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The wolf pack
Topic Started: Monday, 1. November 2010, 15:16 (360 Views)
pieman280
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In an alternate world, there is a unique twist to the animal kingdom. Most creatures and animals of the world have formed their own societies. On one huge island, there is the society of the wolves. The wolves have a tribe and council form. The council and city is the heart of their society, and they have tribes and groups of wolves scattered across different regions and parts of the islands. They have kept themselves barely out of war with some of the other animals that walk the island. However the wolves, and more specifically the council, have grown intolerant to other animals. Under few circumstances do they allow a non-wolf to live among their society. The wolves have formed one of the more powerful societies on their island, and possibly their world. They naturally adapt and take on elemental powers, can use magic, forge weapons of destruction, have a working form of government, and have had a long history to discover and learn from. However, will war come into play now that they need to expand?

Chapter 1: the assembly


Ink stood there looking at his shining silver spear. He was gazing at its engraved writing- which read “Honor, benevolence, and justice”- with pride of accomplishment. “Hey mister knight. You’ll get into trouble if you don’t follow us into the gathering chamber.” Sly said with a grin on his face. With that, Ink replied “Since when did you care about anything the council says. They hate you just because you ‘smell sour’ and have a different bloodline.”

“It’s just because I’m a fox instead of a wolf.” Sly mumbled as he got down on all fours. His ears drooped, and it was obvious he went to a more depressed state. “However, I’m still allowed to get by. They just have me on probation and all that other crap! If it wasn’t for you and Morq standing up for me I would have been executed though. The fact that my father was a thief and my mother was a corrupted magician, or a ‘witch’ never helped either.” Ink put his spear in its case which hung off his back, and put his white sock* paw on Sly’s back to pull him back up on two feet. “You complain too much. You’re just different, and the council is too hard headed to accept that. It’s just life.”

They walked on into the cave they had been in front of, and proceeded through the tunnel. The air got cool and damp, and a blue torch was lit in the occasional spot to help out wolves that may have impaired senses. Both Sly and Ink were silent the whole way through, and as they neared the gathering chamber you could hear the roaring chatter of the crowd that was waiting for the great wolf council. This meant that they would not be late; otherwise everyone would be letting the councilors talk.
When Sly and Ink got into the chamber, they quickly found their tribe through the hundreds of others. Ink paused to take a look up at the art work on the cave’s roof. The cave roof had been reinforced with a form of thick steel. On that steel were vast artworks from older wolves and past generations. Rumor has it that more than the wolves contributed to the grand art. Dogs, wolves, foxes, and other Canidae type animals were once working together. The councilors would reject this rumor as well as many of the soldiers.

“What are you doing? C’mon Ink lets get with the tribe before we lose them to the crowd!” Sly said annoyed. Ink pushed through the crowd, and got to his tribe: The Terrans. Obviously named after the word “terra” which traces back to meanings of dirt, mountains, and such. Ink was quick to raise a question while Sly and Morq met up and shook paws in greeting. “Where is our flag? We found you easily but every tribe should have their flag up. Actually… where’s the chief!?” Panic found Ink’s face as he spoke the last sentence. Ra- the tribe’s weather expert and a tribe knight- stepped forward with a serious look on his face.

“It was burned. We went under a quick raid attack from the crows. They burned the flags, destroyed a bit of our supplies, and burned down two huts. The chief, Gale, and Stripe all stayed behind to see if they could either fix anything, or defend it from a second attack.” Ink couldn’t believe his ears. The village had been under attack, and he had been at the market place the whole time. “No casualties?” “Not unless you count the stupid birds” Ra replied with a grin. “All of the raiders are dead. Hopefully they’ll replace the fresh meat that was destroyed.”

Morq interrupted this conversation with a pat on Ink’s back. “You were gone for too long gray wolf.” He said taunting Ink for having the rare color of the tribe. Only Rohn (A wolf powerful in the element of water), and Ink were gray wolves in the tribe. Morq was almost black, and Ra was an earthy brown covered in red markings he’s made. Sly, being a fox, was orange with black socks on both his front and back paws. Even Rohn looked a lot different with his fur being a lot darker than Ink’s. Ink was also one of the few to have socks. Having gray fur was considered bad luck. The Terrans believed deeply in nature, and gray was considered to be a very un-earthly tone. Ink didn’t mind much, only Gale and the chief made a big deal out of it. Morq was just used it as a means of teasing him.

“So I’ve heard” Ink replied to Morq’s earlier statement. “I’m very sorry. Has anyone else had trouble with the crows?” Sly then joined in with his ears high and raised “As a matter of fact, I hear the Riverrock tribe talking about it over there.” Sly said pointing at the tribe across from them. They were all huddled up talking with worried faces. One even had a cloth wrapped around his upper arm meaning he was probably cut around there recently.

Before anyone could ask the tribe, there was a sudden hush. Out on the high platform in the cave, Ink saw as the council came out and was ready to speak. His heart raced. He was deeply concerned that whatever they had to say would not be enjoyable. After his village was attacked, his tribe missing some members, and the raising suspicion of war he was not ready for a big council speech.
______________________________________

*Socks (if you didn't know) are the color changes you see in an animal's paws. Usually seen on cats, wolves, foxes, and some other animals. Usually the sock color is black or white.

