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Champion
Topic Started: Wednesday, 29. December 2010, 06:38 (76 Views)
Whoopy4
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Love sick fool
There's no rhyming scheme here, just a rhythm in my head.


Champion

You're running fast
You're someone who
I'm trying to catch
So don't slow down
I will catch up

Just keep on going
I'm holding up
Don't look 'round
they're standing still

So take a breath
And fight on still
Today's another day
To prove your will

Show your light
And take me home
Tomorrow's gonna leave
So don't let go

'Cause you're the one
Who keeps me strong
I'm holding on
So don't give up

I need you now
You're the only one
Who can bring the good
When all is bad

So take a breath
And fight on still
Today's another day
To prove your will
Edited by Whoopy4, Wednesday, 29. December 2010, 06:48.
Thing a day - My blog about the trials and tribulations of writing a piece of literature every day for a year.

Days completed: 7

A more professional signature coming at a later date
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Warrior Poet
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If you lead me, I will go.
This whole four-line stanza thing is spreading like a disease. I don't know who started it, either, but it's in a lot of my poems (even ones like One Embrace). I'm trying specifically not to with some of them lol. But the poem is still good! Not an exotic beat or anything, but a good one. You mostly had two alternating beats and I would have liked some deviations from that, but it's pretty good!

You also had some slant rhymes, placed where they sounded good instead of mechanically. Did a good job with those!

I really liked this one. A lot. The whole running metaphor is another overused thing but you had a fresh take on it - that you'll catch up with her. It is a her, right? I can't be sure lol. Could be a friend too, or a brother, or something.

And prove your will. That's so good. Prove your honor, your will, etc. But just to yourself. You know you're strong after you do something hard, and I totally know that feeling. It's my favorite feeling in the world, or one of them. Best thing around when it's combined with being hopelessly in love.

I've gotta go to the library and all now, so I don't have time for my usual jaw-busting critique, butI really liked this. Write me more!
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Whoopy4
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Love sick fool
ya, originally I tried to go away from the four line thing, but my rhythm sounded awkward, so I went with this instead.

And as far as the ype of person it's directed at, it's mainly for directed at the people that hold our lives together or something to that effect, whether it be your love, a friend, family member or just someone you look up to. Hence the title.
Thing a day - My blog about the trials and tribulations of writing a piece of literature every day for a year.

Days completed: 7

A more professional signature coming at a later date
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Harket
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asian
Whoo whoopy I love you. <3

Aweomse job on this one, and despite what you said, there IS a rhythm and rhyme. Great work! :)
Birds don't like to fly, they have to fly.
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