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Nondisjunction
Topic Started: Saturday, 15. January 2011, 04:23 (188 Views)
Warrior Poet
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If you lead me, I will go.
Nondisjunction
-----
Everyone look away

Deceiving pretense can't fulfill

Oh, this is something you won't see
A simple refusal of what's real

Insecurity is a joke

Oh, this is something you will not hear
That there is only one future for you

Fear is no illusion, but we already know what will happen

You'll keep the promise no matter what we decide
We are not predestined, though there is knowledge beyond time

This choice is still yours

Recovery begins now
And it is time for us to be redeemed

Unfit to crawl, we are lifted on the wings we pray for
Shapeless in horror to the ones afraid to fly

The sky holds the answers to our plight

Determined to hide, worlds gone to be alarmed
Though it is apparent from what has been made

The only way, to look away
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JuJuBee
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Intense... I like it :)

First, the lines "Oh, this is something you won't see; A simple refusal of what's real" Are great - except the second line there seems a bit off. Maybe change "what's" to "what is". To me, that'd make it flow better.

"Unfit to crawl, we are lifted on the wings we pray for" seems a bit long to me. I think it's great in intensity and wording, but doesn't flow with the beat of the rest of the poem.

Other than those to things, I think you're got yourself a work of art here :) I'm assuming it's got a Christian basis, and I love that. The wording, the meaning, and the simple TRUTH behind the whole thing - fabulous!

--JuJu
"Behind every successful woman is a substantial amount of coffee." <--Good thing I love it!
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Warrior Poet
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If you lead me, I will go.
I think I'd rather get rid of "simple." I broke my own rule and didn't read it aloud :P

Probably get rid of "the" in the unfit to crawl line. But I don't see how I can do much else without giving a three line stanza.

And thank you :) I do write a lot of poems about my faith, and this is one of them, I love it too, lol. When you write something, your worldview is going to come out whether you mention it or not. For example you can look at the fantasy story mewmay posted vs. anodyne sea, which is one I posted. They're both pretty long reads, full length novels, so don't feel obligated or anything like that.

Yeah, truth is something that's important to me, and I do my best to make she the messages I put in my writing true. Otherwise why write it?

THX
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JuJuBee
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I agree completely. There's a certain appeal to truth, and we all have it - whether we live by truth or not.

Writing things this elegant about your faith puts me in awe. I started writing long before I became a Christian and still have troubles writing about things that aren't desolate somehow.

I hadn't thought about how, when you write, your world-view really does come out, whether you want it to or not. I read through some of my old poetry and am reminded of what a twisted sense of reality I used to have... And then I read my more recent pieces and I think (I KNOW) I've come a long ways.

Seems to me like you could make a living off of your writing. Good job :)
"Behind every successful woman is a substantial amount of coffee." <--Good thing I love it!
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Warrior Poet
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If you lead me, I will go.
I sure hope I can make a living off my writing, because honestly that's the only job that would allow me to continue reading everything, playing console RPGs long into the night, playing guitar at volume 9, and keeping downright irregular hours while still being a respected professional. That or metal musician...well, hopefully I can do both.

Also, thank you. Elegance isn't really anything more than thinking and making connections. look at mewmay's connections in beer bear, which are elegant to the point of insanity. I typed define:elegant into my googlebar and got about a thousand different definitions, but basically elegance equal to those connections which can be expanded on and have that element of beauty.

Some of it's luck and inspiration, and some of it's sweat. I totally know how that is, looking back on old stuff, laughing at how much I sucked. I'm sure in ten years I'll look back at a lot of what I've written today and laugh at that too. I think the thing that makes it hard to write well about Christianity is all the cliche. There are a lot of really cool verses and metaphors in Christian lit but a lot of them have been overused and we have trouble thinking of anything else. Revamp an old one or think of something new...

Although, "this cliche is not true" is a cliche in itself. It's tough. Anyway thanks for the feedback :)
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