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...err....; emo..
Topic Started: Monday, 3. January 2011, 06:36 (102 Views)
mousely
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Lose.
Silent tears fall
to an already soaked pillow.
As she cries again 'cause
she's lost all hope,
all strength and
when the fountain's gone dry,
she needs a way to get it out.
So she does it through the
blood.
'Cause that's the only
Relief she knows.
The only way she knows she's
Alive.
She feels herself fading,
fading away into the dark.
Feels that nobody cares,
Nobody wants her.
So the cuts go higher,
as she runs out of room.
Then down to her legs.
She tells her friends lies,
she fell,
her cat did it.
But one knows.
One sees through
Sees her for who she is.
And she cries again.
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Harket
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asian
Wow. I mean, really. That poem was fantastical. :) It really evoked emotion, and I love the person who knows. I think. You didn't really elaborate on that person, but im assuming the last cry is happy, so i love that person.

And i love you, too. :)

<3
Birds don't like to fly, they have to fly.
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Cow!
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Moojestic Queen Moomay the Resplendent and Hot
I liked everything except the contracted becauses.

Now I know it screws up the rhythm, but using the contraction screws up the mood. And given that this poem is ninety percent mood to begin with, you don't really want to fool with that.

Also, don't cut yourself. It doesn't solve anything.

Also also, I really liked the poem, gj. :)
Posted ImagePosted ImagePosted Image
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Warrior Poet
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If you lead me, I will go.
I think you've gotta come up with a better title than "err."

So horray for emotional poems - after all, if a poem doesn't make you think and it doesn't make you feel, what's it good for? Like mewmay said, this one's about 90% mood, so it didn't make me think much. I think that's something you should go for - people who are depressed tend to think a lot (I know firsthand). You know me, I like things that are fresh and new and thought-provoking. Being depressed is anything but fresh sometimes. It gets old, lol. Every day the same, maybe worse than the last, hurting all the time. I've written just as many about weariness and loneliness as I have about love. Since this is mostly mood, make the mood stronger for me. This isn't bad, but it could be a lot better too.

One thing you could work with would be that fountain metaphor. It's one I don't see very often, and it only appears in one line. Go back to it, because if you explore that you could find all sorts of feelings and motivations. A big thing with poems like this is readers will be thinking "it's just another emo girl, and this one's made-up." Even though it's a poem, and not a very long one, we still have to care about the character.

The rhythm's off, and mewmay said that too. I don't think I'm going to go in-depth with this one since I've gone over that so many times, lol. Maybe I oughta just write a guide about that and get it pinned or something.

I notice you've been using the punctuation in poems, and there's nothing wrong with that. Each line represents a new thought, and spoken, it represents a pause or possibly a new breath. From what I can tell, you're indicating the lengths of the pauses and where the thoughts end with different punctuation. You could just use line breaks there, and only use the commas if it has to be in the middle of a line. Save your punctuation for the really powerful parts. Also don't be afraid to separate into different stanzas, if the poem calls for it.

And "the cat did it" is win. I know it's not meant to be funny, really, but it brightened my day a little. A little gallows humor is great for poems about dark subjects like this and it's truly one of the best things about this poem, that little line.

Did a study in health class about the physical effects of cutting (besides the obvious ones like having cuts). Basically, don't do it :P

Till next time/next poem
Posted Image
Look carefully. There's something wrong with this picture.
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James
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it's all cool
The cat did it, eh? i've used that one before...

Good jobs. I can't really say much, but I agree on the contractions of because; it threw it off a lil bit.
Edited by James, Monday, 3. January 2011, 19:07.
To protect the world from devastation.
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mousely
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Lose.
mewmay
Monday, 3. January 2011, 13:55
Also, don't cut yourself. It doesn't solve anything.
I don't. :) I was just really really upset all day yesterday and yeah...

I'm not good with rythm. Or the separation of lines and stanzas. (That would be why there's one stanza)
The cat did it...Yeah i found that a little funny but I know someone who actually used that excuse once.

I didn't know what to call it. I couldn't think of a good title.
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Harket
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asian
Pudge-Pudge
Monday, 3. January 2011, 21:40
I don't. :)
<3

Also, something like "She cries" or "Alone", or basically anything that feels right. :)
Birds don't like to fly, they have to fly.
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