So what do you guys think so far? Its been a looooooooooooong time since I did anything writing related here. Mostly because I dont have any good ideas. Finally I have what I feel is a novel worthy story that I can get into writing. Feel free to gut me for mistakes, poor translation from MSword, or just something you can't quite understand. If you have questions on the characters, they will probably get answered later. But ask away anyways. If you have questions on the concept, or story feel free to ask those as well. A lot of questions should be answered in future chapters though. Like who the rest of the tribe is, and why Ink was refered to as a knight at the beginning.
Edited by pieman280, Monday, 1. November 2010, 15:22.
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OH YAY FIRST REPLY!

I quite like love this. :)

It definitely has potential, and can develop into quite a good story if you keep up the goodawesome work! :)

Im not just saying that. And the line between

Foxes
other animals.

Wow. I like reading that sort of thing. Reminds me of To Kill A Mockingbird and Animal Farm. I'll def. be following up on this, though, so if you dont post more, i'll keep badgering you for MOREMOREMORE!!!

Great job, and I love it <3 So far, its got no holes. From my angle, anyway. The cloth could always have a big rip at the other side, but im not seeing that, so... Nice :)

Keep it up, great work.

Luv Luv :ballerina:
Edited by Harket, Monday, 1. November 2010, 15:25.
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And the line between

Foxes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
other animals.

Wow. I like reading that sort of thing. Reminds me of To Kill A Mockingbird and Animal Farm. I'll def. be following up on this, though, so if you dont post more, i'll keep badgering you for MOREMOREMORE!!!



Thanks! Yeah the fox is outcasted here. Poor guy. I'm going to flesh that out a bit more in the second chapter. Specifically the crows, and the story of what happened to the other foxes. I'm already starting to come up with ideas for the second one. Dont worry about a lacking post amount.... yet. I have a bad habit of not continueing stories (see my history of stories on VGP), but I'm working to change that and I think I'll finish this one. For now the only thing that can stop me is my sister. We take the computer away from each other often. :P Expect another chapter by the end of today if I can hold the computer long enough. I'm running on excited ideas here. :)

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The cloth could always have a big rip at the other side, but im not seeing that, so... Nice
The cloth that the hurt wolf had? Whoops, my mistake for not explaining something: Actually it not cloth like a shirt, or anything. If you've seen some action movies sometimes a character gets hurt and bleeds. All they can do is take a cloth and wrap it around the cut to hold pressure and stop the bleeding. This is what the wolf had, so it wasn't ripped or anything. It was just tied on to stop bleeding and cover an open wound. Most of the people in this story that fight will carry around long white clothes they can tie around a wound. Kind of like a band aid. I should have explained that better. I guess I rushed that part.

I'm glad you like the story. Thanks for your comment.
Edited by pieman280, Monday, 1. November 2010, 16:58.
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Ink is an awesome name, to start out with. "Hey mister knight" - Ink must be in pretty good standing with the knights. Most want to be called Sir or something. I'm going to get my 1,667 in for the day and then I'll comment - I'll be writing more but online less because of NaNoWriMo. But I will comment. This is good.
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Thanks! Knight will probably be a bit different in this story than real life, but yeah he's kind of a new-ish knight and thats a big deal to him. Its basically the rank above the average soldier in this case. Mister was used to help portray Sly's personality. He's friendy, but he doesn't care to be proper. If you know a friend in real life that has the "fox personality" or symbolism then you know what thats like. :P Quick witted, sarcastic, clever, yet always in a friendly sense.

Alright so here's the second chapter guys! Still dialogue heavy, and its pretty long. I did my best to try to polish it, but feel free to point out mitakes. I still could have overlooked something. More action soon if you feel like the dialogue is too much.

edit: Dangit! I forgot to mention the crows mentioned are more threatening than the ones we know. They're about the size of a 10 year old. It sounds a bit weird reading my story knowing that you guys are picturing tiny little crows buring down huts and everything. :P Yeah they're still small, but not THAT small.

Chapter 2: A new leaf

The councilors stood on the high platform looking at the overwhelming crowd. Each councilor had an odd name. When you become one of the councilors you lose your old name, and start with the name ‘Strong’. Then they place your purpose as the first part of your name, and it basically ends up as something like ‘Hunter-strong’, or ‘Future-strong’. It was a way of saying that one councilor was to enforce a specific duty, or had an important role in something special. War-strong was the councilor for battle, strength, and he basically decides what happens with the soldiers, knights, guards, warriors, etc. War-strong isn’t all about pro-war though. He is also in charge of peaceful negotiations, and first impressions upon meeting a new tribe or society. He stepped forward first, and then Tree-strong came forward; the councilor of nature and the land. Tree-strong spoke first. Her voice was calm and open showing her long experience in the council. “My brave people, your lives have said to be under danger. My friend, War-strong has had scouts come to him claiming violent acts from the dingoes, and crows.”

Suddenly a Riverrock wolf yelled up towards the council for all to hear “They brought fire to our village! My friend is dead because of them. They took a cheap shot at him when he was alone retrieving water. We found him and the crows after a cry was heard, and we killed them before we let their torches reach our village!” The warrior with the cloth around him chimed in to back up the claim. “The crows are reckless and violent! They are too dumb and uncoordinated to pose a major threat, but their resort to cheap tactics and random raids paint them as a target getting in our way. I say we bring the fight to them immediately!”

