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| War; A poem about losing loved ones to political violence | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Thursday, 13. January 2011, 05:34 (109 Views) | |
| JuJuBee | Thursday, 13. January 2011, 05:34 Post #1 |
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1 Star
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With her hand on her growing belly The woman kisses him goodbye He's off to fight the war And there's nothing she can do To keep him home, keep him safe He wipes away a stray tear from her face He knows she wants him to stay But he's going anyway 10 months later, the woman recieves a letter "I'm sorry," he says "They need someone on the front lines," he says "I should have listened to you. And tell our boy how much I love him. Tell him to stay home." Standing over the casket, she whispers to the boy, "Listen to me, young man. You will stay home and stay safe And never follow in your father's footsteps" He grows, knowing his mother's hatred of violence, of war When he's 19, he enlists His mother screams and cries She won't see him off While he's away, she loses herself to insanity, to paranoia and fear When the boy, now a man, comes home He finds her Hanging from the ceiling A note on the table "I willl not accept another letter That tells of my young boy dying Like his father before him." He reads this And he cries |
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| James | Thursday, 13. January 2011, 05:42 Post #2 |
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it's all cool
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The flow is a little off in some places. You'll catch the awkward places if you read it out loud. The story, though... Very nice. Well, not pleasant, but you understand what I'm getting at, right? The last stanza, though... I can't make up my mind whether to love it or hate it. Oh well. That is life. G'job. :DD |
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| JuJuBee | Thursday, 13. January 2011, 05:45 Post #3 |
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1 Star
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Good to hear. Some of my poems have an awkward feel on purpose (not this one, but ones I'll probably post soon). Thank you
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| "Behind every successful woman is a substantial amount of coffee." <--Good thing I love it! | |
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| Jessie | Thursday, 13. January 2011, 16:13 Post #4 |
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Hippohypocamputhalamus
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This a good story, albeit a depressing one. I agree with Paroso - read it out loud (don't worry you can do it quietly) and you'll catch the places where the language doesn't flow perfectly. It's a very easy problem to fix.Interesting use of free-verse. Some of the lines rhyme on accident it seems like. First stanza: "stay" and "anyway". This gives the poem more flow and direction than if you stuck vehemently to not rhyming at all. I likes. Keep it up!
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| Warrior Poet | Thursday, 13. January 2011, 21:50 Post #5 |
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If you lead me, I will go.
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Well, you get straight to the point! I like to draw out my beginnings, and both are fine. Anyway, now I'm going to read more than the first line! The rest of that first stanza seemed to just get us into the story, an exposition. Which was kind of anticlimactic because you started with the hand on the belly. Tears, nothing she can do...I guess show me that, instead of telling it to me. There are also some very good telling poems, including the illiad, but then you have to tell it in a real interesting way too. So how'd he know it was a boy? Anyway, more of that telling. Show me how she felt at the door, felt opening that letter. But you redeemed the entire thing with "You will never follow in your father's footsteps." A relationship with our fathers, and becoming them in some way, is something that's a huge part of everyone's life, especially sons. Saying he can't follow is a pretty big deal! And as we see in the next stanza it has a profound effect on him. I think you really could have done better with the one where he enlisted, though. Didn't provide much of a reason for him doing it, and again try and show some more. The next line was weak too. There are a lot of really cool ways you could say she went insane, other then just saying it. But the ending wasn't at all what I expected. While you need to work a lot of detail into it, you deserve points for the ending! This would do well with a redraft because it's an amazing idea. Super awesome, in fact. |
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| JuJuBee | Sunday, 16. January 2011, 07:42 Post #6 |
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1 Star
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I totally agree, WP. It definitely could have used more detail with those parts you mentioned - like when the mother goes insane, receives the the letter, etc. I'll have to see about re-writing this one Seems to me the endings with a lot of my writing surprises you. A lot of my writing topics (including this one) are on popular topics, but different in results. You (WP) mentioned "the illiad". I've never heard of it... I'll be looking that up tonight probably. You've peaked my tweaked
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| "Behind every successful woman is a substantial amount of coffee." <--Good thing I love it! | |
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| Warrior Poet | Sunday, 16. January 2011, 08:05 Post #7 |
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If you lead me, I will go.
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You've never heard of the Iliad? How... Anyway, I like surprising endings too |
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| JuJuBee | Sunday, 16. January 2011, 14:34 Post #8 |
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Woah. Just realized it said "peaked my tweaked" instead of "tweaked my interest" like I wanted... xP |
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| Warrior Poet | Monday, 17. January 2011, 02:44 Post #9 |
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If you lead me, I will go.
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I think you've just invented a new BW meme in your first week of membership. Peaked my tweaked! Love it. |
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| hephzibah | Thursday, 20. January 2011, 03:40 Post #10 |
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1 Star
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aww.. sad. (although who am i to say that. ha.) good poem. like.
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| Harket | Saturday, 5. February 2011, 06:56 Post #11 |
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asian
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Aww. Aww. AWW. ![]() That aside, It wasnt really a descriptive poem, but you know what? That's what made it special. And i
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Keep it up!

(although who am i to say that. ha.) good poem. like.

2:29 PM Jul 11