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| Tweet Topic Started: Monday, 14. February 2011, 14:57 (86 Views) | |
| Harket | Monday, 14. February 2011, 14:57 Post #1 |
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Her tears freeze to icicles, Hindrances to be broken away As she sits in front Of the old, worn church Her mind is in disarray. What is she doing, A grown up woman, Sitting on these dirty church steps? Relishing the past, Hope for the future? Hope, She laughs bitterly What did hope, where did hope Ever bring her? She's still worn, She's still gone, Where's her promise of a new day? She still hates, She still waits, Where's her happily ever after? Every good thing come to an end, Pray tell, When did her's start to begin with? And in her mind's eye, The world fades to grey, Grey people Grey faces Grey paths All the same. The ending of her world - It ended today. Or mayhap yesterday She doesn't know - Doesn't care. When did the colour of her world Start to fade? When did the vibrant of her life Start to shade? When did they go- Why leave her behind? To sit and suffer In a sea, of self shame. When did the days Start to blend into one? When did her case Start to fasten close? It's closing tighter With every breath, She's encased In a coffin Of her making. She doesn't feel the need to fight She doesn't see the point. So slowly, slowly, Day by day, She fades, Again, She fades. (Everything under here is kind of extra, an extension of sorts. Yes, leave it as a whole poem or no?) The ground Is dirt beneath her feet. But dead, Cold And hard It holds no life. And as the minutes, The moments, Pass on by, She's not aware - Not even there. Time come to pass, Time gone to waste. Minutes tick away, Hours pass to days. And slowly, So slowly, Day by day, She fades, Again, She fades. |
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| Warrior Poet | Monday, 14. February 2011, 15:38 Post #2 |
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If you lead me, I will go.
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Well, despite the questionable title I clicked on it! Wasn't disappointed. I see you're making an effort to improve your writing, which shows you're self-motivated (or at least have been bothered a lot by other people). And you can see the effort, just reading this and the other poem you've posted. There's a lot more to learn and to practice, for both of us. I'm further along than you, and older, but you can get this far if you just keep going the direction you're going now. Kk, acutal poem now. This'll be my third read-though. First 3 lines were pretty blah. Since it's cold enough for her tears to freeze, mention that again? Cold is a powerful kind of imagery. I'm actually thinking of doing an EP based on cold with my band...but whatever. Church is dirty? In winter? Hmm. I wouldn't really use the italics when the speaker is thinking, unless there's a really specific reason for it. It should be pretty obvious anyway if it's a literal thought. Mayhap is probably the part that bothered me the most - if you're going to use period language, use more than one word of it. Thees and thous and mayhaps are fine and even beautiful, but don't just do something like throw in one "o'er" and leave the rest in modern English. It's mostly a consistency thing. So tell us all about that coffin. What's it like. Big, small? How'd she make it, and what's it made out of? It's a common symbol but there's a lot you can do with it. The extra part at the end? If it's part of the poem, keep it. It had the two best stanzas - the one about time, and she's not aware/not even there. That was a pretty nice rhyme, really catchy for some reason. kkbye
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2:25 PM Jul 11