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Story in Progress
Topic Started: Dec 23 2008, 11:17 PM (156 Views)
Justin
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'forever.

Currently in progress of writing this somewhat short story. I need more ideas before I move on, any opinions, ideas or criticism would be sweet!
Quote:
 
The night breeze was cold, and the sky was a dark shade of purple, the surroundings were silent, as the ruffling of the trees could be head from a distance away, and the old cemetery of Engyro was abandoned, unlike a usual night.
A dark figure seemed to move through the cemetery, quickly shuffling away as someone approached the area. Shortly, a small, red dusty car pulls up, stopping at the gates a tall man steps out of the car, closes the car door and blowing dust up into the air. He opens up the cemetery gates, and walks into the area, closing the gates behind him. The man reaches into his pockets to pull out a flashlight; he turns it on then begins to scan the area. He moves along each grave, briefly reading each of the headstones engraved text, moving along faster after each grave he suddenly stops.
“My god, you’ve got to be kidding me,” he mutters under his breath, looking closer to one of the headstones. He gets closer falling into a recently dug grave; he gets up and cleans himself off before reading the headstone again.
Here Lies Luke Wagner – 16th October 1994 – 23rd September 2032
“This can’t be right, I’m not dead!” he then pulls out his phone, the date reads ‘22nd September 2032’, and the time ’11:59PM’. He closes his flip phone, just as the clock hits midnight. He puts it into his pocket and begins to climb out of the grave.
“Oh, but you’re dead now,” says a mysterious figure, as he sits a handgun on the side of Luke’s head, “any last words?”
“I’m just here to see my wife,” muttered Luke, as he swallowed, the man loaded his gun, “god dam--“

BOOM! The figure pulls the trigger of his gun, splattering blood all over the ground; Luke falls back into his grave, as the man begins to fill it up…
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Morgan
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Safe Boating Is No Accident

The first sentence is a bit of a run-on. It can be chopped into a couple smaller sentences to make it more manageable.

There is also a tense issue: you start out in the past tense ("The night breeze was cold...") but then suddenly in the third sentence, you switch to the present ("...a small, red dusty car pulls up..."). I'd suggest switching everything to the past tense, because narratives are rarely written in the present tense, it just sounds odd, lol.

The story so far is pretty interesting though. It feels kind of like the end of a story though; however, I think that can be used to your advantage. At this point in the story would be the perfect time to initiate a flashback: you can go back and explain who this man visiting the cemetery is, how his wife died, and of course, who the mysterious man is and what makes him want to kill the other man. I think that could turn out to be quite something. :)
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Justin
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Thanks very much Morgan. That opens up a whole new realm of possibilities to me. :P I'll be sure to continue this once I get back.
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