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| Tweet Topic Started: Wednesday, 19. January 2011, 04:46 (74 Views) | |
| hephzibah | Wednesday, 19. January 2011, 04:46 Post #1 |
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1 Star
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i haven't been in here for like forever.... Tell Me into bliss we fall together. won't you stay with me tonight? help me remember hope. love. serenity. 'cause all the stars above me sing your name. you told me that you'd always be there for me. but is that really true? slow down and feel me here tonight. tell me the meaning of love. tell me the reason for your heart. tell me the purpose of life. tell me. why you can't see the pain in my eyes. the hurt. the heartache. the scars. love means nothing if you do not understand who i am. make it something. and tell me why. you break my heart. and leave. just as fast. do promises mean nothing anymore? nothing. just as the ocean waves leave the sandy beaches. if you have to go, just go. forget about me. i don't think i'll ever understand. who you're supposed to be. 'cause i guess whatever we had. is just one of those memories. |
| "Perhaps you have to have a little bit of hope to believe that beauty can be found, to believe that life does come back, that something can surprise you. And maybe they're somehow related. Maybe wonder feeds hope and hope feeds wonder. You see something beautiful and it reminds you that it's possible to see something beautiful." | |
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| James | Wednesday, 19. January 2011, 15:48 Post #2 |
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it's all cool
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o.o I'm sad now. That's like... saddish. Good job. At first, the punctuation and the choppiness sort of confused me, but once I got into it and reread it, it was nice. I'm not very good at critiquing poetry... I pretty much am unhelpful in things like this, but that's a pretty powerful piece you have there. Good jobzz
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| Warrior Poet | Wednesday, 19. January 2011, 16:12 Post #3 |
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If you lead me, I will go.
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In my defense, I read this while listening to a song called Mirror the Reflection by a band called Bloodline Severed. So this is going to be slightly skewed. Hmm, it just switched to Once Empty. W'ever ![]() This thing is a mix of dreary cliche and moments of brilliance, and it was pretty strange to read. That's alright, though. The first 3 lines were pretty unimpressive, but the 4th one got me into it. The stars don't actually call anyone's name, of course, but when you look at the stars you think of things you might never know otherwise. I just wish there was better stargazing by my house, because if there was I'd be a happier person. Of course you'll always think his name for a while, but sharing it with the stars is something else. And then the next 2 lines are generic again. You probably could have gone further with the star metaphor, hope you're filling his dreams as he looks down from the stars. or something corny like that. Also, stanzas? Slow down is good, but we have no reason so far to think anything's going fast. You're sitting in silence and looking at the stars, right? Needing someone to tell you all these things is a basic human longing and I'm glad that you included them. Again, you could do it in a more powerful way to intensify the longing. "Scars in my eyes" would be a pretty amazing if you got rid of the two lines before it...even better if you rhyme it with "stars in my eyes" later. Just an idea, which I fully expect you to not use. Trust and promises and breaking hearts is something I went through not too long ago, so I feel for that. It wasn't an especially powerful way to say that, but I still have the feelings, so depending on what a person's been through they'll feel different parts of the poem. Still it's a pretty big deal to make us feel what you feel by making connections. Bitterness is something that's hard to do, especially for me, because I don't really have much of it. Try to infuse your bitterness with sarcasm, because that's what people who are bitter pretty much always do in my experience. I think you'd really like An Ocean Between Us by As I Lay Dying. It's kind of a similar song in that the speaker starts out on a beach or a pier or something, but also different and good in its own merit. I'm not sure if you like metal right now, but I know you'll really appreciate the lyrics. They're poetry. http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/a/as_i_lay_dying/an_ocean_between_us.html Who you're supposed to be. Usually I hear "who I'm supposed to be." I like that. You'll heal, you will, and hopefully you can be glad of what you had. It takes a long time, I know. I have a lot of poems from that period of anger and bitterness and rejection and all I had, and some of them are on here. I get you
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| hephzibah | Thursday, 20. January 2011, 03:35 Post #4 |
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1 Star
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hey thanks guys. i had really bad writers block so i prolly coulda written something better, but hey.
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| "Perhaps you have to have a little bit of hope to believe that beauty can be found, to believe that life does come back, that something can surprise you. And maybe they're somehow related. Maybe wonder feeds hope and hope feeds wonder. You see something beautiful and it reminds you that it's possible to see something beautiful." | |
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| Harket | Saturday, 5. February 2011, 07:11 Post #5 |
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asian
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I liked rhythm. And the language was sad. A good sad. A touching sad. I'm just really bad at poetry crit, but, honestly? That was quite beautiful. And i read it after i read WP's piece, so - double impact!
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That's like... saddish. Good job. At first, the punctuation and the choppiness sort of confused me, but once I got into it and reread it, it was nice. I'm not very good at critiquing poetry... I pretty much am unhelpful in things like this, but that's a pretty powerful piece you have there.
Good jobzz

2:25 PM Jul 11