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| Secrets Unwritten; Title holds no relevance. | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Saturday, 5. February 2011, 07:38 (105 Views) | |
| Harket | Saturday, 5. February 2011, 07:38 Post #1 |
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asian
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This is... weird. Secrets Unwritten I am empty; I am hungry; I am craving FILL ME. I am covered; I am sealed; I am unchanged CHANGE ME. I am hardened; I am rock; I am solid CRUSH ME. I am steady; I am strong; I am rooted SHAKE ME. I am blinded; I am hidden; I am veiled UNVEIL ME. I am frenzied; I am wild; I am feverish BIND ME. I am away; I am missing; I am shut OPEN ME. I am lone; I am gone; I am wandering PLACE ME. I am small, I am lost, I am terrified- Save me. Edited by Harket, Wednesday, 9. February 2011, 10:45.
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| Warrior Poet | Wednesday, 9. February 2011, 03:20 Post #2 |
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If you lead me, I will go.
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You should probably think of a title that holds relevance ![]() That was a nice little chunk of parallelism. If you want a good example of that technique, look at the psalms and proverbs. The ancient Hebrews were masters of parallelism and used it as a major staple in their poetry. You used that classic technique fairly well. I'd try not to do the text size gimmick, because it stretched my (massively HD) screen and I couldn't read the whole line at once XD. I do appreciate what you did at the end though with the last stanza. This poem didn't really move me, but I enjoyed reading it and that's good. The last stanza also had the only weird rhythm - inserting that and actually threw off the beat of an otherwise errorless poem. If you want an and that bad, you can put it in the third line. I am small I am lost And I am terrified Save me Notice the syllable count in each of those lines goes into 6, which seems to be the number you used for the whole poem. But "and I am terrified" has 7. I didn't count the syllables until I noticed this, though. No one really does. Just make sure it "works," subconsciously. And tumbsup. |
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| Sfabulous | Wednesday, 9. February 2011, 09:33 Post #3 |
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Sleepy Kat
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Nice piece you have there. A fair number of clichés, but the overall effect was pretty impressive, instead of turning out tacky like it could have. The increasing font size I thought was awkward, but the small text in the last stanza was really good, so I guess you're justified in that. Also I really like "place me" for some reason or other ![]() Your title is cool but irrelevant, and I'm not sure how to interpret the content, but it was well executed and I haven't read anything like that for a while +1
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| Harket | Wednesday, 9. February 2011, 10:59 Post #4 |
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asian
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@WP:Well, i guess, in a way, Secrets Unwriten DOES hold a certain amount or relevance. Meh. Yayy. ![]() Ohkay. Better now? ![]() Well, the and made sense in my head. I guess it does serve the purpose of throwing someone off, and slowing it down. But if it doesnt make sense.... edited. ![]() Thanks. I'm quite sure there's a... somewhere... let me just find it... gottit. for an awesome review. ;D@Sfabby: Yayy for non-tackyness. And also, the font - better battar? Yayy so everyone likes small text effect. ;D Place me was the weirdest of the weird. But that kind of came from a personal experience thing, (actually, the whole poem did just not at all in this manner, lol) so... ![]() RELEVANT TO A CERTAIN EXTENT. Thank you. A whole lot. <3^That's a LOT of emoticons. |
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| Sfabulous | Wednesday, 9. February 2011, 11:17 Post #5 |
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Sleepy Kat
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I only said it was irrelevant because you told me so in the description care to explain?
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| Harket | Wednesday, 9. February 2011, 12:53 Post #6 |
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asian
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Welllllllll it started out as irrelevant, because, honestly, what title can you derive from this It is kind of an unwritten secret. There is definitely more to this. There always is... more, always is a weakness behind every strong front. If there are so many fronts, there will be more. The save me was the smallest, like an invisible plea for help. So... secrets unwritten? ![]() (also i lost the thing you emailed me. )
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| Sfabulous | Wednesday, 9. February 2011, 13:58 Post #7 |
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Sleepy Kat
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oic. How existential! What thing?
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| Harket | Thursday, 10. February 2011, 13:30 Post #8 |
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asian
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(nevermind i found it in the downloads history teehee. )
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+1




I'm quite sure there's a... somewhere... let me just find it... gottit.
for an awesome review. ;D
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2:25 PM Jul 11