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pooky is a beer bear; that's not really the title.
Topic Started: Wednesday, 1. December 2010, 00:19 (1,437 Views)
Harket
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asian
Nomnom. That was quite good. That whack idea of Ever's really got something rolling, and i can guess there's gonna be alot more of that, no? Anyway. I didnt even know you updated it till i saw WP comment on it. I enjoyed reading through all that, caroline is a total mystery still. I want more more munchkins! This story really go me hooked. :D Yey Tiffin!
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Warrior Poet
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If you lead me, I will go.
First of all, shame on you for not editing your post and saying you updated. I really thought you hadn't :P

Well, Caroline's rich, hm. There's no other explanation really. Your description on everything in that room and how it's aged but not that old is simply awesome. Just one thing: Why would that pocket watch still be ticking if it hasn't been wound for years? Unless Caroline wound it. But if she did, then it wouldn't have been untouched.

Wonder what happened to that son, hm?

And then Caroline's relationship with Ever. If she's not her aunt (which we know already), then what is she? Hopefully not Grandma! Well, not much happened in this one, but it was really nice with the description there.

So I'd post some of mine today, but all my fonts are missing. Horray.
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Harket
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asian
I jsut typed something out and it disappeared. :( Oh, well.

Heres teh way shorter version of it.

It was really good, and i loved it, yep, the awing and all.

Pacing was good throughout the whole story cept for last bit. Mayeb that could be a little slower? I dunno. It confused me a little.

YEY BUT ALLS GOOD CAUSE ITS AWESOME!

Sorry lah, lazy to retype out. :P
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Yuki Kashiwagi
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Saturday, 18. December 2010, 04:14
Nomnom. That was quite good. That whack idea of Ever's really got something rolling, and i can guess there's gonna be alot more of that, no? Anyway. I didnt even know you updated it till i saw WP comment on it. I enjoyed reading through all that, caroline is a total mystery still. I want more more munchkins! This story really go me hooked. :D Yey Tiffin!
Trivia: Name of Tiffin came about after a discussion of where dillylady lived, which was in Tiffin, Ohio.
寝ても覚めてもゆきりんワールド、夢中にさせちゃうぞ♪ ゆきりんこと柏木由紀です。よろしくお願いします。
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Sfabulous
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I'm going to reply now because I haven't commented on this in forever and I never gave you a decent review. Though this only really extends to the two latest updates .-.

Whee details. You take the most unassuming objects and make stories out of them. I don't usually enjoy reading long descriptions unless they're hilarious, but there you go.

And the random bits in between. They keep the story going even when nothing is happening. It's interesting that you know so much about throwing things at windows.

I remember something about Jonathan being in the car accident? I never understood that, cuz he died twice or something, but I didn't see that bit inside in this revision, so maybe you took it out. Or something.

Still can't wait for the end ;D
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Cow!
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So much reviews! :'D I love you teapots.

@wp


@sweet


@sfab


Thanks again, lovelies. <3


ps, new chapter's up!
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Warrior Poet
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Well, you used the cold and running. That's basically how I started out A Forlorn Throne lol. Instantly made me wonder what happened.

And then Tiffany says "What happens?" I think it's too early for hyper teenager talk. Even though they're apparently exhausted, they don't seem drowsy at all. At least not so far.

hm, charming. I sense Tiffinany will eventually fall hopelessly in love with her. Poor Tiffany.

Wait, Dad? If Tiffin's dead and has no memories of his past life, how in the heck does he have a Dad? This is just making less and less sense. You're doing that on purpose, aren't you? O_O

I'm pretty sure caffeine is psychological. Most of the kids I know, even my age, are affected by this, but it's worse with little kids. The instant something with sugar or caffeine touches their lips they just go nuts. And it's got nothing to do with whatever they drank lol

But if you're really tired, it's not such a bad thing.

Quote:
 
Something of a plot hatches in my mind, fluffy, yellow. It makes a delightful little peeping noise in my imagination, and back at home Kitty wakes up for a moment before falling asleep on the counter again. Now I can start counting my chickens.

