Welcome Guest [Log In] [Register]
Welcome to Budding Writers!

If you're seeing this message, you are currently viewing the forum as a guest. You should register if you want to post. Unless you're a spam bot. Then you probably shouldn't.

Username:   Password:
Multiquote Multiquote
Add Reply
War; A poem about losing loved ones to political violence
Topic Started: Thursday, 13. January 2011, 05:34 (109 Views)
JuJuBee
1 Star
With her hand on her growing belly
The woman kisses him goodbye
He's off to fight the war
And there's nothing she can do
To keep him home, keep him safe
He wipes away a stray tear from her face
He knows she wants him to stay
But he's going anyway

10 months later, the woman recieves a letter
"I'm sorry," he says
"They need someone on the front lines," he says
"I should have listened to you.
And tell our boy how much I love him.
Tell him to stay home."

Standing over the casket, she whispers to the boy,
"Listen to me, young man.
You will stay home and stay safe
And never follow in your father's footsteps"

He grows, knowing his mother's hatred of violence, of war
When he's 19, he enlists
His mother screams and cries
She won't see him off

While he's away, she loses herself to insanity, to paranoia and fear

When the boy, now a man, comes home
He finds her
Hanging from the ceiling
A note on the table

"I willl not accept another letter
That tells of my young boy dying
Like his father before him."

He reads this
And he cries
"Behind every successful woman is a substantial amount of coffee." <--Good thing I love it!
Offline View Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
James
Member Avatar
it's all cool
The flow is a little off in some places. You'll catch the awkward places if you read it out loud. The story, though... Very nice. Well, not pleasant, but you understand what I'm getting at, right?

The last stanza, though... I can't make up my mind whether to love it or hate it. Oh well. That is life.

G'job. :DD
To protect the world from devastation.
Offline View Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
JuJuBee
1 Star
Good to hear. Some of my poems have an awkward feel on purpose (not this one, but ones I'll probably post soon). Thank you :)
"Behind every successful woman is a substantial amount of coffee." <--Good thing I love it!
Offline View Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Jessie
Member Avatar
Hippohypocamputhalamus
This a good story, albeit a depressing one. :) I agree with Paroso - read it out loud (don't worry you can do it quietly) and you'll catch the places where the language doesn't flow perfectly. It's a very easy problem to fix.

Interesting use of free-verse. Some of the lines rhyme on accident it seems like. First stanza: "stay" and "anyway". This gives the poem more flow and direction than if you stuck vehemently to not rhyming at all. I likes. :D Keep it up!
Posted Image
2012 Poem of the Year - 2011 Best Poet
Offline View Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Warrior Poet
Member Avatar
If you lead me, I will go.
Well, you get straight to the point! I like to draw out my beginnings, and both are fine. Anyway, now I'm going to read more than the first line!

The rest of that first stanza seemed to just get us into the story, an exposition. Which was kind of anticlimactic because you started with the hand on the belly. Tears, nothing she can do...I guess show me that, instead of telling it to me. There are also some very good telling poems, including the illiad, but then you have to tell it in a real interesting way too.

So how'd he know it was a boy? Anyway, more of that telling. Show me how she felt at the door, felt opening that letter.

But you redeemed the entire thing with "You will never follow in your father's footsteps." A relationship with our fathers, and becoming them in some way, is something that's a huge part of everyone's life, especially sons. Saying he can't follow is a pretty big deal! And as we see in the next stanza it has a profound effect on him.

I think you really could have done better with the one where he enlisted, though. Didn't provide much of a reason for him doing it, and again try and show some more. The next line was weak too. There are a lot of really cool ways you could say she went insane, other then just saying it.

But the ending wasn't at all what I expected. While you need to work a lot of detail into it, you deserve points for the ending! This would do well with a redraft because it's an amazing idea. Super awesome, in fact.
Posted Image
Look carefully. There's something wrong with this picture.
Offline View Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
JuJuBee
1 Star
I totally agree, WP. It definitely could have used more detail with those parts you mentioned - like when the mother goes insane, receives the the letter, etc. I'll have to see about re-writing this one :)

Seems to me the endings with a lot of my writing surprises you. A lot of my writing topics (including this one) are on popular topics, but different in results.

You (WP) mentioned "the illiad". I've never heard of it... I'll be looking that up tonight probably. You've peaked my tweaked :)
"Behind every successful woman is a substantial amount of coffee." <--Good thing I love it!
Offline View Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Warrior Poet
Member Avatar
If you lead me, I will go.
You've never heard of the Iliad? How...

Anyway, I like surprising endings too
Posted Image
Look carefully. There's something wrong with this picture.
Offline View Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
JuJuBee
1 Star
Woah. Just realized it said "peaked my tweaked" instead of "tweaked my interest" like I wanted... xP
"Behind every successful woman is a substantial amount of coffee." <--Good thing I love it!
Offline View Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Warrior Poet
Member Avatar
If you lead me, I will go.
I think you've just invented a new BW meme in your first week of membership.

Peaked my tweaked! Love it.
Posted Image
Look carefully. There's something wrong with this picture.
Offline View Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
hephzibah
1 Star
aww.. sad. :( (although who am i to say that. ha.) good poem. like.
‎"Perhaps you have to have a little bit of hope to believe that beauty can be found, to believe that life does come back, that something can surprise you. And maybe they're somehow related. Maybe wonder feeds hope and hope feeds wonder. You see something beautiful and it reminds you that it's possible to see something beautiful."
Offline View Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Harket
Member Avatar
asian
Aww. :( Aww. :( AWW. :(

That aside, It wasnt really a descriptive poem, but you know what? That's what made it special. And i liked LOVED the last line. Basically, it wrapped it up. I've read "And he cries" poems before, but this is one i really enjoyed. Great job. :)
Birds don't like to fly, they have to fly.
Offline View Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous)
« Previous Topic · Poems · Next Topic »
Add Reply

Theme from Zathyus Networks and edited by Phovos