“Not so fast!” Ra yelled back at the Riverrock tribe. “Maybe that’s what they want. The crows lost their last battles and were forced into the wastelands. They know better than to just raid us. They could be planning or provoking something. Just because they have a reputation of shame doesn’t mean they’ll live by it. They have their smart ones just as every civil species does. We need to get people on the inside and see what is wrong from that view.” Ink nodded along with Ra. Ink knew that Ra lives under strong morals, and he’s one of the few people Ink would follow to hell and back with. Morq was looking confused, but focused most of his attention on the snickering Bandit tribe.

The Bandits were known for infamy. They lived close by the crows in the wastelands, and loved it that way. They stole supplies from other wolf tribes due to the hostile wasteland environment, and focused on fighting more than morals. They respected no one’s authority but their own, and everybody knew it. Unfortunately they were also one of the biggest tribes. The average had roughly 10-20 wolves. The Bandits last count was almost 50, and that’s not counting the pups. So a snickering laughter from this group meant nothing good.
Morq was whispering to Sly and Rohn, telling them to keep an eye and ear out for the massive, troublemaking tribe. Ra continued. “Now what is this about the dingoes? Don’t tell me someone wants to raise the spear and sword to them too! They have been a society living idle among this island. One must consider their power and force as well. Let’s not overestimate ourselves. An attack on the dingoes would spark a big war for sure. Their society is almost as complex, and-” He was cut off with an angry remark from the great councilor of war.

“ALMOST! We are in the position to make our judgment, not carry out yours! Where is the rest of your tribe, I don’t even see a chief. You Terrans have been gliding carelessly across thin ice with us, while the rest of the tribes around thrive. Now you dare to speak on my duty!?” Tree-strong was looking unsteady with this as she knew War-strong’s temper was going too far.
Ra opened his mouth again with a comeback ready, but let it go as a hand pat his back and he heard a quiet voice reassure him “Hey, don’t sweat it. You’re right my friend.” He turned to see Kyemore, one of the Riverrock wolves, with a friendly face looking at him. He must have had a change in mind about battle “However, starting a war with the council is not wise either. Just let it go. Everything will be alright.” The Terrans (especially Ra) knew about and worked with the Riverrock tribe often. They were neighbors, and shared many of the same beliefs. Lately the Riverrock had even been putting out offerings since the Terrans really were going through a hard time, and a shortage of people.

Words from other tribes were starting to pop up. “Sir, the rude one is a fool! Only action is needed, and this will send the dingoes away from our lands.” A wolf from the Flame tribe assured. Another tribe backed him up. “Kill the dingoes, scare the crows, own the island!” A distant cry said. A few more voices broke out, but were either too quiet, or melted in with the other words. It was clear that this would become a hot topic in the crowd. War-strong’s face showed a grin. He had played things peacefully for a long time, but he was getting his mind set more on war each day. It was the same for most of the island’s wolves. People begged for expansion, and the first thoughts were usually war.

“To be a wolf means to be kind, forgiving, and trustworthy” Morq muttered for only his tribe to hear. “We are the great communicators, and the big hearted type. Yet… what’s happening with us as of now.” Ink pondered his friend’s words and was the first to speak. “Yeah but we are the warriors too. Everybody goes to war, and many times it is necessary. Although I’m doubtful on this particular case. I’ve heard of no dingo problems. Crows just need to learn their place, but hell has no use for them yet.” Sly chuckles and ads “yeah, hell has a spot reserved for the Bandits! Hehe.”


“SILENCE! THAT’S ENOUGH” War-strong bellowed. The crowd fell silent as if a strike went through their hearts. “We are going to war within two days, if at all.” This got a hushed chatter going again. Everybody was worried, and everyone knew it was an inconvenience. War-strong did that on purpose. He believed that if it was an inconvenience for your people, it was twice as bad for the ones getting attacked. It’s what they did to the foxes and jaguars when they held tribes on the island. And it worked too. Everybody- even Ra- knew that the dingoes would be dead unless they had some secret weapon. That’s what Ra feared though. He’d rather live by peace with others than war that leaves only one kind. He liked diversity. A lot of people did really, but most were too timid and fearful to admit it among the council. Even if they did, it was only the council’s decision. If War-strong was serious, little could stop him from causing the inevitable war.

Tree-strong then spoke her part. “So if we do go to war, we should indeed focus on the dingoes. The crows live in a land that is not suited for life. Unless the Bandit tribe would like to challenge them, there aren’t to be any direct attacks on them. It’s just not wise.” Everybody seemed to approve of that. “I have known dingo territories well. There is a small hilltop where a small outpost sits. The hill is surrounded by trees, rocks, and the hill itself has long grass. We can easily surround the outpost, get cover set up, and then destroy what we want there. They won’t get any word out if it’s done right, and the outpost is so small that it’ll be easy to take. It’ll be good practice for those that participate, and give you an idea of how the enemy fights. Casualties should be low. We expect at least one good fighter from each tribe, especially if you are in that area.”

Ra gave a dreadful sigh. “That’s us. Great, what am I going to tell the chief? We need to recover our strength. We’re not even a real tribe anymore. How are we going to fight?” Rohn pointed accusingly at Sly. “He’s not even part of us. Let’s send him. He’s not only an outcast, but he’s the lowest scum among our society.” Ink started to growl at this, but tried to hide it, and said: “He doesn’t even have war worthy battle experience.” Rohn perked up more, and happily said: “Precisely! He’ll be dead and off our hands. Since you seem to be so fond of him Ink, I’ll fetch his pelt for you after the fight.”