It's things like that that make this story worth reading. And the whole Ever's insane thing. But if you don't make it as a novelist (which would be sad indeed) you could probably be a humorist.

Hm, Ever's hopeful but irrationally so. Inviting over guys who want to kill her (and then kiss her). tsk, tsk.

@lack of vocabulary - if only she knew

There was a lot of what? You sure know how to spread it thick. Thick and melty tasty.

Halfway through the sentence Caroline's clock episode seemed really out of character. You connected her with Ever really well though, with the ridiculous analysis of time and all, and of course the screaming episode. But it all seemed to fit by the time I was done.

All in all, beautiful chapter. Only problem is...how does Limester not wake up (or notice, if she is awake) for the clock episode?
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Cow!
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Quote:
 
You're doing that on purpose, aren't you?

;D


Something a little different today. This arc will hopefully get rid of some of your cobnfush.
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Harket
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asian
Spancy. :) How interesting. This has got me hooked and hoping you write moar. :D

Anyway. I give pretty useless reviews. :) Also, i mixed WPs and your NaNo up, so i keep wondering about alice and if that cold drink in a desert (?! Weird, eh? :D ) is the super human strength thing. :P
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Warrior Poet
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Time for chapter 21, horrah. So we're starting out this chapter with Ever deciding she has to "fix" two people who are completely different kinds of insane. Pretty good starter. I will actually read 21 lol now.

BEARD GUY. Oh, gosh. I have a feeling that's not the only time Beardy will be mentioned. He must be important if he has a beard. Though it's unclear whether he grabbed Limester or the scrub did.

Yay, Ever finally truly and utterly hates it :D. Amazing how not-spunky she got when he showed up. You did a good job with that.

And we at least get a hint of who Sarah is. A pretty strong one.

So that last line was just maddeningly vague. Again on purpose, huh?
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Warrior Poet
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So I'm wondering how the root beer gets Ever into this mysterious other world, but maybe I'll find out later. Maybe. lol. I was expecting an expanse of nothingness sort of like my Anodyne Sea but it has a ceiling. Nice. You did good with the imagery in the box. She is in a box, right?

Poly's been suppressed this whole time. I'm genuinely worried for her, which I thought would never happen when I met the green hair epic contacts type Poly.

First Cleansing. And now I'm genuinely afraid for Ever. Definitely better than landing in a forest and bumping her head. You've managed to build the beginnings of...well, something...and make it very interesting.

Interesting take on the afterlife there, or at least the confusion of this one. I know it wasn't entirely world-building. And then Beard killing SarahPolyLimeSter, which she's pretending to be ok with. You can explain things with more ridiculous questions, and it drives me insane. It also keeps me reading!

Holy crap. A laptop was the last thing I expected to see.

This place is so upside-down and insane, but that's how life on earth really can be. It's really interesting getting this little chunk of your mind here.

Meh, you ruined it with "all hell breaks loose." Especially considering the situation. I forgive you :P

Hm, there were basically two possibilities here: Ever is "Cleansed" or whatever, or she escapes and begins a long quest to rescue Poly. What you did here was brilliant, and now there are basically unlimited things you could do with this. Of course there always are, but there are infinitely more. Get it? No? oh well.

This book is crazy good, it is.
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Harket
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asian
Nice dimension/world transporting root beer you got there. ;D

You know what? I really cant critique your work. Too good. I'll leave WP to that, and tell you -

YOU SHOULD POST MOAR MOAR PLEASE. :D That was, as usual, extremely cliff hanging and suspenseful. Not fair. D:

<3 story.
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Cow!
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Moojestic Queen Moomay the Resplendent and Hot
Whoops, I forgot to update yesterday. Please forgive me for my crimes :)

Also, I love you guys a lot, and zomg we're almost at the end!!
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Warrior Poet
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So the novel's longer than 50,000, huh? Yeah, I forgive you!

hmm, waiting for load. Loading takes too long.

Hmm, 23. Waits, waits. I'm incredibly curious. Interesting dream sequence there. The unbearable pain is basically a staple, and I was hoping for something different, but it's pretty understandable. Te rest of it, the plasma being cold and all, is good. There's another thing I'm wondering about - Poly says there's nothing after the second death, but how in the world would she know that, hm? There could still be more to life.

