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| Fence of Stone | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Friday, 26. November 2010, 02:25 (124 Views) | |
| Whoopy4 | Friday, 26. November 2010, 02:25 Post #1 |
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Love sick fool
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Fence of Stone The sun keeps on fading Dropping out of the sky We keep on hoping It's not our last good bye Our toes, they are frozen Standing in this snow The sky is turning golden And the wind begins to blow We are few against many Just wanting to get home We hold our guns steady Behind this fence of stone As the light gives way to darkness The snow begins to fall Mother nature's harshness Won't let us see at all When the sun fills the sky We stand one last time For Fate has sentenced us to die Sending a mountain we must climb We are few against many Just wanting to get home We hold our guns steady Behind this fence of stone These men are mine to lead Into battle we will go Until we are freed Our blood will stain the snow I look all around me I can see their breath Their hearts are weary They await their death We are few against many Just wanting to get home We hold our guns steady Behind this fence of stone We can hear them coming Over the last hill One man is drumming The rest come to kill There are no words spoken Just a silent good bye As the night is finally broken And I scream our battle cry We are few against many Just wanting to get home We hold our guns steady Behind this fence of stone |
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Thing a day - My blog about the trials and tribulations of writing a piece of literature every day for a year. Days completed: 7 A more professional signature coming at a later date | |
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| Warrior Poet | Friday, 26. November 2010, 06:31 Post #2 |
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If you lead me, I will go.
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I thought it was about a girl at the beginning, since almost all of your poems are, but then I realized that you never actually said so The "these men are mine to lead" made me reread it. That's actually not a problem with the poem, just something to laugh at.The rhythm was very good in this one. Usually it's your main issue, but the only awkward line in this one was "until we are freed." It did have the right number of syllables, but I think the fact that you started with a stressed vowel made it seem awkward because the poem's main pattern was unstressed beginning, stressed, unstressed, stressed. I know that seems really nitpicky, but try rearranging that to something like "And until we're freed." Small difference, but notice how the unstressed "and" shifts the sound of the entire line and eliminates the "ehh..." from the poem? That was the only time you had trouble with it, though. Your rhythm was better than mine usually is this time around. I really like the description of the classic standoff: blowing wind, dust/snow in the air, the drums even. Very good job. Did you have movie/lit inspiration for this one? |
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| Harket | Friday, 26. November 2010, 11:25 Post #3 |
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asian
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Hey! I liked this alot! Seriously, i dont think i can find much flaws, except this one: We are few against many Just wanting to get home We hold our guns steady Behind this fence of stone You know how this kept repeating? Well, maybe a "but" or a "yet" behind the 2nd "we" would sound better. I dunno. Just me. Other then that, i love that you out in the effort to make it rhyme, make sense, and be awesome! =D Great work, here!
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| James | Tuesday, 7. December 2010, 23:26 Post #4 |
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it's all cool
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Beautiful. *highfive* |
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| dill101 | Wednesday, 22. December 2010, 15:31 Post #5 |
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Plot Lady!
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Woah. That rhymed. That's awesome. You get props for that. ![]() I love the whole thing. Enough crtiquing was done already, so I' just here ot say I like it.
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The "these men are mine to lead" made me reread it. That's actually not a problem with the poem, just something to laugh at.



2:30 PM Jul 11