Ink couldn’t hide it anymore. He snarled at Rohn, teeth and all showing, and lunged out to rip into the face with claws. He hesitated, and just resorted to yanking Rohn’s snout down to make him feel stupid and yelp for mercy. Ink didn’t want to really fight him. That would be an obvious mistake in such a crowd, and he was usually kind to Rohn. He usually had no problems with him. But Rohn was one of the wolves that had issues with other kinds, and so he never liked Sly one bit. This was one of his chances to crush any support the tribe had for Sly. It would always fail though since Ink and Morq were strong friends with Sly, and Ra would just use logic and act casual around Sly; never praising him, but never too hostile or harsh. Sly was trying his best to just ignore everything and just played with his tail the whole time.

“We’re probably going to send Sly into battle, but not alone.” Ra said. Sly jolted a bit and responded nervously: “I have almost no experience! I can help anyone with me by supporting them from a distance. Maybe I could stand by and help if I see any wounded?” Ra grinned “No, you’ll have more of an advantage than you think. Remember what Tree-strong said? Trees are all around the hill. You’ll be one of the best stealth guys there with your smaller and leaner structure, and quick wits. On top of that, it’ll rain.” Sly just got more puzzled. “Okay… so I’ll have an advantage until the fight actually starts. Nice, Now I can sleep well knowing there are trees to hide me.” Rohn was ready to tear into him. Rohn hated sarcasm coming from whatever he considered a ‘lower species’. Ra got between them as sly continued. “And what does rain have anything to do with the situation!? I’ll admit I feel more relaxed and enjoy the rain, but what effect does it do with the enemy? Wash away any blood?” Ra fiddled with his tribal style staff. He held up the end that had a mysterious bulb-like object on it, and you could see it doing some magic. Ra specialized in weather and certain elements like rain. He was a brilliant guy on the subject. He produced a rain-like effect in the bulb, and Sly seemed to get caught in some sort of trans from watching it.

“The rain is your time to shine. The fox has spiritual strength and power when it comes to rain. It is somehow just… well… it’s your thing. You’re relaxed and more concentrated because the rain is your way of nature lending a hand. Old legends of the united animal kingdom- the ones that the council denies- speak of the fox species as one that bonds with certain elements like rain and light magic.” Rohn made a weird face at the thought of that last sentence. “This comes from those old fairy tales of a time long ago? The stories with spiritual garbage and totem beliefs!? Grow up Ra! Foxes are the lesser wolves. They have no support from nature, and deserve none. They have no divine qualities. They’re a mistake, and-” Sly cut him off, and quite literally too. He finished what Ink started, and ripped down Rohn’s snout leaving 3 long cuts. Rohn yelped, and backed away holding his nose in pain.

Morq was shocked, Ra was actually smiling, and Ink dashed to Rohn’s aid. Ink knew Rohn would yell, or continue the fight if he allowed him to, so Ink was quick to wrap a cloth around his whole snout in a way that kept him from speaking, yet looked proper for such a cut. He pushes Rohn out as he was grumbling through the wrap, and treated him like an injured patient in need to get back. Ink shouted back at the others: “Going home! Tell me whatever I missed.” Everything happened so quickly that the council never took notice, little attention was drawn, and they hadn’t missed any important details of the speech. Sly wiped off the blood, and hung his head a little lower just to be sure everything would go unnoticed.

Tree-strong had walked back to the other councilors, and the mysterious Time-strong councilor stood in her place. “Now I rarely speak, but this is a time to do so. I believe that either way this war works it’ll do no harm to destiny. If it doesn’t happen, our life how it is now shall continue. If we strike the dingo kind, we will win, AND WE WILL BE UNRIVALED on this island! However this is not necessarily good. We will always seek more. We will always try control what we do not. It is in everyone’s eyes and dreams. The future holds expansion for some, and sealed souls for others. How we work and end our lives is up to us!” He makes it clear that he points at the crowd, and not the Council. He opposes the iron grip leadership that the others seem to support. “But the thing that we demand is… MAKE IT COUNT! MAKE YOUR LIVES COUNT! Benefits are plentiful if you work for them.” He wasn’t done, but War-strong had no care.

“Right, thanks for the pep talk. I’ll take over here now.” The elderly Time-Strong walked by War-strong and whispered something in his ear that made him uncomfortable. Probably a swear considering they never got along. “Unless you hear otherwise from us, we attack the day after tomorrow! …At sunset.” Ra just had to correct him. “There will be no sun! It’ll be a rainy day!” War-strong muttered something under his breath, and then spoke out again. “No sunset then. Just… Get there when you wake up. When enough have arrived, I will have a handpicked general there to start the battle. Soon, we shall turn over a new leaf. The leaf that leads to dominance! HAHA!”

Sly and Morq looked at each other concerned. “This plan is hardly even thought out. He obviously made it up on spot. Some wolves will be there within the first hour of the day, while other will show up hours after the battle.” Morq said. Ra nodded, and Sly just retorted that the plan was stupid. “Let’s pray the general has some wits.” The council dismissed everyone left with their heads full of thoughts.
Edited by pieman280, Monday, 1. November 2010, 22:55.
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Just wrote 1300 words and I need a break to think. lol. So I'll critique this chappy for you.

"Each councelor had an odd name" If you're going to describe how all their names are formed, you really don't need to say this. Especially since they're all wolves. lol.

