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| Tweet Topic Started: Friday, 17. December 2010, 15:03 (151 Views) | |
| Harket | Friday, 17. December 2010, 15:03 Post #1 |
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asian
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'Tis but a small incident To make it all fall 'Tis but a mistake To ruin it all 'Tis but a shake; a judder For a hand flung out 'Tis but a beautifully deceitful lake To lure in and kill the trout 'Tis but a once magical thing Now choked with water 'Tis but fun-filled memories Now crushed with a mortar And in the blink of an eye A touch of a finger These joy-filled moments Will no longer linger Anger and anguish Malice and hate Have captured us and reeled us in With ourselves as the bait. Consumed by our losses We shun all those who care And join the thieves and robbers and crooks In their dangerous deathly lair The sunlit rays Become less and less; Trip and fall Into a dark waiting abyss. Confusion and disarray Reign the land The party has started With evil hand in hand But arriving late is an unexpected guest A tiny white butterfly of hope As it flutters by, you feel renewed Can it stop your skid down this slope? And as time passes The grip of hatred dies And the spring of evil Slowly it drys And little by little Bit by bit The candle of life Has been relit And maybe, just maybe What’s done can be undone And our streams of love and happiness Can once again run. Edited by Harket, Friday, 24. December 2010, 02:59.
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| James | Sunday, 19. December 2010, 22:50 Post #2 |
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it's all cool
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The last stanza sounded like Doctor Suess. Besides the typos and misspellings, the only thing I found with the poem itself is the stanza where the butterfly comes in. It's a little off with the rest of the poem. Otherwise, very nicely done. Brava! |
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| Harket | Monday, 20. December 2010, 03:47 Post #3 |
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asian
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I dont watch/read it. Actually, this was based on something that happened to me. If you look at it closely, you'll see that from the 4 stanza, the perspective changes.I edited it. Can please re-read? Thanks!
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| Warrior Poet | Tuesday, 21. December 2010, 05:07 Post #4 |
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If you lead me, I will go.
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so it's 'tis, with the apostrophe, and it means "it is." You forget the apostrophe, people will shake their heads at you ![]() Now I'm pretty sure that was shudder, but Google says judder is a legit word too. The main thing about this poem that will make you go "huh" is the strange word choice. You use a 15th century word like 'tis with "judder" and "relit" and those types of words - you know, modern ones. Also, I'm not sure if relit is actually a word. While it could technically be correct, I've never read it used that way. Middle English poetry tends to have a very exaggerated, dainty kind of English with emphasized stressed syllables. You go alone talking like a normal conversation. That's usually fine, but your most common word was "tis." Also, I know you use short lines and that's also usually fine, but poetry from then tends to be rather long-lined - ten syllables a line or so. Also make sure you run it through a spell-checker - write it in OpenOffice or KOffice or Word or Google Docs...or something. I'm pretty sure you meant "float." Here's what "flout" means:
It takes like ten seconds and instantly makes the poem better. Grammar isn't everything in a poem, but it's certainly something. Your rhyme scheme was pretty odd. It was something like *A*A. That's usually fine, too, lol. But like I said, poetry with the "'tis" feel is different. And then you didn't even use 'tis in the second half, which made me wonder if it was supposed to come full circle or not. *shrug* With ourselves as our bait - now that stanza was really, really good. You managed to capture the darkest parts of human nature, the parts that caused the fall of man, and rhyme them perfectly. Of course you can't have every line be super profound, but that was awesome. I love slant lines, but care and lair? That's a stretch >_> So you used the abyss imagery, which is pretty overused but can be done really well too. You only mentioned it once, though, and I think something like an abyss really deserves more than once. That's just me, though. What made me wonder was the slope - bottomless holes generally don't have slopes. Think about it. If one of the walls slopes inwards at an angle steep enough that you can slide at, it will eventually meet with the other wall and the pit will therefore not be bottomless (or at least incredibly deep). I didn't actually