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| Tweet Topic Started: Sunday, 16. January 2011, 13:33 (78 Views) | |
| Harket | Sunday, 16. January 2011, 13:33 Post #1 |
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asian
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There’s a brightest star up in the sky Grab it, reach it, find it, hold on tight That’s the brightest star up in the sky Hold on tight, it’ll bring you for a ride. There’s a brightest star up in the sky Grab it, reach it, find it, hold on tight That’s the brightest star up in the sky Hold on tight, it’ll bring you for a ride. Zoom on past the universe Zoom on past the seas Zoom on past the planets Past the blue and greens. Zoom on past the whole wide world Zoom on past the Earth Zoom on past the milky way, Zoom to your dreams, Zoom to your dreams. There’s a brightest star up in the sky Grab it, reach it, find it, hold on tight That’s the brightest star up in the sky Hold on tight, it’ll bring you for a ride. Yes, it has almost no content. Yes, it means alot to me. No, crit will not hurt me in any way. Pudge, if you're reading this, yes, thats the one. Hope you remember it and <3
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| Literacy Maniac | Sunday, 16. January 2011, 13:45 Post #2 |
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2 Stars
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It's nice. Simple, and fun. (And I just read the other version. You do realise you can edit your posts?) |
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| Harket | Sunday, 16. January 2011, 13:52 Post #3 |
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asian
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Thanks. And i didnt even know that was there O.o |
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| Warrior Poet | Monday, 17. January 2011, 02:43 Post #4 |
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If you lead me, I will go.
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Yeh, have mew get rid of that other one. I liked it, I did. All four-line stanzas, though. Five four-line stanzas, actually. Exactly the same as One Embrace (speaking of that....) In One Embrace, each line had its very own rhythm though, which is something I worked hard on. Since there wasn't much rhythmic variation maybe you could try experimenting with the stanza lengths or line lengths? When did you write this? Jw. "It'll take you for a ride" just seemed off to me, majorly off. And I can't figure out why! That's actually bothering me a bit It would have thrown me off less if Batman had made an appearance. I guess it was just too straightforward with all the symbolism you were building up?The use of the word "zoom" made me smile, but it was effective. maybe use a variation of that word a few times, but it was good. I don't get why you went from zooming past the entire universe (is that possible?), and then to seas, then the planets, then blue and green, and then Earth again. Blue and green was epic...but haven't you already gone past the earth in the first stanza? It also would have been cool if you zoomed past the universe first and ended at the seas, but whatever. And you repeated the first stanza 2 more times. It wasn't bad or really repetitive, which is amazing since it's 3/5ths of the poem. But why? |
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| Harket | Wednesday, 2. February 2011, 09:32 Post #5 |
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asian
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The ride. Erm... thats the only way i can describe it. You see, your life, your path, its all a RIDE. You, in fact, ARE in the passengers seat - the person in the drivers seat is who you want it to be. Ahh, but you see, the world makes you sense. Your mind makes no sense. Your thoughts, your life, doesnt start out perfectly orientated, and you always go back into circles. For me, anyway. ![]() It is the main and most important thing. Im glad it wasnt TOO... you know. It was basically what the whole thing came from and was about, and thats the one thing ill be looking out for my whole life.
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Pudge, if you're reading this, yes, thats the one.
Hope you remember it and <3


2:29 PM Jul 11