So I'm hoping Ever will remember her name here. 23 was short. On to 24 :)

Oh, gosh that's even shorter haha. Nice. The robe...is it Ever's or someone else's? Terribly unclear. You're good at that. Nice voices. I assume she's barely conscious, or something. So she does remember her name. Hope she comes out better than she went in, but it's doubtful.

Cliffhanger. Almost literally. She fell off....

You're making me even more curious! Seriously crazy. I still can't wait for more here. Nothing really wrong with these, of course. How's your Christmas Eve go?

Have you been writing more as you release these, or just giving your brain a break? Either's fine. I've been on a brain-break.
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Sfabulous
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:O I haven't read this before! You're so sneaky.

I didn't expect the story to take a turn for the supernatural. But I suppose it had to get there sooner or later. It's very interesting. I think I understand the whole afterlife thing. Except for what happens to Poly. But izzalright.

That last chapter is exceedingly sad. Taukie will dock me MP for feeling emotional but it couldn't be helped. You picked out all the happiest moments in the story and made them feel so distant. It feels like forever since Ever was exploring the beach and meeting people. Sniff.

I'm still in awe.
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Harket
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Thought you should know that i read that and it didnt really make any sense at all to me but izzalright cause i dont think it was meant to make sense and it was very good despite everything that i didnt understand starting from when she was pushed out the door anyway. :)
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Cow!
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Izzalright you got the important bits :) Also, I love all of you guys.


Two updates today, cuz I failed at yesterday. Four chapters left until the end!!
Edited by Cow!, Monday, 27. December 2010, 21:35.
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Warrior Poet
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Of the story, or of the chapters you have done? Either way, endings are sad because then the story is done.
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Cow!
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End of the story. :)
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Warrior Poet
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Gosh, I better get reviewing then! Lezzsee, I'm waiting. Google Docs always takes a long time. Too long. And I have 25 megabit connection >_>

So while I wait, I have a question. The title ise NaNoWriMo2010GoD...what's the GoD for?

Still opening. Gosh.

Yay, I got to chapter 25. I cannot wait to read this. I'm having anxiousness type things. This is awesome.

Her first reflex is to swear, huh? Good old Ever. She remembers everything? THat's an honest surprise. I'm wondering just what's different about her, but I guess I'll find out pretty soon.

So Limester was the closest thing Ever had to a friend...but earlier, she called Tiffany a friend (without any attatched conditions or anything). mmm.

Man, where is she? That's killing me to know, especially since she's always into her surroundings. on purpose again, I'm sure.

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In the footprints I'm not leaving behind
. Er, what? That was probably one of the more confusing things you've said :P Nice minnow metaphor thing, there.

I really love how you said the dream should have ended by then. Without giving us any idea of how long she's actually been staggering around, we know how tired she is. That was really deep, too, knowing the dream should be over.

Fell off a roof! Awesome fun. Sounds to me like Wisconsin haha.

More third person, but she actually doesn't seem more insane than before. Though I'm wondering if she has green hair or something now.

XD she called him Beard too.

Amazing she doesn't look at the hand. I'm starting to wonder what's been happening, more than I was before anyway. You're good at this weird kinda stuff.

Now I met a guy named Chance once, and I have no idea whether that's just his name or what. Noice.

Map of the U.S. Combining something so ordinary with this ridiculousness is what makes the story so incredibly strange. Like the gun. This is pretty great.

hmm, cloaky. Good job. Unfortunately for you, the --------- caught my eye and I read "I wake up on a park bench" before I read the more falling.

Cold again horray! ANd the ocean, hopefully she's home now. Seems like she's alright. I am just intruiged, and I'm wondering how you will/won't explain this without using an infodump.

So, you didn't capitalize God. Maybe that's an Ever thing. Or a typo *shrug*

Ever totally cries.

I'm actually getting tired of sleeping for too long. hahaha. I need to just have a normal, non-Internet day. Seems I just have less and less to do lately.

So 26!

Seems the transparency is just as bad as the bruises. Almost a breath.

