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Numb; The person feels nothing
Topic Started: Monday, 10. January 2011, 23:00 (66 Views)
xXforeverforgottenXx
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Im numb
dead inside
Nothing but
the sweet
sweet
taunts of death
Darkness engulfs me
my last thought
is goodbye
As i sink
into
the abyss.
Edited by xXforeverforgottenXx, Tuesday, 11. January 2011, 19:59.
Ignorance is kind
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Jessie
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Hippohypocamputhalamus
Genuine. Raw. I enjoyed it mainly because it was so short and to the point - you obviously aren't cutting any emotional corners, and I have a large appreciation for that. I might suggest perfecting your punctuation and combining some of the lines to make them longer. This poem is quite powerful, but some experimentation and polishing could easily make it even more so. All in all, good work! Make sure to post some more of this. =)

Your pal
Boxter9
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2012 Poem of the Year - 2011 Best Poet
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Warrior Poet
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If you lead me, I will go.
After all this time, Boxter, we still don't agree on much :P

I did like it, or at least the idea. There are basically two ways to excel in poetry (or anything else): Break new ground, where no one's gone before, or do what's established really, really well. You should try both, of course, but not necessarily within the same poem. Just so you don't try it and pull something :P I have that problem all the time, so know that I'm sarcastic because I love sarcasm and not because I'm ripping on your or anything.

There was nothing new about this, which is fine really, but there didn't seem to be any innovation either. I know the purpose of this poem wasn't supposed to be some profound philosophical thing, but make us feel how you do. This poem really is raw, which can be interesting in a roughcut-jewel type way. It was just venting, and believe me I've filled up quite a few notebooks with absolutely horrible poems - but hey, they made me feel better :)

This is the sort of poem that doesn't need any punctuation at all, actually. Kind of distracting. Also this isn't a poem that needs to be marked and metered like I do to some of mine, but just read it aloud (or aloud in your head or something). "Darkness engulfs me" sounds much more natural than "darkness/engulfs me." But kudos for using engulf, which is one of my favorite words ever.

Writing down cliches are good for venting, but they actually don't help us feel the way you do. We hear cliches so much that metaphors which were once meaningful are powerless. They don't affect us. Expanding a cliche can be used to great poetic effect, but this wasn't really long enough for that.

Basically it can be divided into 3 main cliches: numb/dead inside, death is sweet, falling into the abyss. All of these are powerful comparisons the first few times you hear them, but they've lost their effect through overuse. Try to think of a new comparison, or approach it a different way. Analyze the comparison and add to it in some way. I think a great example of this is mewmay's "Hearts of Gold with Iron Locks." Double cliche, and still something I can't match.

So you've got a common subject. Go about it in an uncommon way, and you have a winner. And remember, I'm being picky not because I want to ruin your day but because I love writing/love reading/love poetry/love helping others perfect the craft I love. I do care about your writing :)

Well, till next time.
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