| Welcome to Budding Writers! If you're seeing this message, you are currently viewing the forum as a guest. You should register if you want to post. Unless you're a spam bot. Then you probably shouldn't. |
| HighSchoolDisaster; someone at my school got pregnant :/ this is for her <3 | |
|---|---|
| Tweet Topic Started: Monday, 27. December 2010, 19:25 (85 Views) | |
| Deleted User | Monday, 27. December 2010, 19:25 Post #1 |
|
Deleted User
|
Did you hear? Did you hear? Did you hear? Did you hear? It's too serious to talk about You can't look in the wrong direction Everyone's whispering about what happened Why dont you motherf***ers get a life? You gotta sit in a classroom With all the eyes glued down on your back They know what happened Now they are watching Looking for the next show of entertainment Oh, baby, can't this be over? Not a place of learnin' More like a jail cell. What i did was between me-and-him And he shouldn't have let this hap-pen But now i gotta pay for it Might as well die,forget this. It was just 1 night! Let it go! You should know Its a high school disaster! A month passes and i've skipped my bleeding. I look at Mom But she's just pleading Pleading for me to take it out. Its my baby, i wont kill it, there's no doubt. Mom cries at night and Dad has left us We never knew it would go this far Is just one night the cause of all of this? My man's not here. He's gone somewhere. And now we're left alone in this cold house No love floods like it used to. My mom's been drinking And we are sinking I dont think she even cares about me. Oh, baby, can't this be over? Not a place of family More like a jail cell. What i did was between me-and-him And he shouldn't have let this hap-pen But now i gotta pay for it Might as well die,forget this. It was just 1 night! Let it go! You should know Its a high school disaster! 7 months pass, its almost time to go. From my old live to some new odd freakshow Gotta raise this baby on my own. Tried to call my man but he's left me He's with his new girl Her name's Brittany. Blonde hair, blue eyes. She's a slut, its no surprise. He took my life. He just begged to do it. I gave in I never knew that This one mistake would cause this trouble. And now he's gone.... I just cant deal with this stuff.... So this is what happens when you play rough. You lose your childhood You are a mother. Of a baby who wont know his Daddy. And have a mom who is only 17. So i cry. So i cry. And i pray that i wake. From this nightmare. Oh, this nightmare. I really can't handle a kid. 'Cause I'm one, and im alone in the wind. |
|
|
| Harket | Tuesday, 28. December 2010, 04:30 Post #2 |
![]()
asian
|
Beautiful. And it made me sad. This bit : There is a typo of "life." But thats not why i ponted it out. I pointed it out cause, well, this was my favourite line and i dont know why but i loved it. ![]() Although, I would like to ask - why the ending? Usually when people write something like this, the last line will e something that just strikes the reader, or that is a repeat or a chorus. So, if i may as - why did you end it liek that? It's not a rhetorical or reprimanding question, i just genuinely want to know. WHat meaning was there behind it, or is it as it is? |
| Birds don't like to fly, they have to fly. | |
View Profile |
|
| Warrior Poet | Tuesday, 28. December 2010, 17:14 Post #3 |
|
If you lead me, I will go.