"When you become a concelor" - Remember that the "you" who you're talking about is me, the reader. I'm not going to become a wolf conuncelor. When a wolf becomes, when an elder becomes, when one becomes...but not me. Try to avoid using "You" unless it's something a character is saying or thinking. Breaking the third wall usually isn't good, unless you're writing a comedy. The exception to this is when it's a diary - then "You" is the diary.

Riverrock? What? Okay, later I learn they're a certain tribe. That's fine. But explain more about the tribes later ;) But how do wolves get cloth to wear, anyway?

Ra is the name of an Egyptian sun god. Just thought you should know. Or was that on purpose?

"The Bandits were known for infamy" I guess this is technically okay, but basically you're saying "they're known for being known as bad guys." You could say they're infamous and save a lot of wincing. Sorry if I seem rough sometimes. I just love sarcasm.

"Sir, the rude one is a fool!" That just made my day XD. Genius.

The fact that the elders can say things like "big hearted type" in front of the assembly implies a close realationship with their followers. Sweet. I don't know if you meant to do this, but you did, and it was good.

"I have known" - wait, she forgot? "I know."

Rohn pointed accusingly at...wait! Wolves don't have fingers! Did he point with his snout? I guess that's the same as looking at him. Or did he growl? Also, Rohn is an awesome name. It happens to be the name of the hero in LAIR.

lol. I like how you make Ra all cool and logical, then have him play with his tail. Reminded me this is wolves we're talking about.

Ra's staff? Again, no fingers. Explain how he holds this? I guess he could have it in his mouth, but how would he speak?

The fox has spiritual strength and power when it comes to rain - awkward? The rain gives them strength, maybe. Idk.

@totem- this means all this is happening in North America, and furthermore, there are humans around somewhere. Right?

@tree strong rarely speaks - she seems to speak more than any of the other consolers!

I like the last bit with Ra correcting Time-Strong. Timestrong is in charge of time but he doesn't know the weather tomorrow? lol. But a lot of guys I know are like that. So Ra is fairly influential, able to correct an elder with no consequences? It's little things like this that make it interesting. You can teach us more about your world with little things like this, and I learn a lot more than the people[/i] wolves that live in it than if you just told me. Sweet!

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Remember that the "you" who you're talking about is me, the reader. I'm not going to become a wolf conuncelor.


Yeah I need to fix this issue. Not the first time I've made this mistake.

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Riverrock? What? Okay, later I learn they're a certain tribe. That's fine. But explain more about the tribes later ;) But how do wolves get cloth to wear, anyway?


I did tell you they were a tribe in the first chapter. Maybe you just missed that line. :P Here was their first mention:
Quote:
 
“As a matter of fact, I hear the Riverrock tribe talking about it over there.” Sly said pointing at the tribe across from them.

I explained a bit about the tribes in the intro as a form of group they stick with, but if you want more explanaition I'll see what I can do for chapter 3. ;)

As for the cloth these aren't wolves like we know them. The best example I can think of is a movie like disney's robin hood where animals have many human traits, including the ability to wear clothes/armor themselves. I was going to go into that detail later when it was needed, for now It doesn't matter what they wear. If you literally want to know where they get the cloth from, the wolves that are known to participate in war, battles, and intense stuff of that sort get it with the rest of their supplies: through their government. This includes people like Ink who are ranked as knights.

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Ra is the name of an Egyptian sun god. Just thought you should know. Or was that on purpose?


I'm glad somebody understood that. Yes, and Ra is really the only clever name I can come up with (except the tribe name terrans). :P Everything else is either random (Morq) or obvious (sly, bandits). I choose Ra for him because he was an expert in weather, and nature science. So I connected that with the sun god since the sun plays a big role in nature and weather.

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"I have known" - wait, she forgot? "I know."


LOL! Yeah, overlooked mistake.

Quote:
 
Rohn pointed accusingly at...wait! Wolves don't have fingers! Did he point with his snout? I guess that's the same as looking at him. Or did he growl? Also, Rohn is an awesome name. It happens to be the name of the hero in LAIR.


Once again, human-ish. Enough so that their paws are basically like thicker fingers with claws at the end. I was hoping I set this sort of tone in the first lines when it says that Ink pulled Sly back on two feet, and you heard of this advanced society. Think Wolves that stand, act, and are educated more like humans than their real life species. The wolf part comes in with things like strength, senses, and at times tie in with old beliefs on totems and such. For example, like one of the characters points out the wolves are known for kindness and generocity. This comes from the totem beliefs. You can look it up in your free time. Its quite interesting to learn about old beliefs, and symbolizations of your favorite animals.

Lair. WOW, I never noticed that. Funny thing is I just bought that game this weeked for a dirt cheap price. I was thinking of completely random names when I came up with "Rohn" though. LOL! I think it started when I remembered the name "Jin-roh" from some anime, and I took the roh and started thinking of ways to change that.

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lol. I like how you make Ra all cool and logical, then have him play with his tail. Reminded me this is wolves we're talking about.


Actually I think you got the characters mixed up, but maybe that's my fault. It was Sly that was playing with his tale trying to ignore how everyone was talking about him. Again, maybe it was my fault. I'll check back and see if I made the dialogue tangled up or confusing. I'm not that experienced with the traditional quotation mark thing. The majority of my forum stories are small comedies using a colon type of setup.

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The fox has spiritual strength and power when it comes to rain - awkward? The rain gives them strength, maybe. Idk.


Yeah I'll point at the old animal beliefs again. I think it came from an old belief in asia that the fox was the animal somehow related to Rice and Rain. I decided to make that Rain part a tie in with elemental magic, and the fantasy atmosphere of this story's world. So the foxes are a bit enhanced in the rain. Old culture beliefs FTW!