Internet joke, now? That's so inappropriate. I had to laugh.

"You're paranoid!" is pretty strong. The accusingly kind of was an "oh, okay," hting. I guess leave that out next time?

But the next thing, when she sees red, totally makes up for it :wub:

So did you call it Shadow Hills in the beginning? I don't remember that.

Ever's a really good character. I didn't like her at the beginning, really. But she's really good, and I really care about her now, more than most of everyone else I've read.

Falling From The Sky: Day 7 by Norma Jean was what I was listening to while I was reading this. I think you should take a listen. Why can't you see the bottom?

Quote:
 
Fiction is all I have now, all I want

Quote:
 
It was the honesty of these lands that made her yearn for the past

Just thought I'd throw that in there. Great minds do necessarily think differently, but they overlap in important areas sometimes ;P

insert cliche here. I love that. And she used to be an idiot. You really thought that out, man. Bovine/ballerina/cat/dragonfae/frog/whatever.

Some budding emo. I laughed. Everything about these last few chapters has been totally priceless, one way or another. And the ceasing to exist again...how do they know that death's not the beginning? I understand that 30 days isn't enough time for serious world-building, but I'd like to hear them answer that question.

"this thought is according to an outline I imagined you to have." Use it, I dare you. It seems to have a lot of this story's essence wrapped up in it, yeah?

Too much cold imagery, I think.

27. That's today. Last chapter for now. And I'm aweing this time. Seriously. Other than Hope, which will pretty much always be in my heart when I'm down, I think this is my favorite thing you've written.

Epic first sentence. Man, when I read "cleaned," I thought it was "cleansed." Heart skipped a beat.

Kitty! I forgot about here. I don't see why Ever wouldn't bring her, except for numbing absentmindedness.

Secret doors are part of what makes life worth living.

Nice butterfly thing.

He wants to talk. Honestly I expected it. But you lead me there, and I think that's fine. I'm not disappointed or anything.

Haha, no one wants her. Don't get me wrong, I'm heartbroken about that. But how you did it was just really honest. Honest like Anodyne Sea, I think. This isn't just a story for you, is it?

I guess he does want her. But you had her (and me) thinking that for a while. That question still stands, though.

The final falling imagery was pretty disappointing at first, but falling inward is a really legit metaphor. I guess maybe you used it too much before...you know, it's hard to say, since it's one of the key concepts of the story.

So I really wasn't expecting Tiffany to be there. It's not cool that you killed him, but I forgive you because I want to see where this goes in these next chapters. I have the feeling he won't just disappear, you know. Maybe that's something you implied in the beginning, and maybe it's just me. I'll find out later. I'm wondering what Faelan is doing and feeling and all with Ever and Tiffany on the ground, and where the heck Poly is too. He gonna comfort Ever, or watch?

I'm still aweing. You deserve a :huggles: for this. Really, it's not just good. It's honest, and I feel like I didn't just read some story you wrote. I feel like I sat down and had one of those long conversations with you.

Well, until next time!
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Cow!
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@wp


28 is up, and I'll post 29 in the mewrning later.
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Harket
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Woah baby. Wp is here to review so im here to awe.

Anyway. I really liked that, and the flow and everything went well, i guess. Why does Ever want to die again? If she gets killed, Faelen will still be there, right? Um... nevermind. Also how did Tiffin find her, i thought poly said...? Im confused. But a good confused. :)

That was amazing, honestly. And i want Tiffin to live so badly. LIVE TIFFIN LIVE.

Only 2 more questions. I'll give you cookies if you answer them. ;D
Why is it that Samantha could see Tiffin and Faelen? I thought they were a figment of Ever's imagination?

And.

What does Vladimir have to do with this all?

thanks. :D
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Warrior Poet
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I guess that does make some sense lol. It's completely different from mine, so I just needed a little straightening out lol. I/we love you too :)

Ahw thank you

It's a habit that just might be worth fixing. Or a find-and-replace. You did capitalize it in some other sentence

Yeah, that's what I thought :wub:

Horray horray

And of course :) you deserve it! Ok, time for chapter 28 now! But it's the 29th, hmm.