|
I like the "did you hear?" Mostly because that sums up the entire poem, or at least the first speaker. Fourth line of the second stanza there...The astericks don't fool anyone, honestly. I never swear myself, but plenty of my characters say really nasty things. This poem is your character speaking, not necessarily you. Go ahead and write the whole word out and give it its full strength. If you want to hide it that bad, find a different word! Or you could type it in l33t or a spoiler tag or something Words like $#!+ appear censored to anyone who doesn't l33t, lol.Show of entertainment, huh? That line was pretty awkward. I know the meaning you're sending across, but it throws of the rhythm a little. Plus I've never actually heard anyone say "show of entertainment." Rephrase? So this baby, is it the pregnant girl's child, or is it used to refer to the pregnant girl? Or no one in particular at all? But nice job with her sitting in the classroom with eyes glued to her back. That basically tells us what's going on and how she feels, and even implies she wants to be out of sight, in the back. Also with lyrics you don't really want to put hyphens in front of syllables. Each genre of music has its own "appropriate" way to write lyrics down, of course, but if/when we hear it sung, we'll get it. Leave the hyphens in if you want, of course. It's your poem, and it's a good one too. I know in metal, something might be repeated many times but it's only written down once. Nothing is misspelled and the lyrics are a poem with a rhythm of their own. Words like "yeah" and "go" may or may not be included, but it generally just reads like a poem. In pop there are misspellings and horrible unnecessary apostrophes and all that, etc, and whatever ![]() You did a great job building up with the stanza about the effect of the "disaster" on the girl's family, but the last line fell flat. It was off-rhythm and off the rhyming pattern, plus it wasn't really a very poetic line. Now I'm not expecting every line to be super profound or anything - that would get boring :lol: I guess a rephrase is in order there, too. Man, is that a Brittany Spears reference? Again with the last line. Started out strong with freakshow and ended with the word "Stuff." No joke, every time my 9th grade English teacher saw things or stuff she'd scribble them out with the red pen. I leaned my lesson pretty quick XD. I only use it in dialogue now, if at all. Probably my favorite line in this poem was "So I cry." Simply beautiful but powerful in its own right. I think that's where this poem was going, and you really nailed it at that moment. The almost-ending was really good. Then the last two lines and a slant rhyme. I love slant rhymes, but remember you can make words sound like they rhyme by using rhythm and stress, even if they sound nothing alike. "kid" and "wind" were a stretch, and it kind of strained my..er, brain? I dunno :shrug:. It was actually pretty good up to "alone in the wind." The last lines of a poem are generally the most powerful, though there are a lot of exceptions to that rule. Find a different metaphor, or drop it. You didn't mention the wind metaphor at all before then, so it seemed out of place. Try going back to somewhere you explored in detail earlier in the poem. You shouldn't do this for every poem, but it's a good technique that I really like, and it seems like a good thing for this one. Well, till next time! |
|
Look carefully. There's something wrong with this picture. | |
View Profile |
|
| Deleted User | Friday, 31. December 2010, 03:21 Post #4 |
|
Deleted User
|
:3 thankz. o.o i cant cuss in my song xP so i just bleeped out the word. show of entertainment is exactly what it says. like kids watching a fight and laughing or gossiping about a girl crying in the bathroom or a couple having sex and getting preggooooo. people dont realize how serious this kind of thing is and how it hurts a person when you laugh at them.o.o whats the brittany spears reference? eh, it sounds different when i sing it 'cuz i style it oddly. ![]() might post the song when i get the nerve to put my odd voice on the internet ^___^ but again, thankz. btw the baby was born a couple weeks ago her name is Elayne :3
|
|
|
| Harket | Friday, 31. December 2010, 03:45 Post #5 |
![]()
asian
|
^Brittney reference. Really? Does your friend still attend school? |
| Birds don't like to fly, they have to fly. | |
View Profile |
|
| Deleted User | Friday, 31. December 2010, 05:08 Post #6 |
|
Deleted User
|
oh, no i didnt mean for that to be Brittany.aaaaand she's gunna try to come back when school starts on the 3rd but i doubt that'll happen xP |
|
|
| Jessie | Monday, 10. January 2011, 23:17 Post #7 |
![]()
Hippohypocamputhalamus
|
The cadence of this is a lot like a song lyric - was that deliberate? To me it sounds like there was a tune in your head when you were writing this, e.g. a lot of rhythm and conversation-level language going on. In any case I like it! |
![]() 2012 Poem of the Year - 2011 Best Poet | |
View Profile |
|
| Deleted User | Wednesday, 12. January 2011, 04:30 Post #8 |
|
Deleted User
|
yep this is a sonnnng <3 thnk uuu
|
|
|
| 1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous) | |
|
|
| « Previous Topic · Poems · Next Topic » |







Words like $#!+ appear censored to anyone who doesn't l33t, lol.
people dont realize how serious this kind of thing is and how it hurts a person when you laugh at them.
btw the baby was born a couple weeks ago her name is Elayne :3
oh, no i didnt mean for that to be Brittany.


2:30 PM Jul 11