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@totem- this means all this is happening in North America, and furthermore, there are humans around somewhere. Right?


hmm... you caught me there. no humans and no america. I guess this is just a funny plothole.

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@tree strong rarely speaks - she seems to speak more than any of the other consolers!


You got characters mixed up again. This was Time-Strong talking. I was thinking the part where it said "and Time-Strong takes her place" thing emplied that he was the one talking. Maybe I should be more clear. I just dont want to resort to dialogue like this:
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And X said ""
And Y said ""
And Z said ""


It feels a little too straight forward. But if you think I should do that the whole time just to make sure this confusion is prevented, I guess I could do a more straight forward dialogue. Please tell me any suggestions you have on how I can fix the confusion. I hate it when books tangle me up in dialogue, and I see this as something I should definetly fix if its in my story.

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I like the last bit with Ra correcting Time-Strong. Timestrong is in charge of time but he doesn't know the weather tomorrow? lol. But a lot of guys I know are like that. So Ra is fairly influential, able to correct an elder with no consequences? It's little things like this that make it interesting. You can teach us more about your world with little things like this, and I learn a lot more than the people wolves that live in it than if you just told me. Sweet!


Hehe. Right and wrong here. Character confusion, it was War-Strong he was correcting. But yes even if Time-strong knows time, he's kind of like the old oracles you read in mythology. He only knows some of it. He goes by a weird 6th sense of instict mostly. He can tell from this sense and instinct that the wolves will succeed in war, but he probably wouldn't know if it were to rain on some certain day. Unless it was some mad storm that his senses could pick up. But he did indeed get away with correcting War-strong.

I allow him to get away to show that the council isn't as bad as they may seem. As I was typing the story, I felt like I was turning War-strong into some kind of cliche evil supreme guy when he wasn't. He's just short tempered, and in charge of war; a feared subject. So I tried adding in more lighthearted bits that showed he wasn't so evil. Like how he isn't going to do anything bad to those that correct him. He "grumbled" to show that he wasn't happy about it, and to stay with his meaner character, but he's just a jerk. Not evil.... or at least thats how it is now. I dont know what I'll do for long distant plot.

Hope I made some sense on anything you were confused about. Thank you for pointing out some of the mistakes, and even the small plothole.

edit: Okay, to help with the confusion on animals acting more human-like, I found a picture that represents it well: http://th08.deviantart.net/fs25/300W/f/2008/175/b/1/Wolf_warrior_with_flame_sword_by_WolfLSI.jpg
He can hold things, wears clothes, and stands like a human. Yet his animal qualities are still clearly there. You'll see them use a more animal side in the story as well. Like if they have to run fast, or charge, they do it on all 4 legs for better speed.
Edited by pieman280, Tuesday, 2. November 2010, 03:50.
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OMG that was awesommmme ad i did spot some mistakes, but prom there - 8) Prom there took the words right outta my mouth! SO i'll just praise it and tell you that im eager for MOREMOREMORE! :D
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Okay, so I didn't fit in as much as I wanted to (like the better explanaition of tribes. I'll try to get that in or chapter 4.). I'm still happy with this chapter though. I think it'll be the best yet with more cleared dialogue, and more descriptions and characters added. If the dialogue is still unclear, I guess I'll resort to spacing every time a different person speaks. This'll make small talk look stupid, but if its needed I'll try it.

Chapter 3: Tribe soil

Ink had been pacing in circles thinking about the burned huts for about half an hour since he had gotten to the tribe’s ‘village’ (it was more like a small camp in the middle of the woods). The huts were small, had two beds each, and the rest of the space had personal belongings like weapons and water. The extra small hut was Sly’s, but that was one of the two that had been burnt. The second was just an empty hut that belonged to the last tribe member that had died. Sly was forced to sleep in the small one because the chief thought it would be disrespectful to place him in the empty one, or as he saw it, the ‘warrior’s memorial’. Now Sly had nowhere to sleep, and Ink wanted to fix that. Nobody else would take him. Even Morq wouldn’t, as he was always picky about how he slept. He would never let anybody take his bed. Ink wouldn’t sacrifice his because he was going to go along to the battle and wanted the best rest he could get on what could be his final nights before the war started.

Rohn came outside of his hut, still holding his sore nose. “You worried about the fight Ink? Nobody is forcing you to go. Ra is older, and has less life in him. He’s the same rank and so maybe that would be best.” Rohn said trying to talk Ink out of going. Ink frowned and said: “I think you have it a bit backwards. Ra is only 7 years older. He has much to live for, not to mention he’s the wisest of us all. Also, the fight shouldn’t be that bad. I’m worried for Sly as he has nowhere to sleep. I’m sure that has no impact on your guilt though.” They paused for a minute. “It won’t hurt him to sleep outside” Rohn finally said, ignoring the urge to insult Ink’s friend. Ink sighed in annoyance, and spoke up “He’s supposed to fight eventually! He deserves to be well rested.” Rohn then pouted out the word “Fine!” and walked off.

As Rohn was walking back to his hut, he pointed and called out “Company!” Ink turned his head sharply and found the 3 returning from the council meeting. Morq called out to Ink: “Remember the battle is in two nights! Who’s going with Sly?” Sly looked relieved and asked with joy in his voice: “I’m not going alone?” Ink looked at Sly with a sad face, and responded “I’ll go, but we need to find Sly a place to sleep if we are serious about sending him to battle.”

