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| The World as it Could Be | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Thursday, 13. January 2011, 04:36 (94 Views) | |
| JuJuBee | Thursday, 13. January 2011, 04:36 Post #1 |
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1 Star
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Scream at me softly Stab me lovingly Tell me I'm stupid Because you care Eat my heart With the same mouth you use To kiss me goodnight Strangle me to sleep Rip my hair out as I cry These other people, they love me, Mom I need you to hurt me more So I know what real hate feels like These other people, they're so kind to me Why don't they hate me like phony people should? This world should be full of disgust by now People eat each other alive When they're only in grade school These people, Mom What do they want from us that makes them so kind? See, when I insult them They smile and say they love me Since when does true love exist? I don't know what to do with this kindness I need you Mom To rip me apart So I know the world is still the same These people, Mom What's wrong with them? They don't scream at me softly They speak in soft, calm tones Are their voices broken? They don't stab me like you Did they lose their knives? They don't eat my heart out Are they somehow... Good?? I've never seen this before When did this happen? Didn't anyone teach these crazy people The only way to survive in a world of hate Is to hate everyone else More than they hate you And to hurt all of them Worse than they hurt you So, Mom I want you to hurt me Because it's all I know But these other people... Maybe they're right? Maybe we're the ones who are crazy Maybe we should be like them Mom... Can I have a hug? |
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| mousely | Thursday, 13. January 2011, 04:46 Post #2 |
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Lose.
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Hm. That was odd. I'm not very good at criticizing poems but I will tell you that I think this was really good. I'd like to see more of your writing.
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| JuJuBee | Thursday, 13. January 2011, 04:52 Post #3 |
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1 Star
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I'm gonna post a lot. I'm trying to decide which ones |
| "Behind every successful woman is a substantial amount of coffee." <--Good thing I love it! | |
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| James | Thursday, 13. January 2011, 05:27 Post #4 |
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it's all cool
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Instead of trying to decide which ones, post all of them... just not all at once. Maybe two at a time? It sometimes takes us a while to get around to everything. So, pick two or three, any two or three. And we will read them. And love them. And eat their souls. I liked this one a lot. It was relatable. Highly relatable. When I first came across the word 'Mom,' it sort of threw me off track a bit, but as I kept reading, I got used to it and it flowed nicely. Good work.
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| To protect the world from devastation. | |
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| Warrior Poet | Thursday, 13. January 2011, 16:14 Post #5 |
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If you lead me, I will go.
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I think she means which ones first, to make her first impression and all. But don't worry, I've read every single poem on this forum and I plan on keeping it that way, unless we get another random avalanche of new members. First thing I noticed, before I even read anything, was that there are no stanzas. That's ok, I guess, but it makes for an intimidating block of text, and makes it a lot easier to get lost too. Stanzas are cool. The first line was pretty great though, definitely got me interested. You got off with an interesting, original metaphor too, "eat my heart." I enjoyed that lol. It was hard to tell what was sarcastic and what wasn't, like the thing about "I need you to hate me more." other ideas, like grade school kids eating each other, were thankfully easier to pick out ![]()
It's a good question, and it has a good answer too. My favorite line so far. It was beast, and coldly logical, at least assuming the speaker's presuppositions are true. The ones she's expressing are pretty sad...I really, really appreciate that this is a poem about abuse that shows its effect on the mind rather than repeating again and again all the bruises and stuff I've already heard about. I think that's really cool, because you represented her so well. The last line was good, especially with the rhythm changing. Rhythm is more powerful and subtle than almost anyone gives it credit for, and whether you meant to or not, you used it really well here. The last thought had a different meter, and it was a different kind of thought from a different kind of mind. The rhythm from the rest of the poem was a little off, needed some work, and because I'm a rhythm freak I won't go into detail lol. I love the freedom you have with rhythm in free verse - it's not that you don't use it, but that you can vary it as your thoughts vary too. Anyway, well done
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| Jessie | Thursday, 13. January 2011, 16:24 Post #6 |
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Hippohypocamputhalamus
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^ Warrior Poet likes it. That usually means it's really good. Told you so. ![]() This was the first poem of yours I read, and it makes your intuitive style very apparent. As WP mentioned, the rhythm changes are effective whether you did that deliberately or not. It seems to me that you're not focused so much on being technically correct, than on simply doing what feels right. This is a very good sign, and a unique ability. Can't wait to read more. ![]() B9 |
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| JuJuBee | Thursday, 13. January 2011, 18:36 Post #7 |
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1 Star
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Boxter's right. I don't focus on the technically correct ways of writing - it comes naturally to me, and therefore is usually pure and raw. Thanks for the feedback WP. On what you said about no stanzas, in my opinion, a poem doesn't have to have stanzas to be a good--or even great--piece of writing. The rhythm change towards the end was intentional - like an inner realization of sorts. Thanks! |
| "Behind every successful woman is a substantial amount of coffee." <--Good thing I love it! | |
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| Warrior Poet | Thursday, 13. January 2011, 21:51 Post #8 |
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If you lead me, I will go.
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Oh no, it totally doesn't have to have stanzas. But I think it would be a good idea! Anyway, you're welcome of course. Write more poems. lol. |
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I'd like to see more of your writing.



2:30 PM Jul 11