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Topic Started: Monday, 31. January 2011, 19:16 (70 Views)
JuJuBee
1 Star
Be


words flow onto paper
rhythm beating within

nothing and everything
all at the same time

write the lines of emotions
feeling the wonder
of things that can't be
spoken aloud

in there an ending?
was there even a start?

our eyes
are they truly a window?
ours souls
are they truly our core?

since when is anyone
really just with us?
since when have we ever
really just been?
"Behind every successful woman is a substantial amount of coffee." <--Good thing I love it!
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Warrior Poet
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If you lead me, I will go.
I'm going to review this once my homework is done. But I love it :)
Homework's still not done, but gosh, I need a break. First line is something I never really got. Words could be said to flow, I guess, but onto paper? I think the metaphor just stops making sense at that point :P

Everything and nothing cliche, kk

Again with the lines - a lot of us use that metaphor, including me. But other than when I used it in Mount Improbable, I very rarely actually understand it. Unless you meant lines of text...which you did. I need to get more sleep.

I think poems are meant to be spoken aloud, you know, but you're afraid. Something I totally get.

Was there a beginning, was there an ending? Those are two of the most important questions ever. But I'm not sure what you're talking about - the beginning and ending of what? It seems you're asking about the universe, because you ask about souls next. In that case, we know beyond any reasonable scientific doubt there was a beginning. The end will come too but we're not sure when.

since when/been. Nice rhyme! It was the only real rhyme in the piece but I think it was placed pretty well. None of us are self-existent, if you're asking. I'm not entirely sure what you mean with the last lines. The question of whether or not we exist is a long one. I'm aware that Hinduism and Buddhism teach that the universe is an illusion (which is actually a logical fallacy because they're saying something about the nature of a universe that does not exist and therefore has no nature). Anyway, it's an interesting perspective to look at. What follows if we don't exist? If we do?

The poem itself was freeverse, which is fine. Try verse someday, just to challenge yourself :) Rhythm was basic but good, and it got the point across well. Try a bigger challenge next time, but this is good :)
Edited by Warrior Poet, Tuesday, 1. February 2011, 15:52.
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Harket
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asian
That was lovely. <3 Maybe a lil cliched, but hey, i like cliche. :)

And i appreciate it in this one, cause it didnt make it cheesy, it made it touching. This is good. :)
Birds don't like to fly, they have to fly.
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JuJuBee
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@WP: the question of whether or not there was an ending or a start isn't about the universe. In explanation, most of my poems are raw emotion - that's why I write. Not just some free-time hobby, or to earn a living or pass my English class. I started writing as expression, which grew into an outlet. Short stories, poems, and "excerpts" as I call them (memories). They're all outlets. So what I'm trying to get at is that with any piece of my writing, there's probably a question--hidden in the undertone of the piece or not--that isn't truly going to be a piece you can explain away. My writing has a lot of deeper questions, most of which aren't specific enough to say "Are we talking about the world or a relationship?"

As for challenging myself, I agree that's probably something I should do - when I'm writing for fun and not as outlet, in which case, the latter is more common.

I love getting feedback from you :) You put things I write into a perspective I've never gotten before because most of the people that read my "stuff" are biased because they're friends or family. In short, your feedback is refreshing :)

@Sweetdang: thanks :) Your responses are so simple and to the point it makes me laugh xD

Anyways. PM me if you have questions about what I said in this response, WP :)
"Behind every successful woman is a substantial amount of coffee." <--Good thing I love it!
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Warrior Poet
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If you lead me, I will go.
Hey, I'm biased too. Don't I count as a friend? :p
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JuJuBee
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Hahaha. If you wanna be, sure :) I can always use more friends. Gotta say, though, my mom's been getting on me recently about "all these people you mention that I don't know!" ...you being me and I being her. Cause it's a quote. Riiiiight. xD
"Behind every successful woman is a substantial amount of coffee." <--Good thing I love it!
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