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| Tweet Topic Started: Tuesday, 7. December 2010, 23:14 (231 Views) | |
| James | Tuesday, 7. December 2010, 23:14 Post #1 |
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it's all cool
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redacted
Edited by James, Sunday, 4. February 2018, 14:36.
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| To protect the world from devastation. | |
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| Warrior Poet | Wednesday, 8. December 2010, 00:03 Post #2 |
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If you lead me, I will go.
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It was all very lovely. In the last half there were some odd rythmic things, which I think was very strange, considering you used "mem'ries" to preserve the meter of that line. Most of it was good, but in the second half you definitely could have payed more attention to meter.First of all, "said to get down" is a little tame for an armed robbery. But past that, it ruined the rhythm. Even if you won't change the words, "said get down" would probably work a little better.
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Look carefully. There's something wrong with this picture. | |
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| James | Wednesday, 8. December 2010, 04:09 Post #3 |
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it's all cool
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Thanks for the crits. After the contest I'll try to revise.
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| To protect the world from devastation. | |
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| Cow! | Wednesday, 8. December 2010, 13:59 Post #4 |
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Moojestic Queen Moomay the Resplendent and Hot
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The only thing I saw was with the bit about the proposal, and then you said she was seven, and it looked like he was going to marry a seven year old. which is a little strange. But maybe that was just me. |
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| James | Wednesday, 8. December 2010, 23:16 Post #5 |
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it's all cool
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lol, Moomay. I was afraid of that confusion, but I tried to clear up any confusion later on in it somewhere. |
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| Harket | Saturday, 18. December 2010, 04:38 Post #6 |
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asian
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Beautiful! I really liked this, and im so sorry i took so long to reply! Also - one thing. I was confused about teh proposal thing too, but then i read on and i got it. Great work, a beautiful piece, you should write more often!
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| Birds don't like to fly, they have to fly. | |
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| James | Sunday, 19. December 2010, 22:44 Post #7 |
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it's all cool
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Thanks, Sweetdang. lol, I try to write often, but I have really bad block and no time. I forced myself to write this in English and literature so I could get it in so Phov wouldn't eat me. :DD |
| To protect the world from devastation. | |
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| Harket | Monday, 20. December 2010, 03:33 Post #8 |
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asian
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Ahahah heart heart. <3 You write good poems when forced? Woah. I can never do that. only stories.
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| Birds don't like to fly, they have to fly. | |
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| James | Thursday, 23. December 2010, 05:34 Post #9 |
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it's all cool
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Well, I force myself to start, and then once I start I get going. But then, on this one, I forced myself to start, and then I got stuck in the middle, and so I had to force myself to restart. If I call myself a failure often enough, I normally can write by force. I just tell myself that my whole entire life will be for nothing if I don't do so and such, and that gets me working. I tell myself that multiple times daily. You'd think it'd stop working after a while, wouldn't you? |
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| Harket | Thursday, 23. December 2010, 08:17 Post #10 |
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asian
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A completely forced poem and its amazing. Wow you make me feel SO MUCH BETTER about myself.
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| Birds don't like to fly, they have to fly. | |
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2:30 PM Jul 11