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Topic Started: Tuesday, 7. December 2010, 23:14 (231 Views)
James
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it's all cool
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Edited by James, Sunday, 4. February 2018, 14:36.
To protect the world from devastation.
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Warrior Poet
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If you lead me, I will go.
It was all very lovely. In the last half there were some odd rythmic things, which I think was very strange, considering you used "mem'ries" to preserve the meter of that line. Most of it was good, but in the second half you definitely could have payed more attention to meter.

Quote:
 
came in and said to get down
First of all, "said to get down" is a little tame for an armed robbery. But past that, it ruined the rhythm. Even if you won't change the words, "said get down" would probably work a little better.

Quote:
 
I'd seen enough episodes of Bugs Bunny Saturday mornings
to know for a fact what it was.[/quote
That whole one was sort of an oddity. Do some rearranging.

There are other ones, but I'm confident you can find them yourself. I especially like the beginning. I wondered what the stone was, but you explained it later, and that wonder was what kept me reading the poem the whole time. It got more obvious halfway through, but I was enjoying the words too much to really be thinking about them.

I'm going to work on my poem now. Right now it's you and whoopy (and me soon). Hopefully I can get this poem done well, then throw together an banner and maybe more poems and emotes. Good job :)
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Look carefully. There's something wrong with this picture.
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James
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it's all cool
Thanks for the crits. After the contest I'll try to revise. :)
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Cow!
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Moojestic Queen Moomay the Resplendent and Hot
The only thing I saw was with the bit about the proposal, and then you said she was seven, and it looked like he was going to marry a seven year old. which is a little strange. But maybe that was just me.
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James
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it's all cool
lol, Moomay. I was afraid of that confusion, but I tried to clear up any confusion later on in it somewhere.
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Harket
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asian
Beautiful! I really liked this, and im so sorry i took so long to reply! Also - one thing. I was confused about teh proposal thing too, but then i read on and i got it. Great work, a beautiful piece, you should write more often! :D
Birds don't like to fly, they have to fly.
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James
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it's all cool
Thanks, Sweetdang. lol, I try to write often, but I have really bad block and no time. I forced myself to write this in English and literature so I could get it in so Phov wouldn't eat me. :DD
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Harket
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asian
Ahahah heart heart. <3 You write good poems when forced? Woah. I can never do that. only stories. xD
Birds don't like to fly, they have to fly.
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James
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it's all cool
Well, I force myself to start, and then once I start I get going. But then, on this one, I forced myself to start, and then I got stuck in the middle, and so I had to force myself to restart. If I call myself a failure often enough, I normally can write by force. I just tell myself that my whole entire life will be for nothing if I don't do so and such, and that gets me working. I tell myself that multiple times daily. You'd think it'd stop working after a while, wouldn't you?
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Harket
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asian
A completely forced poem and its amazing. Wow you make me feel SO MUCH BETTER about myself. :P
Birds don't like to fly, they have to fly.
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