-----

Profound that you mention that Ever can see.

hm, hospital white wouldn't make me less afraid. I don't mind doctors, but being in the hospital means there's something wrong with me. haha.

I'm going to the library in like 15 minutes so I might not actually finish this review :shrug:

I LOVE nice couches.

Hmm, so Poly's being vague again. Prolly means he's bleeding all over still.

So Ever begins an idiot, leans something, and then realizes she's still an idiot. This is the human condition.

Hmm you make me curious again with fael.

+1 for using the word "flummoxed."

So it's funny how both our honest stories are at least partially true, but one of Anodyne Sea's many themes was that believing something doesn't make it real, and furthermore, almost nothing that's real matters either. - that the only thing that matters can be something that's real and then some. Self-existent.

I love reading this.

Samantha heard what happened? I assume poly told her, but what did the limester say? I'm wondering haha.

Almost got so caught up in the mystery of your afterlife that I totally forgot where we started. That's so true of real life, too. A lesson I (re)lean from this witout you even writing it in :)

Wait, she knows about Tiffany laying dead and didn't really say anythingabout it or even acknowledge him directly. Yet this was revealing that she was decent. So strange!

Thought you meant the cold was settling into Tiffany, but that's good too.

Nothing really happened plot-wise, but a lot happpened for Ever. Awesome :)

It's amazing how deadlines bring out your worldview. Srs. That's with almost anything, but especially novels.
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Ever and Tiffin are so cute :P it's a pleasant change from all the sad heavy stuff. I truly love your characters. They all have their own distinct personalities and interactions with each other that are really well thought out and genuine. So I was actually happy when Poly and Tiffin didn't die. They're all awesome. And Tiffin knows the importance of sleep! :D

I honestly have no idea how this will end; there are so many things that haven't been resolved. I'll wait for you to surprise me :)
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Warrior Poet
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yaaay time for review! And sadly, the last chapter too. Unless you have a 31st. Not quite sure. Either way I'll love you forever for this :huggles:

I really like how you open. I've read plenty of descriptions of the MC losing track of time (it happens in basically every novel there is) and this one is one of the best.

I also really like how you went all the way back to stef. I was expecting more sitting with Tiffany, but this was better.

I'm not quite sure what to think about Ever and Tiffany's conversation. I'll get back to you once I've decided. It's not what I expected - I expected some sort of romantic thing, of course. But this story is almost never what I expect. Except for the beginning, but that was a lot of chapters ago.

So she's finally done with this, and we can assume Fael is dead. Cool.Now what? SHe lives with images in her head for the rest of her life? Oh well. There are so many possible endings, so I guess I'll just brace myself and read the last one.

I always liked looking atthe stars. Too bad in the city they're hard to see sometimes. Again you have a wonderful image that's totally original: the stars coming down to sit by you. That's so good.

Amazing with the keys, too.

The signifiicance of ELD? It might by my brain's disrememberness, but I can't figure that out. Fortunately the photos were a little easier to decipher.

"doctors say a lot of things." lol. Nice break from the heaviness there. That's pretty amazing.

RAMENRAMEN. IT's good for your soul, man.

And I can feel the end coming. I think it's really respectable that you're having her go back home, and that there was a good story about loss without actually killing anyone, except possibly Faelan.

I actually did some research on NDEs, and there's quite a lot of evidence there's something supernatural about them. There was one woman (I disremember her name, sorry) who was born blind. She died, was rescuated, and woke up just fine (still blind). And then she went on to meticulously describe, in great detail, every single object in her hospital room. The case was well documented and all. If you're interested I can find it later.

I'm confused about Ever's stance on truth, too. Everyone around knows I stand for absolute truth. A recurring idea was that you can make anything true if you try hard enough, and now Ever's saying there is a certainty. And how about you? Are you a relativist or an absolutist? I'm not aiming to start a debate or anything, just wondering.

Caroline is an interesting character too. Though I don't understand "everything to die for." I thought the only things that could possibly be worth dying for must first be worth living for.

