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| Tweet Topic Started: Sunday, 24. October 2010, 23:14 (1,034 Views) | |
| Swift | Sunday, 24. October 2010, 23:14 Post #1 |
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Long ago in the Middle ages, a Dragon named, Turok, a male Green Dragon. His father was Kuzon, and his Mother was, Kiaya. Turok was only 4 years old when Kuzon died. Join Turok in his Life Changing Journey! Chapter I It was a sad gloomy night as Turok sat upon his nest, staring at the stars. Turok sighed, as he looked for a sign for his Father in the stars, as the Legends told that you can see Dragons that you loved so much that had died will leave a sign. He had waited hours, no sign. A tear streaked down Turok's cheek. He got up and walked to his nest. He sat down and groomed his wings. As still young, his Feathers would not shed off until he was 6. He then layed down and went to sleep on that sad gloomy night... TO BE CONTINUED SOON |
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STORIES IN THE WORKS: The story of Wyatt Holt | |
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| pieman280 | Sunday, 24. October 2010, 23:39 Post #2 |
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The gamer
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Dragons? Turok? COUNT ME IN! *pulls out popcorn* The short chapter is disapointing, but well writen from what I can tell. I'm not a literature perfectionist, or grammar natzi though so you'll have to wait for everyone else to get here to point out things like comma mistakes.
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| Warrior Poet | Monday, 25. October 2010, 00:21 Post #3 |
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If you lead me, I will go.
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So just how big is a 4 year old dragon? First of all, I got the Aang reference. Nice. It's just the first chapter, and it's short, but you have managed to give yourself a number of questions to answer during your next chapters. Where in the middle ages, at what time period? the middle ages were looooong, and they reached across the remains of the Roman empire (however the Byzantine empire continued to flourish. I think). The dragons have their own culture, and apparently their own legends. They seem to have a form of ancestor worship, or at least ancestor communication? So dragons live in nests. But are they in trees, or in caves, or what? And if they're in caves, how could he possibly be seeing the stars? You won't have to do this later if you describe Turok's surroundings to me. Dragons can cry. Nice. There's a lot more you can do to explain your take on dragons, but you've revealed a surprising amount of information about them in that short time. Nice job on that. Shame on you pieman. Perfection in lit is pretty much impossible to do but we should all try anyway. Grammar natzi you are not. It's Nazi. I am, though. So here's all your grammar errors. I'm not going to go into in/dependent clauses and all that, but I'll do the more important ones. First sentence has no verb. What was Turok doing? You don't need a comma between "named" and "Turok." It seems to be a rather awkward pause. In general, unless there's a reason to put a comma there, don't. Same with "His mother was, Kiaya." This is a fantasy story. When the narrator says "you" he is talking to me, the reader. But I can never see dragons in the sky. You could use "he." That whole sentence was kinda awkward too. "Turok sighed, as he looked for a sign for his Father in the stars, as the Legends told that you can see dragons that you loved so much that had died will leave a sign." I thought it was confusing. Try separating it into different sentences. Having a variety of sentence lengths is good. A few things may need to be reworded too. young/his Feathers can be separated into 2 sentences also. One more thing - the capitalization. I'm to lazy to type more grammar rules, so here you go. http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/capital.asp Grammarbook has a lot of rules. You don't have to memorize all of them. Anyway, if none of those rules apply, just don't capitalize it. If you make a regular noun into a proper noun or a name, you can capitalize that of course. So "feathers" wouldn't be capitalized, but "The Force" would be in the context of Star Wars. However, "A magnetic force" would not be capitalized. I like the story idea. I really do. That's why I gave you all that. So you can make it as awesome as you can. |
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| dill101 | Monday, 25. October 2010, 02:09 Post #4 |
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Plot Lady!
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Even though it is extremely short, I'm interested. Maybe later give an explanation of how Turok's father died. That would probably be interesting to know. And yes, I'd say give a MUCH more indepth description of the time period and surroundings. It's extremely important. Not too much else to say... I kinda think it's funny that Prometheus's critique was like 3 times longer than your chapter. He just has that much skill.