Sly’s face quickly changed to a drooped expression. “WHAT!?” He shrieked, and ran to where his hut used to be. He saw a black feather in front of the ashes that marked the remains of his only true possession (his home and whatever was inside). He stomped furiously on the feather cursing the crows over, and over again for all to hear. This got the Chief’s attention as well as Gale’s and Stripe’s. They all came out of their huts to hear the commotion.

The Chief found it all amusing. He was surprisingly in a light mood, and was even wearing his best clothing: A leather protective vest, a dress-like piece that most Chiefs wore, and his jaguar skin cape. He wore the skin with the arms tied around his neck, and the head went over his like a hat. He was one of the few wolves that claimed to have killed that certain jaguar chief back when the wolves and jaguars were at war. But he was the only one of those few claimers to have the skin. This made his claim seem more valid, and earned him respect from his own tribe. He would occasionally tell the tale of that conquest where he defeated a jaguar tribe (Not single handedly obviously, but he was a big part of the battle). He was asked once how tough the jaguar chief was, and his answer was always interesting. He would say that the chief was easy to defeat, and quite vulnerable, but it was the fight to get to him that was hard. That was a statement that everyone related to, and something inexperienced soldiers could learn from; the objective was always easier than getting to it. The Chief was the only white wolf in the tribe, and he was actually in fact classified as a ‘Snow wolf’. He was in another smaller society of wolves that lived up in the mountains a couple of miles from where the Terrans stayed. The Chief had wanted to move into his current society (and most dominant one), and preferred that way of living. His long life, and hardened warrior side made him a great Chief.

“Hehe, so now you see why we don’t like visitors.” The Chief said smiling, and taunting the fact that Sly was considered an unwanted ‘visitor’. “Yeah, whatever. Those birds better be rotting in strong flames right now!” Sly said before snarling in anger. Stripe ran up to Sly with a bucket of water, and splashed it on his head. “Cool it!” he yelled trying to make a bad pun. For some reason this actually did help Sly. He just made one final grunt of frustration, before sitting on all four paws with his head dripping wet. He looked back up at Ink who just looked back with a sorry face.

Sly looked back down at the ground and mumbled for Ink to barley hear: “Is there anything I had that wasn’t in my hut when it burned? I have nothing to wear, and no weapons to bear.” Ink tried to cheer him up with his positive thinking: “Hey, you can make a clever rhyme still. You’re not too bothered by this, are you?” After watching Sly just sit there silenty, Ink decided to speak again: “Besides, you never had a weapon. Chief didn’t trust you with one.” The chief nodded at this, and added “And you weren’t worth one. You are less than a civilian, and had no need for any weapon to begin with.”

Sly got back up on two legs, scoffed, and said “Actually there was my father’s lucky Kriss.” At this, the Chief looked angry and everybody knew there was either a temper fit, or a lecture that was going to occur. Morq tried to block off the chance for that to happen by quickly asking “What’s the weapon made of?” Sly looked at Morq kind of funny, and said “uh… Some kind of dragon part I think. Why?” Morq smiled and responded with: “Stuff made from dragon bone, or scale is invincible to fire! Check the ashes.”

Sly ran over, and dug through the ashes with high speed. He found a shining blade, carefully pulled it up and cheered holding it in the air with praise. At least he still had a basic form of protection. Gale finally realized what everybody else had ever since Sly mentioned the Kriss. “He, uh…, His father was a thief. He has the thief’s blade!” Gale yelled as though somebody should arrest him. “He’ll stab you in the back like his kind is known for. “ Gale continued. Everybody ignored him, but the Chief never really rested his attitude. “What’s the penalty for a foreigner with a weapon” He asked waiting for an answer. He crossed his arms and took on a grim serious expression. Nobody answered though.

Finally Ra opened his mouth, but just closed it again in fear. Stripe caught the motion though, and nudged Ra to answer. “Sir, there are no penalties based on foreigners because there are supposed to be no foreign non-wolf species. Sly is an exception due to the support of a trusted knight” Ra said and looked at Ink on the last part of his sentence. Sly met eyes with each of the silent wolves, and then turned his attention to brushing off his dusty tail. It was his way of trying to get rid of the tense moment like he did back at the assembly.

Morq spoke his suggestion: “He’s going to war in two days. He should bring something like a kriss. That’s one less thing we need to supply him with.” His words never shifted the silence from others. He spoke again: “Just a trusty piece of armor, a sword, some headgear, maybe a charm, and he’ll be on his way!” his voice getting more awkward due to his false marry attitude. Stripe walked over to whisper something in Chief’s ears. The Chief grumbled, and walked away. He probably just let it go.

Ink ran into his hut as he knew what to do for a weapon case to substitute the one Sly lost in the fire. He ran back with a leather string that had a small knife holder tied in with it. He gave it to Sly, and Sly knew what to do with it. He put it on around his waist like a belt, and slid the kriss into the case piece. Ink explained the string belt further. “If you every craft, or find another case or object of importance, you can add it onto this string. It was given to me as a soldier, but I never use it. I’ll stick with a sword, and spear. A knife would be just a waste to me.” “Thanks!” Sly replied grateful for the gift. Ink suddenly got serious, and yelled in Sly’s face: “Now train! The battle is soon, and your fighting experience isn’t fit for it.” Sly gave a puzzled look, and reassured Ink with “My experience is the only thing missing! My training is quite good.” He started walking to some wooden dummies that the tribe used to practice melee weapons on. “You’ll see.” He said over his shoulder.