Hmm, I guess Ever could be old enough to be on her own. It takes a while to grow up, but I'm sure she will eventually. Don't know whether that'll be good to watch or not. I mean, the worst thing about having adventures like this is either having to pretend they didn't happen or knowing that everyone you love thinks you're insane.

So you leave us wondering where Ever goes, who she does, and just how hopeless Ever and Tiffany really are. One of them's dead, after all.

But is there another chapter? There's the STAY TUNED FOR UPDATES, BACONS. That means there's a 31, hm? I do hope there is. I was hoping for an ending with Poly and Tiffin in it, but if there's not I guess I'll have to live with this, ha.

I like this. Really do.
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Cow!
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Moojestic Queen Moomay the Resplendent and Hot
There is a chapter thirty-one! :D

And a happy (?) ending, because everybody loves those.


@sweetie


@wp


@sfab


@wp again



Good times, good times. You guys are the best. Last chapter 2mr :)
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Warrior Poet
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If you lead me, I will go.
hmm, I thought this was a oneshot type thing. I don't necessarily like happy endings (look at Anodyne Sea and even Charlie the Chipmunk). For me it's about something else.

Spoiler: click to toggle

Hey! I cannot believe you just did that!

About other people seeing Tiffin and Poly: Well, in Atavism how I do it is...
Spoiler: click to toggle
So maybe it's the dead peoples' choice, or they need to cast a spell, or something.

I think we'll have to add it to the quote file
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Cow!
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Moojestic Queen Moomay the Resplendent and Hot
Well kittens, it's over now. :)

Thank you for all your lovely comments and questions and even just reading my freaky little novel. It means more to me than you will ever know.

Sniff.

Anyway, yeah, I love you, and those of you who aren't sick of me yet can feel free to stay tuned for redrafting. :)
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That kinda makes me sad, mewmay. But I still can't wait to read the end! I guess I'll actually do that now.

Nice opening line, I guess. But Kitty is someone Ever can trust no matter what :)

Caroline's dead? Aww. I was hoping she'd find love or something like that. But I'm not surprised, since you ruined it earlier lol. But Ever really cares for Caroline now, and I guess that's what's really important here. Too bad she's dead, though.

I think it's perfectly fine to bring a cat to a funeral, as long as she doesn't make any noise.

"Everything true and complete is gone." It's great how different our two brain-childs are, but they do agree on a few things.

You know, if you're quoting scripture, you might as well capitalize it :P Also in chapter 30, Bible is the title of a book. I know you don't believe much of what it says, but it's an actual grammatical error not to capitalize that. And it's basically the only one in the whole book, too :P Also just to be really picky (Because I know you love that,) God and Lord aren't names, but they're proper nouns because they're titles. God does have personal names such as Adonai and Elohim. Anyway, because you're making that mistake on purpose, there are some readers who might be offended. And while there's nothing wrong with offending people with a controversial story, this would be a pointless sort of offending.

I still didn't get my ending with Tiffany and Limester, lol, but it's yours. Not mine. I think what you did was better than what I would've, anyway. But the thing about it that's really not cool is that you didn't even tell me whether he died or not! He seemed alright, but you never really said for sure.

As for the last line, it's wasn't quite as confusing as mine lol, but close to it. Mostly because of what she means by "happily ever after" - is it the illusion she's discarded or the hope for Caroline or what? I dunno.

I'll definitely tag along when you redraft, on the condition that Ever and Tiffany do have one last talk. This novel was really good, real touching. I got to know you better reading it. That's pretty much all I'd want out of a novel. You had some pretty hilarious lines in there, too. :wub:

Till redraft time!
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Sfabulous
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Sleepy Kat
The dream sequence is, well, intriguing and mostly above me heh. The lights were cute. Didn't think you could put so much character into such insignificant things.

So Ever's prolly the bride in the picture. With Tiffin? This demands a sequel!

"If you were a conch shell, what would you mean?" You're brilliant. Like, really.

Great work with the ending. It's not easy to write one that's clever and not cheesy. You started the story with death and ended with death but so much changed along the way. And the cat was nice.

Anyway yaaay I'd gladly read this all over again when you revise it. And a sequel is the best news I've heard all year :D birdy!
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