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| What I Would Do | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Monday, 24. January 2011, 21:31 (99 Views) | |
| Jessie | Monday, 24. January 2011, 21:31 Post #1 |
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Hippohypocamputhalamus
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I would turn the sky inside out, And throw the stars like so many droplets of water out into the nothingness, And with the light from your eyes I would paint the words "I love you" Just so you would know. I would break all of my own fingers If my own pain would glue your heart back together. And I would do anything, love. Anything. I would do anything to hold your hand for five minutes. I would do anything to look you straight in the eye, Just to feel my thoughts reflect off of your mind and vibrate in the space between us Like so many violin strings, A little tune that tells me how everything will be okay in the end. Because right now everything isn't. |
![]() 2012 Poem of the Year - 2011 Best Poet | |
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| mousely | Tuesday, 25. January 2011, 15:43 Post #2 |
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Lose.
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That's a really sweet poem. I don't think the end sounds quite right though. But that's just me. I can't put my finger on it but something seems off in the last line. But I really like it.
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| James | Tuesday, 25. January 2011, 15:46 Post #3 |
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it's all cool
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Well that's depressing. In a deep sort of way. I like it. Unlike Pudge, I didn't find anything wrong with the end. It made sense, and I read it fine, and it sounded okay in my head. Good job
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| mousely | Tuesday, 25. January 2011, 15:48 Post #4 |
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Lose.
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Owait, not the end. The BEGINNING! How exactly do you turn the sky inside out? Edited by mousely, Tuesday, 25. January 2011, 15:48.
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| Warrior Poet | Tuesday, 25. January 2011, 15:53 Post #5 |
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If you lead me, I will go.
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I agree on the being sweet. First line got me interested for sure! "I would turn the sky inside out" is definitely something to get someone's attention, girl or not. Where's the nothingness? I don't get that. They're already in the vacuum of space. Space can be really scary imagery because if you're lost there you're totally hopeless. I won't spoil it for you, but the single scariest and most hopeless moment of the game happened in orbit. And then you redeemed it with the third line. Srs good. I'm not sure how you're supposed to paint with light though. You sure did good job saying "Your eyes are brighter than all the stars" without saying it. Next stanza made me laugh in that sadistic way. I'm not a sadist *shrug* I used to call my old girlfriend "love." She said it was cute. I dunno. You're right about the last part being weird, too. If it wasn't in the same post, I would've thought it was a totally different poem. "I would do anything" is just really lame after you made all those amazing connections in the beginning. I do understand all the different ways it can feel looking into someone's eyes. The Darkest Nights by As I Lay Dying has a really cool passage with something like this but better, mostly because they had months and months to work on it and they're awesome. More awesome than me by a long shot I actually used that part in a cover poem in my novel Anodyne Sea, which I think you would like since you're all philosophical and stuff. This was the part I used:
Beautiful huh? The riffs were alright too. Anyway you could totally rework the ending, use some more of that imagery. But nice job |
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| Jessie | Wednesday, 26. January 2011, 02:34 Post #6 |
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Hippohypocamputhalamus
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I agree, "anything" is very much an underrated word these days. People fail to realize exactly the scope of what it means or what it is. I could have spent some more time to spell out some more of the crazy stuff I would do just for one little moment, but I wanted to go to bed when I was writing this. x) @WP and "love": I use it because it feels wrong to use "dear" or "honey". It's what my parents call each other T.T And I'm not much of a "babe" person. Oh and that IS a gorgeous piece of poetry. @Pudgie and Bruno Mars: Well I have been listening to more of his stuff than usual lately so yeah. Except he's sort of a jerk in real life and I'm not. But hey whatevs @Par: Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it
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| mousely | Wednesday, 26. January 2011, 03:01 Post #7 |
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Lose.
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Ahh, I thought you had been. It's just so..you know. It seems like something he would sing. HURRY HURRY COPYRIGHT IT SO HE CAN'T STEAL IT!!! xDD |
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| Harket | Wednesday, 2. February 2011, 07:56 Post #8 |
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asian
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OH I HAVENT COMMENTED ON THIS. The last line kind of threw me off. ![]() BUT THE REST WAS JUST - JUST - AMAZING! I'm not kidding. It was great. Really, REALLY, great.
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I actually used that part in a cover poem in my novel Anodyne Sea, which I think you would like since you're all philosophical and stuff. This was the part I used:

2:29 PM Jul 11