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Topic Started: Thursday, 30. December 2010, 04:00 (119 Views)
James
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it's all cool
redacted
Edited by James, Sunday, 4. February 2018, 14:35.
To protect the world from devastation.
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mousely
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Lose.
Wowsh...That's amazing, dear. Where did this come from? I feel sadness now. Look what you did. No nevermind it's not your fault. Oh gosh I think I hear Erin playing GTA. Oh i'm getting spammy. No I love this one! IT's awesome! Yup.
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Warrior Poet
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If you lead me, I will go.
:wub: Beauitful. My favorite part is the beginning. I can just see you talking, stressing each word with such weigh. Although I don't actually know what you sound like. I imagined it sounded more like an adult type.

The next stanza was wonderful too, of course. And kudos for using stanzas that aren't 4 lines! The 6-12 is a good one, lets you elaborate more and then say something profound, or say something profound and tell a story about it. or something.

First "problem" is actually in the first stanza. People with assumptions. I know what you're getting at here, but all human beings have assumptions. Day to day life would be impossible without them! Come up with some other line that fills the same purpose. It was also off rhythmically. You don't have a set meter, but most of your lines had an odd number of syllables (stuff like that happens naturally). "peopel with assumptions" feels like it was just thrown in later, plus it leaves us hanging with that last syllable feeling like it's missing.

"the harshness is a reflection" - simply epic. Srs. That's a pretty good name for a metal song.

"longed for the love he never got"
"these stories are a longing"

Basically right on top of each other. Replace one of them, I guess. Just a little thing. lol

@vile vile - good again. At first I thought the guy was beating his girlfriend or something, but it doesn't say. Doesn't matter I guess, but it confused me. Probably problem with my brain, not yours. You could probably find something more creative than "a mound of putty." But then, when I think it over, a mound in the literal sense of it is a lot. That's like a small, man-made hill of putty. In which case it's a great analogy.

the distance between them
the distance in between them

Just read your poem aloud (turn up your music or do it when no one's around) and do some little things like that. It'll help the rhythm immensely and only take you like two minutes, I promise. Just see what sounds better.

I really like "they never fail to lie." Next stanza after that is also really good. I like the mirrors thing. I'm actually going to use mirrors as imagery later on in A Forlorn Throne in a very big/strange way. But I can't tell you much more than that without ruining it ;)

Somewhere, somehow, suicide could fit on one line. But it would be worse. Hehe. "Committing suicide" is pretty tired out, and it's fien but you could probably find something better for that too.

Well our eyes are open...but most people don't know where to look.

But then from the "teenaged sucicide is on the rise" stanza, it kinda went downhill. See, I've heard that figure so many times that tragically, it's become boring to me. IT means almost nothing. I mean, it's absolutely horrible that this is happening, but we hear it so much it barely registers. This is your challenge as a poet: To make the reader think, to make them feel. Overused stats won't work for that. Find a more creative or insightful way to bring this around and it'll be far more powerful. And this is a poem that needs to be powerful, because you have a very good message.

Also another nitpicky rhtyhm tip from the rhythm freak known as WP, if you're going to make one sentence be 2 lines, that's totally ok. But make sure that's where a natural pause or breath is (or reasonably could be), so it doensn't feel awkward when you're reading it or reciting it aloud. This is not an exact science by any means. I'm just going based on how it feels
Quote:
 
broken syringe, trying to
get the last of their
ninety dollar high into their veins.

This is a good example because there could conceivably be a breath between "to" and "get," and it would sound alright even if it's rare. But if you just breathed between "to" and "get," another breath between "their" and "ninety" will sound just plain weird. This seems like I'm being a horrible pain - and I just might be ;) But that's so I can get you to read your poem aloud and save me all this typing :P

"one of us has already been drinking" - that stanza is really powerful. Fix it up a little and you'll have yourself a winner. Definitely redeems you from "teen suicide is on the rise," thoug hthat still needs fixing.

But so you know, the title/last line is what made me decide to read it. That's probably the best line in there, and it's good for a strong statement like that to be at the end. You finished well!

And now I'm finished too :)
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James
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it's all cool
Thanks a ton, WP. That'll help a lot come revision time. :)

And about the teenaged suicide line- yeah, I know, right? But, I wrote this in the car earlier, and I need something, cos otherwise there's nothing there. Needed to fill in the gap there with something. I tried just plain leaving out from the 'maybe if we' stanza to the 'if he saw through' stanza, but it just sounded sort of empty. I'll see if I can't find something else to fill that whole and take out some of the blah-cliche-overuse-commonness of it. :)
To protect the world from devastation.
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Harket
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asian
Woah. Just- woah. That was pretty frickin good I tell you! I mean, it's a little offnand weirs sometimes when you started talking about the teenage thing,Ana when you said something about how the them becomes him and her... Those were a liiiiiiittle weird. But other then that -other then that-just... Woah. I'm not going to give this a long review, imnot going to say tons of useful stuff because A. WP already did :P B. I honestly think that you don't need it. You are THAT GOOD. This was THAT GOOD. I think that this us the favorite of all your works so far that I've read, I honestly do. It's jut -wow. Thanks, so, SO much for writing this. It was amazing.
Birds don't like to fly, they have to fly.
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James
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it's all cool
Thanks for the comment, hon. And for pointing out the weirdness at the them to just her and just him. :)
To protect the world from devastation.
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Harket
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asian
No problem. Oh, but if you revise it, please keep it as it is. As in, let it have the same meaning, cause the meaning KIND OF makes sense. :) also I forgot to tell you that the last line is boomz. It wraps everything up and ends perfectly. And it's hard to do that wit long poems. So - yea. Great work!
Birds don't like to fly, they have to fly.
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xXforeverforgottenXx
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wow. just wow this poem is really epic. i love it all
Ignorance is kind
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