A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of engine faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If that is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and examine all the earth wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber. I hope this helps. Walter |
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| daffyd | Jul 25 2008, 07:47 AM Post #15 |
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Dang y'all need a sense of humour if a password is required to tell a joke! Now y'all...tell me is this too political? Work for the Government Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.' T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.' Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff.' Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?' The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'Coffee Break, do your stuff.' Coffee Break jumped to his feet....... ate the cookies...... ... drank the milk....... Did his business on the paper....... screwed the other three cats....... claimed he injured his back while doing so....... filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.. ..... put in for Workers Compensation. ......... .....and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave....... ..... AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY I WANT TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!! |
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