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What's the Point?; random, kind of.
Topic Started: Saturday, 12. February 2011, 04:42 (92 Views)
mousely
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Lose.
It's not that well written, but it was written in memory of Meghan, a friend who died yesterday.

What's the Point?

What’s the point of acting,
Pretending,
Telling lies to cover it up?
Everyday the hiding becomes easier,
The crying comes harder,
The pretending is necessary.
Goodbye is the worst part of life.

If there’s so much pain then
What’s the point of living,
Breathing,
Saying you’re fine when you’re not?
The bad things enter my mind,
Unable to escape it,
I have to run,
I have to hide,
I’ve got to get away from this life.

What’s the point of trying,
Prying,
To hear the news you can’t bear?
This is not right.
Why is life so short?
Blue skies become cloudy,
Clouds turn gray,
Say goodbye to a good day.
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Cow!
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Moojestic Queen Moomay the Resplendent and Hot
I don't think anybody feels qualified to judge this pome :P izzalright, bovine to the rescue!


...fml I can't really find anything to rage at you for. Nitpick time!

Punctuation and line breaks serve the same purpose (creating a pause). You don't really need end-of-line punctuation, and it tends to screw up the flow of the piece. I've read over it several times, and I still can't decide whether it works here, but I'm leaning towards no just on principle. Try reading it aloud without the punctuation; unless you find yourself doing double-pauses naturally, I'd take out the commas.


That's the only thing I don't like, really. You had a good hook; your word choice was nice and simple for such an emotional pome; I totally empathize with the narrator and her questions; the ending was pretty. It gave me something to think about, and that's way more important than technical stuff. Props. :)
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mousely
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Lose.
Oh, thanks Cow!. :) The punctuation...idk It just makes me feel safe. :P I like punctuation.
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Cow!
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Moojestic Queen Moomay the Resplendent and Hot
And that's fine, it could be something we'll just have to disagree on. It just makes me sad if I can't find ANYTHING to rage about :)
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