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| Topic Started: Dec 17 2013, 11:21 AM (141 Views) | |
| goldengal | Dec 17 2013, 11:21 AM Post #1 |
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Mistress, House of Dogs
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This is long, but it is humorous ..... if you are in the right mood that is. I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery. I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. I canıt use the remote in a hotel room because I donıt know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels. I canıt sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed..hmmmm I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking oneıs nose. Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. I canıt touch any womanıs purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresaıs Novena has granted my every wish. I canıt have a drink in a bar because Iıll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone. I canıt eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers. I canıt use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesnıt crawl in my back seat when Iım filling up. I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put Under Godı on their cans. I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer. AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I canıt boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life. I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe. THANKS TO YOU I canıt use anyoneıs toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my ass. AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I canıt ever pick up a Toonie dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.. I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators. I canıt do any gardening because Iım afraid Iıll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off. If you donıt send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighborıs ex-mother-in-lawıs second husbandıs cousinıs best friendıs beautician . . . Oh, by the way..... A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Donıt bother taking it off now, itıs too late. PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet. Take care, Pat |
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| Dana | Dec 17 2013, 11:26 AM Post #2 |
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WWS Hummingbird Guru & Wildlife photographer extrordinaire
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laugh123 Oh, and that's 9 feet but only if you don't put the lid down first. |
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| Darcie | Dec 17 2013, 11:39 AM Post #3 |
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Skeptic
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I always buy toothbrushes that have their own colour matched cover. - so there. |
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| FuzzyO | Dec 17 2013, 01:15 PM Post #4 |
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Very true! |
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| margaret | Dec 17 2013, 04:01 PM Post #5 |
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Red Star Member
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thankyou golden girl, now I know why I saved this to read before going to bed. The news has been so sickening and suddenly I remembered your post. It really is funny. |
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