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Fence of Stone
Topic Started: Friday, 26. November 2010, 02:25 (124 Views)
Whoopy4
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Love sick fool
Fence of Stone

The sun keeps on fading
Dropping out of the sky
We keep on hoping
It's not our last good bye

Our toes, they are frozen
Standing in this snow
The sky is turning golden
And the wind begins to blow

We are few against many
Just wanting to get home
We hold our guns steady
Behind this fence of stone

As the light gives way to darkness
The snow begins to fall
Mother nature's harshness
Won't let us see at all

When the sun fills the sky
We stand one last time
For Fate has sentenced us to die
Sending a mountain we must climb

We are few against many
Just wanting to get home
We hold our guns steady
Behind this fence of stone

These men are mine to lead
Into battle we will go
Until we are freed
Our blood will stain the snow

I look all around me
I can see their breath
Their hearts are weary
They await their death

We are few against many
Just wanting to get home
We hold our guns steady
Behind this fence of stone

We can hear them coming
Over the last hill
One man is drumming
The rest come to kill

There are no words spoken
Just a silent good bye
As the night is finally broken
And I scream our battle cry

We are few against many
Just wanting to get home
We hold our guns steady
Behind this fence of stone
Thing a day - My blog about the trials and tribulations of writing a piece of literature every day for a year.

Days completed: 7

A more professional signature coming at a later date
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Warrior Poet
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If you lead me, I will go.
I thought it was about a girl at the beginning, since almost all of your poems are, but then I realized that you never actually said so :P The "these men are mine to lead" made me reread it. That's actually not a problem with the poem, just something to laugh at.

The rhythm was very good in this one. Usually it's your main issue, but the only awkward line in this one was "until we are freed." It did have the right number of syllables, but I think the fact that you started with a stressed vowel made it seem awkward because the poem's main pattern was unstressed beginning, stressed, unstressed, stressed. I know that seems really nitpicky, but try rearranging that to something like "And until we're freed." Small difference, but notice how the unstressed "and" shifts the sound of the entire line and eliminates the "ehh..." from the poem? That was the only time you had trouble with it, though. Your rhythm was better than mine usually is this time around.

I really like the description of the classic standoff: blowing wind, dust/snow in the air, the drums even. Very good job. Did you have movie/lit inspiration for this one?
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Harket
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asian
Hey! I liked this alot! Seriously, i dont think i can find much flaws, except this one:

We are few against many
Just wanting to get home
We hold our guns steady
Behind this fence of stone

You know how this kept repeating? Well, maybe a "but" or a "yet" behind the 2nd "we" would sound better. I dunno. Just me.

Other then that, i love that you out in the effort to make it rhyme, make sense, and be awesome! =D

Great work, here! :)
Birds don't like to fly, they have to fly.
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James
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it's all cool
Beautiful. :) *highfive*

To protect the world from devastation.
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dill101
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Plot Lady!
Woah. That rhymed. That's awesome. You get props for that. :)

I love the whole thing. Enough crtiquing was done already, so I' just here ot say I like it. :D
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