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| pieman280 | Monday, 25. October 2010, 02:33 Post #5 |
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The gamer
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LOL! I always think it has a T because it makes that sound. Bad time to make a spelling mistake. I dont try to find mistakes much because.... well... I often just read the story and thats about it. I only spot mistakes if it completely hammers or hurts the actual reading. Like if a character says something and someone forgot to put the quotation.
Some of these questions are very good. My mind kind of fills in the blank, and stuff like the size is guessed by the age of 4. So I picture a dragon the size of a big dog, as thats what I would imagine a 4 year old dragon to look like. However, it would be a much better read if he did describe it for us. Especially considering this is fantasy and we all have different ideas on things like dragons. So maybe while I'm picturing a dog sized dragon, the author is really making him pocket sized, or maybe even bigger than a full grown human. So yes, please fill us in with the details swift. Edited by pieman280, Monday, 25. October 2010, 02:34.
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| James | Monday, 25. October 2010, 02:51 Post #6 |
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it's all cool
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All of the grammar Nazi problems were pretty much covered by Prometheus. o.O There are lots of things that need to be elaborated on, though. *joins pieman and steals his popcorn* I can't wait for more! Yaaay ^^ Dragooooonnnss! I love dragons. I will be watching this thread.
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| Swift | Monday, 25. October 2010, 22:21 Post #7 |
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That was just a short part of the Chapter ^^ I'm continuing it later...with u know..more details, n stuff.. |
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| Warrior Poet | Tuesday, 26. October 2010, 00:18 Post #8 |
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If you lead me, I will go.
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Do your best to get our attention on the first try |
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| Harket | Tuesday, 26. October 2010, 11:51 Post #9 |
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asian
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This aint gonna disappoint (Right?!)*sneaks over to pie & par and grabs popcorn, snickering evilly * <--- Leaving this behind
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| Birds don't like to fly, they have to fly. | |
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| Swift | Tuesday, 26. October 2010, 21:00 Post #10 |
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I wont try to make it a Disapointment
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STORIES IN THE WORKS: The story of Wyatt Holt | |
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| James | Wednesday, 27. October 2010, 01:08 Post #11 |
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it's all cool
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That's good! I'm really looking forward to a new chapter. Do you know when you'll have the next one up? Oi, I think we're gonna need more popcorn. |
| To protect the world from devastation. | |
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| Phovos | Thursday, 28. October 2010, 10:17 Post #12 |
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Medicating Raptor
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I could just go through and say all the stuff Prometheus just said (he even pointed out a few I missed...) but I don't think you need to read all that twice. Try to improve on what Prometheus suggested and this should turn out great. |
I have a whole website. It's kinda lame though.![]() | |
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| Harket | Thursday, 28. October 2010, 12:35 Post #13 |
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asian
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Lol! And oh, look! a dead bird in the sky! But, seriously, HEED THE TWO EXPERTSSS. And i shall critique when this forms
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| Birds don't like to fly, they have to fly. | |
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| Warrior Poet | Thursday, 28. October 2010, 15:28 Post #14 |
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If you lead me, I will go.
