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| Maybe; a song i wroooote :3 | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Thursday, 23. December 2010, 23:31 (107 Views) | |
| Deleted User | Thursday, 23. December 2010, 23:31 Post #1 |
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Deleted User
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A girl of 5 A girl of 5 She runs like the wind The sun on her skin She smiles A girl of 5 A girl of 5 A stick in her hand She waves her arm in command She's vile! A fairy, maybe She climbs up a tree pretends that she's flyyyying. A sailboat, she sails Until she is pale She didn't know she was up so high! A girl of 5 A girl of 5 A young mind to mold She says she wont get old She's Peter Pan! A girl of 5 A girl of 5 She lay on the grass She doesn't have to ask She's just plain fine... That girl of 5 That girl of 5 Grew up in 15 years. She wiped away her tears As she left 20 years young She was so glum To leave her land That she thought was so grand To work as a cortisone Baby, Maybe I'll be okay Maybe, Baby I'll find my way Back to my home Instead of alone Maybe Baby, Maybe baby No...one...know.... |
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| Harket | Friday, 24. December 2010, 02:02 Post #2 |
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asian
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Dont ask me why, but i think this would be better entitled " That Girl Of 5." ![]() It was fine, and i quite liked re living her life, up till you used the word glum. I dont have a problem with it, just it was a little out of place after all teh joy and WHOOP WHOOP. And from then on i just didnt really understand it. It was fine all the way till there, though, so maybe rework out the bottom? You kind of got something going, though. Maybe more on how she grew up and what happened - that was a little too rushed. Also i didnt really get the last line. But it can be something great, you know. POTENTIAL POTENTIAL! ![]() Also points for having the same title as a poem i wrote.~ I thought it was mine.
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| Birds don't like to fly, they have to fly. | |
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| Deleted User | Friday, 24. December 2010, 03:11 Post #3 |
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Dx im sowwy i didnt mean to steal ya title! ._. and...it wont let me edit the topic. D': |
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| Warrior Poet | Friday, 24. December 2010, 03:54 Post #4 |
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If you lead me, I will go.
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Repetition can be used very well, but I think having "girl of five" eight times in two choruses is a bit much, hm? Maybe that's just me. It was a nice story about childhood innocence in that. Add some more verses, and a bridge or something. Tell us more of that story! And then you did Baby, Maybe/Maybe, Baby. I don't know what it was about that, but it was pretty strange. Mm, Peter Pan. Definitely one of my favorite stories ever. Although I have no idea how sailing can make you pale. |
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| Deleted User | Friday, 24. December 2010, 04:07 Post #5 |
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Deleted User
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thank u ![]() the point of the maybe, baby was to stress the possibility that she might return home. x.x idk if i got the meaning of a cortisone right, but i think it means like a can-can girl or someone who entertains men. (sorry...too much MoulinRouge x.x) im sorry i didnt really fill in the story since its a song about a story i've written. It takes place in a small village in France where a young girl's father owns a large farm. There she is free to roam the the fields and play whatever make beleive games she wants to play. As she grows older her father slowly falls ill with a disease and dies when she is 20. Knowing there are many rich men in Paris, the girl ventures off to basically be a fancy whore to provide for her mother and younger brother. She runs into trouble there, and writes a song about her childhood, then wishes to return there. ._. soooo yeah...mai bad Dx |
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| Harket | Friday, 24. December 2010, 04:12 Post #6 |
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asian
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Fancy whore? Ouch. Havent watched that. But heard it was really goood.
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| Birds don't like to fly, they have to fly. | |
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| Deleted User | Friday, 24. December 2010, 04:32 Post #7 |
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Deleted User
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well she danced for men who paid her to wow them while she was dancing in fish nets and singing ballets of love. ._. ...sorta not the average whore but close to it. Moulin Rouge: 3rd best romance movie in the world >_< |
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| Harket | Friday, 24. December 2010, 06:05 Post #8 |
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asian
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And the best is?
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| Birds don't like to fly, they have to fly. | |
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| Deleted User | Friday, 24. December 2010, 18:13 Post #9 |
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Deleted User
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._. hmmmm....idk yet. :O im leaving space for when i watch a bunch of movies. ._. when im old and weary...then i shall tell u...young one...*nods the old asian nod* |
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| Harket | Saturday, 25. December 2010, 11:16 Post #10 |
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asian
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*nods the respectful disciple nod* |
| Birds don't like to fly, they have to fly. | |
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