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Yume; Another story
Topic Started: Tuesday, 2. November 2010, 01:41 (172 Views)
theMaximus
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Well, I'm not finished, so here's Part 1 ! More to come soon!... i think..

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Edited by theMaximus, Tuesday, 2. November 2010, 03:14.
Gwa ha ha, I kill you with my waffle magic! Gwa ha h- gahhh! I'm choking on my waffles!
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Warrior Poet
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If you lead me, I will go.
Climbing back into her bed, Kuro, laid there until she finally fell asleep.

Unnecessary comma little sister. Can you guess where?

Maybe you don't have to say she was dreaming. The character believes whatever she's deaming is real, at least for the moment. It could be more powerful if you didn't tell us that - as long as she wakes up, or realizes that what's going on makes no sense at all, you can let us believe it for a while. After all, Kuro believes it.

Materializing? Eh, please leave a little less of that to my imagination.

You've told us it has small wings and big claws, but how big is it? If you're gonna describe everything, describe...everything. It's a lot of work, I know, but worth it.

Strangely is rather understated here :P

Tall skyscrapers. Right...are these skyscrapers especially tall?

Behind her was a girl wearing a sleeveless shirt hat was silver on the top and a dark gray on the bottom. Her pants were black and had a pattern of golden roses going up the left pants leg. The girl had long boots, but the toes were open. They reminded Kuro of ninja sandals. On her hands were long fingerless gloves with a diamond on the left one. She had two daggers in a belt around her waist and a katana strapped to her back. But things got even weirder in this strange place ‘cause to Kuro’s surprise, the girl even had wings, animal ears coming out of yellow hair that fell over her green eyes, and a tail! The bird wings were a soft white color, and her ears and tail were of a fox’s.

Such a florid description of a girl who's standing behind Kuro! She kind of needs to turn around. She still hasn't done that by the end of the chapter, actually. Little things like this need attention, because...well...they're funny in an otherwise serious moment. Which is alright, but I think we can't know what she looks like if Kuro doesn't.

HOLY INFODUMP. That hurt my eyes. And my brain. If you can't spread out the description and absolutely must dump the info, split it into a few chunks, or at least have a description of anything else that's going on in between phrases. Otherwise the readers (like me) will completely skip it and just guess everything from what happens next, since you'll tend to remind us of everything you dumped in chapter one. Also, I like to let the reader get to know my characters for a few chapters before I start really, really exploring my world. That's because no one cares about the world if they don't care about the people in it.

Another thing on characters - they all just have one to thing to them. Kuro hangs out with a wolf, and has been selected (for no apparent reason at all) by an "angel," who is annoying and has no other traits about her than her amazing annoying-ness. And Kuro doesn't wonder about this. At all. Let me know what she's thinking. Kuro doesn't have any personality, either. She's laid back and all that, but I don't know what she's about at all.

t's just an ability he's always had, I guess

Wait, no, that's not right. It's okay for her to not know, but if it's not magic, or science, what the heck is it? If you're building a world, it can be fantastic and ridiculous and far away and exotic, but it absolutely must make sense. World building is the most fun thing ever - and the hardest work of anything you'll ever do in a novel. Lots harder than editing and revising a hundred times.

So, little sis, sorry if I was harsh. But ask anyone - that's my job!
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theMaximus
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No, no. You weren't harsh, it's you r job.... I guess....and thanks for the info. I probably won't update it for awhile though 'cause I'm busy. But you knew that. You critic too much T^T. Just kidding.
Gwa ha ha, I kill you with my waffle magic! Gwa ha h- gahhh! I'm choking on my waffles!
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