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Well, there was a dead squirrel in my yard today. I had to put it in a bag with a shovel. Yuck. Anyway, work hard. Start this over again and it can be your NaNo |
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| Swift | Thursday, 28. October 2010, 22:48 Post #15 |
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Chapter 2: _____Turok woke up because of a startling roar. His Mother looked scared, almost pale. She picked me up and flew out of the cave, the Men in Armor have found us, firing firey balls of rock at the caves. Mother shot up into the winter air and joined the other Dragons. Turok screeched, the Men were firing arrows at us "Mother! Head into the forests!" Turok roared. Turok thought she didn't hear him, must of not but she headed down with the others into the forest. Mother landed hard, just barely letting Turok go before hitting a Evergreen. Turok landed in a small Pond, givign him a break to the fall. He crawled out of the Pond and went over to his mother and noticed something in her neck, 3 arrows. He sprinted over, shoving through the others. By time he reached her, she was dead. Turok roared in anger, malice, and hate to the world. His life was over, in vain. ** _____It has now been 12 years since the death of Turoks family. He has taken Refuge with another Dragon group, the Commandos was the name of the group. He was now 35 feet in Lenght, 10 feet in height. The Commandos were a HUGE group, Turok still hasn't gotten to know all. But now, him and his Group made the Commandos an epic group. Turok walked around, trying to find anyone he hasn't met. Just then, he bumped into a Dragon, falling over, the dragon falling over on him. The Dragon got up "Watch it, punk." The Dragon's voice sounded female. The Forest that he now lives in was bigger than thought. Turok got down low and growled, a low growl. He then stopped and stood up "Hey..uh. Um hi." He stammered, he just got all offensive at someone he hasn't met. The female lowered her anger and sat down. _____The female then spoke "Hello, my name is--" She seemed to not let me know, she looked around. "My name is, Winter." She mumbled. Winter? Turok wondered, he never heard of that word being a name EVER. Winter then went on to mind her buisness, her eyes made him hold his breath. _____Turok went inside his nice, cozy den. The Commandos dig under ground dens, which Turok thought was neat. He looked around his den, seeing if he still had wood, he did. He got up and grabbed the last few pieces of wood and set them down and spat fire on them. Tomorrow would be the end of Winter. Turok had Spring Fever, big time. He then took one last look around his den before going to sleep. |
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| pieman280 | Thursday, 28. October 2010, 23:18 Post #16 |
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The gamer
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Nice. I'm glad about the longer chapter. It was quite a jump from the last post considering 12 years went by in just one post, but I'm actually a bit glad. At least you gave us the detail as to why his mother died.
Umm... big problem with this one that really bugged me. You just jumped from 3rd to 1st person, and then right back to 3rd. Probably just a simple mistake. Just replace "me" with turok and I think that'll fix it. A more improved, and good chapter overall.
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| Swift | Thursday, 28. October 2010, 23:31 Post #17 |
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Oops... LOL |
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STORIES IN THE WORKS: The story of Wyatt Holt | |
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| James | Friday, 29. October 2010, 01:37 Post #18 |
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it's all cool
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I'm going to put the stuff I found in a spoiler. :)) Spoiler: click to toggle SO much improved from the first chapter! *happydance* I can't wait for the next one! *steals the popcorn from Sweetdang* *highfive* good job! ![]() |
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| Warrior Poet | Friday, 29. October 2010, 02:46 Post #19 |
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If you lead me, I will go.
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Why is there a _____ at the beginning of each paragraph? If you insist on using tabs, five spaces will do. Maybe. Your other choices are to attach the original file or use block formatting. Do dragons get what armor is? Men with silver scales? must have not. Not Must of not. But it's a very easy mistake to make. The "must of" you're thinking of is the contraction "must've," which I use all the time. Wait, Turok's mommy dies and he hates the world right away? He can hate the world later, but right now shouldn't he be sad about his mom? And why would the knights kill his mom and not him? It's not like they'd take pity on a smaller dragon. Just something to work out there. 12 years? That's a long skip, but I understand why. You can gradually explain what happened in dialogue and all that. Try mentioning that 12 years had passed somewhere other than the first sentence. Write it in the middle, so I'll care more about how Turok is feeling than about what time it is. I'm fairly sure commandos was not a word used in the middle ages. Old English Dictionary rocks (google it). Don't use the word "epic" in description unless you're talking about a literal epic poem or someone's saying it in dialogue. I feel like I might be cutting into your style, but I have no idea what you mean by "epic." Large, skilled? Poetic? Old? Wait, dragons fall on each other when they hit each other? I can totally understand this if they're running or flying pretty fast but just walking? not even people fall then. Then again, I don't know enough about your interpretation of dragons. Still, they're that clumsy? Again with middle ages, punk and winter? Winter was in use, probably, but not punk. Find some awesomer insulting words Thinkbabynames.com is great for naming characters, even if they're not humans. A few things I found for "winter" in meaning: Ermine ... which turns white in winter Halcyone ... which would then float on the water for the two weeks before the winter solstice ... [2] Perdita ... Shakespeare created this name for a young heroine in "The Winter's Tale" ... And remember your caps rule. Yep. Needs some work, but it's not bad. It's really not. I loves dragons. |
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| Harket | Friday, 29. October 2010, 06:10 Post #20 |
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asian
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Par stole all my comments! *pouts* I was gonna do what he did ![]() Ok, so he stole my comments, but i still got some he missed out on... most of this is my opinion, though. Also, im spoiler tagging it cause its long-ish. Spoiler: click to toggle There are some others, but they are not too evident, so nvm. Also, i didnt point out all the grammer and tense and POV problems cause, well, par and Prom did most of that. Correcting that, and a bit of reworking, and this is gonna be an awesome story ![]() Also, to apologize for the long and rather evil critique, i shall give you an awesome graphic of a dragon that you ![]() *Sits on a rocket to the moon and hides popcorn there* Edited by Harket, Friday, 29. October 2010, 06:30.
