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| Third Time's the Charm | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Tuesday, 1. February 2011, 17:43 (105 Views) | |
| Jessie | Tuesday, 1. February 2011, 17:43 Post #1 |
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Hippohypocamputhalamus
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Third Time's the Charm I've never been one To believe in much luck And much less superstition But today bells were struck Bright alarms in my head Calling up from the dead Some old friends Some old thoughts Some old things I once said. Pulling out of the dirt Pushing out of the grave In the part of my mind Where emotions are saved In the closets of thought But I'm only self-taught How to deal How to cope When the battle is fought. If my heart is a pinwheel You must be the wind And I'll fly round and round At your tiniest whim I'll fly into your arms It can't do any harm Couldn't hurt Couldn't kill Well, the third time's the charm. |
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| JuJuBee | Tuesday, 1. February 2011, 18:05 Post #2 |
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1 Star
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Hmm... Right off the bat I really like it First stanza, when you say "And much less superstition" I think it could have flowed better with "Much less, superstition" but that's just me. "Pulling out of the dirt Pushing out of the grave In the part of my mind Where emotions are saved" <--These lines caught me. Really. I think this made the whole poem for me, right there. definitely my favorite part ![]() The last stanza was a GREAT wrap-up. I think you did a phenomenal job overall. Yes, there were a couple points where it could have been less wordy, one I mentioned. In any case, good job
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| mousely | Tuesday, 1. February 2011, 18:10 Post #3 |
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Lose.
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...if only the rep weren't gone... I LOVE IT!! It's awesome. Really. I really like the "If my heart is a pinwheel You must be the wind" You did an awesome job.
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| Jessie | Tuesday, 1. February 2011, 18:57 Post #4 |
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Hippohypocamputhalamus
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Thanks guys @Juju it's wordy in some places because I didn't want to use any commas. I played around with adding punctuation and decided it interrupted the more subtle progressions I built in. For example, the 3rd, 4th, and 5th lines of the last two stanzas can be divided into either the 3rd and 4th ("And I'll fly round and round/At your tiniest whim") or the 4th and 5th ("At your tiniest whim/I'll fly into your arms"). This sort of verbal overlay provides the rhythmic drive for much of the poem. Also, if I were to use your suggestion, it would throw the first stanza slightly out of sync with the last two. The first half of all the stanzas flow without any pauses as a result of my lack of punctuation. But I know you can't read my mind 100% so all things considered it was a good idea ![]() @Pudgers I must say I AM particularly fond of that line. It uses an age-old pattern ("If I am this, you must be this") but I haven't seen anybody use pinwheels yet so I claimed it
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| mousely | Tuesday, 1. February 2011, 19:19 Post #5 |
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Lose.
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It's awesome. Just pretend I gave you rep, k?
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| Warrior Poet | Tuesday, 1. February 2011, 23:14 Post #6 |
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If you lead me, I will go.
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Dude, you went from scooping dirt out of a grave to a plastic pinwheel. That's just an insane progression I like this, but that part of it kind of threw me off. Pinwheel his a good comparison of course. It was just a moment where I wasn't quite sure if it was two separate poems or not.With the rhythmic drive, I'm glad you pay attention to stuff like that. Most people really don't because they think it doesn't matter, but it makes a difference, even if they don't realize it. Rep is dead. Let it be, let it be. Yes, it was fun. But now it's dead :O I know that's just your generic love poem line, but since I used that in my non-generic fantasy love poem, I always think of that when I hear it. See, I used it literally in my poem. The speaker could actually fly. Lol. I get the "i'm only self-taught" thing. been dealing with that too. third love must be pretty hard, huh? |
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| Jessie | Wednesday, 2. February 2011, 01:39 Post #7 |
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Hippohypocamputhalamus
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Yeah that was pretty abrupt. But a lot less abrupt than the first draft, I promise you. Thanks for the thoughtful review as always
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| Harket | Saturday, 5. February 2011, 07:45 Post #8 |
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asian
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IS IT JUST ME, OR IS THIS A RAPPY SORT OF PIECE. ![]() THIS - = FAV. This line just about made my day. The whole thing was just... pretty, and fun, and insane, and true, and boing. I love it. I know that this isnt gonna be able to show how much i love it, cause words cant express it. Well, lets just say, i loved it so much, i memorized it. And i have never, and i mean NEVER. Memorised a single other poem in my life. Yeah.
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| James | Saturday, 5. February 2011, 19:30 Post #9 |
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it's all cool
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+1 OWAAAAAAIT. ![]() Pinwheels. ![]() Good job. |
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It's awesome. Really. I really like the
It uses an age-old pattern ("If I am this, you must be this") but I haven't seen anybody use pinwheels yet so I claimed it
But a lot less abrupt than the first draft, I promise you. Thanks for the thoughtful review as always 
2:25 PM Jul 11