put much thought into that. It was just what I was visualizing. So your imagery, your concept, etc was all fine, and you had some really nice lines like "ourselves as the bait." Your main problem is consistency, though, and I'm starting to notice a pattern. Notice these for yourselves, fix them (ask someone how if you can't), and be all the better for it! Now, it's not like I don't have these problems. In my love-driven fantasies, I usually have the same problem. One character has incredible devotion to the other, which is the motivation for that character to do the incredible things he or she does. In Anodyne Sea, Eveline was a weak character - and she should have been really fleshed out, considering the role she played. I never really got going on Atavism, but Terence was really one-sided in that one. To be fair, I only ever drafted 3 chapters of that one. It's still on hold in my Ideas Box. Any writer tends to have the same problems, in some works more than others. We're all humans, of course. So write more poems! |
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| Sfabulous | Tuesday, 21. December 2010, 15:09 Post #5 |
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Sleepy Kat
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So I liked some your imagery. Beautifully deceitful lake, white butterfly, et c. Some of it was more of a cliche, but the thing is you had such a wide variety of descriptions that you pulled off the whole fresh idea thing. That said, I wasn't quite sure what your poem was about just pretend.Rhyming. I can tell you put effort into keeping that going throughout the whole poem. But if you're going to have an even rhyme scheme, it's also important to restrict the length of your lines as well. Because right now they aren't all very flowy. But izzalright. That's an opinion thing. Anyway. More please
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| Harket | Friday, 24. December 2010, 02:59 Post #6 |
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asian
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First up - I love you guys for reading this and replying. Yes, i really, really do. ![]() @WP: Nomnom. Riiiight. Sorry sir, i forgot. Will be edited in.Yesh, it's legit. I saw it.. somewhere... in some book... i think. I dunno. I didnt make my word choice toward any century or anything like that. The thing is, what sounds right, is what I write. (ahaha that was quite cool.) When i write, I put in the effort to write it, right? So from the first draft, its raw and unedited, but the thing is, it also holds the raw feeling. Thats why i hate editing my poems and pieces. Weird, but true. So, I'm not going to lean my writing balance toward any century or anything like that - nope. About relit - oops. Nevermind. Poetic license. ![]() It's definitely something. I know that there's alot of screwy stuff up with this. Thing is, i wrote it in Korea - when all i had was a notebook and pen, and i was freezing my butt off in a bus cause Korea is unbelievably cold. Also, I was kind of the only one on the bus 'cept for the bus driver, cause the rest were viewing the stupid attraction. And there was no chance of asking any of my family members, cause I was kind of crying and, um, its a long story. I know, who cries on a HOLIDAY? Someone who has a pretty darn good reason to be crying and upset, BUT. Point is, i never ran it through anything, came back, typed it straight into BW. If i edited it, the original feeling and meaning to it would be lost for me. But i edited it anyway, so - reread? And perhaps comment. Cause from the moment i wrote the 5th stanza, the original reason why i wrote the poem was lost to me, and i, well, i started writing it in a different perspective.I catch no ball. Nvm. Point is, its NOT meant to come full circle. Its kind of hard to see this except if you are me, but. I'll try to explain. Its not really very obvious, so, yea. Till the 4th stanza, its all about SOMETHING happening. It never, ever says that I am AWARE that it is of me. Like, its my fault. Earlier, it just WAS. Now, it is because i am angry, upset, basically, im embracing it as my fault. Or that i have a fault. So - no full circle. ![]() THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHOUSANDKISSES. Yea, that was my favorite line of this poem, too. Thanks. Why is it a stretch? Either I'm pronouncing them wrongly, or they have diff pronunciations, cause care and lair rhyme perfectly. Right?v Thanks. Like, really, really thanks. ![]() @Sfadow: Nomnom. Thats a first. I always thought that the problem with my poems are that i dont describe them enough and stuff. And literary devices. Ahh, i suck at that. ;DNeh, others will prolly think the same. I'll keep that in mind. Meh. If you critique them, then i will.
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Actually, this was based on something that happened to me. If you look at it closely, you'll see that from the 4 stanza, the perspective changes.




2:30 PM Jul 11