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| James | Friday, 29. October 2010, 21:30 Post #21 |
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it's all cool
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Excuse me, I hate to rain on your parade, but I am definitely NOT a he. I could pretend to be. I've played male parts in plays before, though...DRAGOOOOOONNS! I love dragons. *runs to go get some Cola from the fridge* You can't have popcorn without cola. ^^ I can't wait for next chapter! |
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| Swift | Saturday, 30. October 2010, 00:48 Post #22 |
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When I used Spaces it deletes the spaces when I post it so...ya. Paraso: Ya im sorry, im just gettign used to Thrid PErson but stil really used to First Person
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| James | Saturday, 30. October 2010, 04:10 Post #23 |
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it's all cool
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lol, it's completely understandable. I have trouble writing in present tense because I'm so used to past tense. That's what proofreading is for, lol. Do you proofread, or do you just skim, or do you just post as is? |
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| Harket | Saturday, 30. October 2010, 04:36 Post #24 |
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asian
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I KNOW! I hate that minus space thing ![]() zOMG i am SO SORRY!!! : Well, actually... I knew that.It was a mistake I if i could i would swear! I knew that you were a girl, i found that out from somewhere around the site, but it totally slipped my mind and the name Parso? Hemhem a bit guy-ish. SO UBER SORRY ONCE AGAIN!
Edited by Harket, Saturday, 30. October 2010, 12:11.
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| theMaximus | Tuesday, 2. November 2010, 02:07 Post #25 |
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awesome. love dragons...actually, last year in school I started a story on dragons......when I joined I was going to post it on here but I never actually did..... |
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| Yuki Kashiwagi | Tuesday, 2. November 2010, 05:34 Post #26 |
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AKB48
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I understand after all she looks like a dude. Also Parso does not exist. There is only Paroso. |
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| Harket | Tuesday, 2. November 2010, 10:38 Post #27 |
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asian
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OK, OK. ParOSO. Accident. Sheesh. Give a
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| Swift | Wednesday, 3. November 2010, 01:48 Post #28 |
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I was just correcting, nuttin wrogn with that eh? Any of u guys got any Suggestions? Requests? Questions? Just ask...after all we all live in a free country, i tink. LOL |
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| pieman280 | Wednesday, 3. November 2010, 01:54 Post #29 |
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The gamer
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This whole forum needs a rep point. So many dragon lovers.
Hmm... you could go into more detail about winter and the big group of dragons. We dont know anything about them. But maybe you were going to get around to that? Well my main request is that you just continue the story.
Edited by pieman280, Wednesday, 3. November 2010, 01:56.
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| Swift | Wednesday, 3. November 2010, 01:57 Post #30 |
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Lol Well...Winter really is a Green Dragon...Just with a VERY Light Green color, is what makes her name "Winter". And what do you mean by "big group of Dragons"? If u mean liek what they are, names, or whatever then I'll ahve to think about that..
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<--- Leaving this behind


Nothing wrong here, but i really just cant imagine a dragon sitting. 

SO UBER SORRY ONCE AGAIN!

2:12 PM Jul 11