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| Mask.; my stage preformance for theater arts. | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Thursday, 10. February 2011, 00:24 (96 Views) | |
| Deleted User | Thursday, 10. February 2011, 00:24 Post #1 |
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Singing: Do you see me? Do you see me as i am? Do you see my eyeliner run? From crying my eyes out again? I have to smile. Keep my face on. Look like i'm happy. But inside i'm torn. Year after year. my feelings get hard. Crack the shell open and release them to Hell!!! Oh! I'm just wearing a mask of deception. Can't you see that i'm dying away. Oh, Lord, please help me to see the light. 'Cause right now it is far away.. Should i die.... Or stay alive???.... Spoken Part: *ahem* To be...or not to be. That is the question... Whether tis...oh forget this. Should i die or not die? Or should i face my fears? Do i cower in agony? Or sleep away til it's clear. Is sleeping like dying? Or is it different, so? Do i waste my time crying? When i don't even know. what lies behind the gate. the gate where Heaven is. To be or not to be. Shakespeare's words in drear. Singing: I have to smile. Keep my face on. Look like i'm happy. But inside i'm torn. Year after year. my feelings get hard. Crack the shell open and release them to Hell!!! Oh! I'm just wearing a mask of deception. Can't you see that i'm dying away. Oh, Lord, please help me to see the light. 'Cause right now it is far away.. Should i die.... Or stay alive???.... |
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| Warrior Poet | Thursday, 10. February 2011, 03:58 Post #2 |
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If you lead me, I will go.
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So did you write this, or did you pick it up and perform it? This could be a lot more moving and interesting if we knew who the speaker was and what their problem is - that is, why is their life in danger? A fair elf engaged in mortal combat? An old man lying in his hospital bed, spending his last days watching the TV on the wall while no one will visit him? Images like that are moving, because they turn an unnamed speaker into a real person and give force to the words - after all, what do they mean if no one has spoken them? You did mention eyeliner running, so we know it's (hopefully) a female, but that's the only bit of characterization we've gotten. Also Shakespeare was one messed up dude and should not be looked to for guidance, except for writing quality poetry and how to craft some really good insults. The rhythm got a little off in the Shakespeare part too, which should be an easy fix. If this is meant to be a poem to praise God, you should probably take out the part about feelings going to hell - not because we shouldn't mention hell, far from it. Jesus talked about hell more than anything else except for the Kingdom of God. Hell is very real, and it's what He saved us from. But our feelings certainly don't leave our body and somehow go to hell - actually, that sentence didn't really make any sense at all, heh. As always - write more! |
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| Harket | Friday, 11. February 2011, 12:21 Post #3 |
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Wow hey, thats not bad. Its only a little queer in the part she goes about her eyeliner. I guess with the stuff you were building up, it kind of was a lil too straight forward. Other then that, the hell bits were queer, and so was the ending, but the rest wasnt bad. I like the dilemma.
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| Birds don't like to fly, they have to fly. | |
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| Deleted User | Friday, 11. February 2011, 21:18 Post #4 |
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._. ah what i was saying was that the person speaking is a girl. and she's thinking of her suicide because no one understands her and expects her to be happy all the time, so she acts happy but inside she's angry and depressed. She wants to go to heaven but knows if she kills herself the bible says she'll go to Hell. she's comparing her situation to Hamlet's, though her situation is less major than his. |
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| Warrior Poet | Friday, 11. February 2011, 23:12 Post #5 |
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If you lead me, I will go.
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There's always the option of being saved. You know, the option of having the relationship we're created for. |
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| Deleted User | Saturday, 12. February 2011, 02:32 Post #6 |
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eh i'm confuzzled. x.x and i don't really go to church so...uh...yeah. |
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| I.Am.Unknown | Tuesday, 15. February 2011, 04:18 Post #7 |
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Amazing. I understand what you are trying to get at is that your hiding behind makeup and holding back everything because your afraid. Your question whats going to happen in the future and you want the future but you're scared of where it will take you. This would be an amazing song. Overall great job. |
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| Deleted User | Tuesday, 15. February 2011, 04:34 Post #8 |
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:O OMFG!!! YES! exactly what i'm saying, thankz person that's unknown to me! :3 thankz alot! <3 |
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| I.Am.Unknown | Tuesday, 15. February 2011, 04:36 Post #9 |
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haha welcome
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Its only a little queer in the part she goes about her eyeliner. I guess with the stuff you were building up, it kind of was a lil too straight forward. Other then that, the hell bits were queer, and so was the ending, but the rest wasnt bad. I like the dilemma.

2:25 PM Jul 11