Welcome Guest [Log In] [Register]
Welcome to Budding Writers!

If you're seeing this message, you are currently viewing the forum as a guest. You should register if you want to post. Unless you're a spam bot. Then you probably shouldn't.

Username:   Password:
Multiquote Multiquote
Add Reply
Pudgie's Most Recent. :)
Topic Started: Thursday, 27. January 2011, 03:30 (108 Views)
mousely
Member Avatar
Lose.
I wrote these today at school. The first I was forced to write in English class and the second was because I got bored in history class and was feeling emo because I had to hear Mr. Sanders' voice drone on and on and on and on...

I DON'T UNDERSTAND...
I don't understand
why unready people have to die
why wars are waged or
why life is unfair.

But most of all
why humans act the way we do
why children are abandoned so often
why the sky has to be blue and the grass green or
why we have to learn Algebra.

But what I understand most is
why we fight for what's right
why we love and care
why some people have to be different and
why discoveries are made each and every day.


BROKEN PROMISE; NO ONE NOTICE
Another broken promise so
Her heart breaks too
She tries to hide the hurt
Hide the tears, tries
To make sure no one hears
But her life is falling apart
Tearing at the seams
The crying becomes habit and
Turns to black and white makeup
But even with the look
No one notices
Not even with the scabs and scratches,
Bumps and bruises
And she never finds that
There are people who care
People that will be there
For her.


--Feel free to comment and criticize. :)

With love,
Pudgie. :)
Edited by mousely, Thursday, 27. January 2011, 03:42.
Offline View Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Warrior Poet
Member Avatar
If you lead me, I will go.
It's not his fault. His name is Mr. Sanders - no one named Sanders can be any fun :P

Forced, huh? I like it when English makes me write about topics I'd never write about otherwise, even if it's stupid. I guess it makes me work harder and push out quality on a piece I don't care about. Skills like that are really useful on offdays.
Quote:
 
why we fight for what's fight
You mean right?
The why thing would have gotten really repetitive if it had been a longer poem, but it wasn't, so izzok. The whole thing was your average English-induced poem, but I really liked the last line. That's kind of what I've been exploring lately - the nature of logic, how it's possible to know anything at all. I think you'll find my conclusions interesting...but maybe not surprising. English is indeed a double-edged sword. When my teacher says "Go write a sonnet," I go "alright a challenge!" and everyone else groans. But when she says "Write a poem using this imagery," that kills it. It doesn't matter how I write the words if she made the connection. I can tell this happened in I Don't Understand. Typical English curriculum.

I'm never going to claim to have the answers to all of life's questions, but it just happens that I do know, beyond a reasonable doubt, the answers to the ones you just asked. We can chat about that sometime. ;)
Posted Image
Look carefully. There's something wrong with this picture.
Offline View Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
mousely
Member Avatar
Lose.
Lol. That is true...

Gahh! Yes I meant right. -edits-

So the I Don't Understand poem kind of leads back to philosophy in a way? I enjoy philosophy. :) That's why the Algebra thing is in there. The other day my teacher said students who ask why usually struggle more and asking why is just my thing. I CANNOT understand it without a why. :)

Hmm...Well, I know the answer to the sky and grass one, but I don't get WHY. Like, why does that HAVE to be blue and that HAVE to be green? Why is it wrong if you say it's purple? Who gets to decide these things? We will have to chat about this. :)

Nothing on my emo poem?? :(
Offline View Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Warrior Poet
Member Avatar
If you lead me, I will go.
I'll do that later. My nerd friend is wating for me on a tron server :P
Posted Image
Look carefully. There's something wrong with this picture.
Offline View Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
mousely
Member Avatar
Lose.
I'm still waiting for you criticism. xDD I rely on you to criticize things and you haven't!! sigh.
Offline View Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Warrior Poet
Member Avatar
If you lead me, I will go.
Lol. Chill, I've got other stuff to do too :P

So the first 3 lines were pretty generic, like I've read them in some other poem before. Try and look at it another way, and be something new. There are 2 ways to be awesome: To be new, and to do what's established really well. Ideally you should do both, but you didn't really do either in this one. It wasn't bad, just not really good. Not being mean here at all. The emotions in this poem are very common but everyone's life is different - try and expand on it beyond cliche.
Quote:
 
Hide the tears, tries
To make sure no one hears
I do appreciate what you did with tears/hears here. It's a common rhyme but I like how you didn't do them both at the end. You should also look into front rhyme, where the first words rhyme instead of the last.

The rest of it was kind of the same as the first 3 lines, mostly generic. The black makeup is something i see on girls who are generally happy and some more "proper" looking ones can be really depressed too, but the stereotype is true to some degree. Unfortunately if you ask someone if something's wrong because of makeup they'll say no whether it's true or not.

The end was a little better, because it shows our part in her life. That no one notices is probably untrue, but that no one acts is a travesty. This is how it is in every suicide, in my experience, and that we truly need to love. This is by far the strongest point of your poem and you should focus on it, subtle but strong just like life can be. That is something I haven't seen before, at least not on BW. Keep drawing from that well, or something like that.
Posted Image
Look carefully. There's something wrong with this picture.
Offline View Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous)
« Previous Topic · Poems · Next Topic »
Add Reply

Theme from Zathyus Networks and edited by Phovos