Meanwhile, Inside the Chief’s hut, he had to make a serious decision with Ra there to help. “So, we have to send at least one?” The Chief said making sure he had heard right after Ra gave him the brief details. “Yes” Ra answered. “I know we’re not suited for this fight, but we’re going to get chewed out for it if they find that we were absent.” After hearing Ra, the Chief sat with a puzzled face. Ra tried helping him out. “We’re sending Sly, but it sounds like Morq or Ink want to go with him. Should we prevent them from going, or something to preserve members? Or if you feel like you want a more experienced fight maybe me, or Stripe could go. Stripe is an excellent archer.”

The Chief finally gave an answer: “I want no more than two going with the fox. If he goes alone, they’ll probably not count him as a participant from our tribe. If Ink and Morq want to go, then fine. I want Stripe here as he is also a great lookout. If the crows return, he’s the best defense we have. This battle is not fit for you either, and it would be better if you stayed and waited for the real war to start before you participate. A simple outpost is not what you should put your energy towards.”

Ra acknowledged this plan as wise, and questioned the ideal team further: “So Ink leads with Morq and Sly… right?” “Right!” Chief replied. “Well… Morq can sit out if he wants to. I just need a knight, and that fox would be useless anywhere else.” He clarified. Ra then looked up at the ceiling with a sense of boredom, and asked “So what will we be doing here?” he said as he focused again on the Chief. Chief grinned, got up, and walked over to a long thick coat with an odd spear strapped on to the back. “I have something to do… I’ll be gone for tomorrow on a special hike. You guys carry on with your daily lives, and see if you can do something for a new place to sleep. Maybe find the materials to build a tent for our foreign friend.” Ra was very confused about this. “A hike sir? Why?” The chief frowned and said “All answers will come to you in time. Just carry on with the task of informing the tribe. Make sure they are train long and hard for the next two days.” with authority rising in his voice. Ra got up to head towards the wooden door, and spoke out “Yes sir. Goodnight and good hiking.” He said while he wrinkled his nose, and left with the thought that his Chief may be going crazy.
Edited by pieman280, Tuesday, 2. November 2010, 21:45.
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Ahahahaha usually i go POST FASTER! But this is going really fast. I'm rushing off now, so when i can, i shall comment properly :)
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I have to be quick here, so none of my usual florid prose today :P

Hut? Wouldn't the proper word be den? They are wolves and all.

Fight, Ink. Comma.

Begin a new paragraph every time a new person talks.

People (and I think wolves) don't droop when they're shreiking.

actually in fact - redundant. Pick one.

What is a Kriss? And why is it capitalized? hmm

Dragons? Gosh, we have dragons but not men? Interesting.

Chewed out. Wolves. Haha.

Sly=Sly Cooper reference?
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Fight, Ink. Comma


I can't believe I missed that. I'm so picky about placing commas when I'm writing. :unsure:

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actually in fact - redundant. Pick one.


I know lots of people who say that exact phrase. I think its poor grammar replacing "as a matter of fact". I guess its just a popular conversation flaw then, but I'm fine with it personally. :P I try to make these guys sound more believable like this. I wont do much of these, but sometimes I see it as more of a benifit to do something like less correct but "normal" occasionally.

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What is a Kriss? And why is it capitalized? hmm

Well at the time I was thinking it looked proper capitalized, but after some thought now its no different from "sword" or some other weapon name. And a kriss is one of these weird looking daggers: http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/4146ZNMPP4L._SL500_AA280_.jpg For some reason I found results that spelled it with double, or a single 'S'. :-/ Despite this, Google seems to be trying to correct me for typing it with two 'S's now despite the fact that it never bothered me about that before. I'll try to figure out which one is right before I mention it again. :P

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Dragons? Gosh, we have dragons but not men? Interesting.


Yeah, I was planning on adding them (and maybe other mythical creatures) as part of the Fantasy element. However, instead of just tossing one in at some sudden appearance and throwing off the reader, I decided to give them a subtle mention like this.


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Sly=Sly Cooper reference?


Nope. Never really even played those games. I just thought it was a good name for a fox. Actually, now that I think of it there was a game called "William and Sly" on newgrounds with a fox as the playable character.

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Begin a new paragraph every time a new person talks.


Fine, I'll start doing that.

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Hut? Wouldn't the proper word be den? They are wolves and all.


Nope. In this case huts. Those grassy, or wooden primitive houses. However den's will probably play out as a home to some people. Especially considering other societies. I was actually thinking about saying that Sly found a den to sleep in, but I thought that would be a little too convinient. So he just slept on the ground. :P

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People (and I think wolves) don't droop when they're shreiking.


A "droopy face look" as some people could call it is what some people do right before yelling/Shrieking in a sudden angry way. You've never seen the expression before where their mouths make a huge frown, their eyes looks sad (,and in this case his ears would drop too being an animal) all before an angry cry? Sly was happy, and suddenly found out that everything he had was burned. This was the perfect emotion right before the fit he threw.



EDIT: Half way done with Chapter 4. Wont work on it again until tommorrow evening because of school. I was able to post a chapter per day because of the time off I had.
Edited by pieman280, Thursday, 4. November 2010, 00:44.
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I've never seen a person do it, no. But I think my dog has. I guess he could droop before he shouted, but certainly not at the same time :P
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