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Untitled; Title suggestions?
Topic Started: Tuesday, 15. February 2011, 04:08 (76 Views)
I.Am.Unknown
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You've got me looking
Through broken mirrors
Breathing in insanity
And speaking soft spoken words.

Cause I know
You don't want me to cling
To what I know
Fearing it'll bring out the things that aren't always what they seem.

I am suffocating under
Unwritten lies
But I'll put on my mask
In order to finish my task.

Pull yourself up
Because your not the only one
Choking from the stench and the fumes
arising from the tombs.

Jump inside my mind
And watch the colors slide
Into bethought patterns
And let you sight become blind.

Go ahead and fall
Fall hard
Choose to let the fire die
Or leave a shard behind.

And keep your eyes
Closed and walk blind
Cause thats the only way
You'll ever truly see through the broken mirror.
Edited by I.Am.Unknown, Tuesday, 15. February 2011, 04:52.
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James
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it's all cool
This is nice. Reading through, my only problem was the broken phrases. They don't flow together entirely smoothly. Try reading it out loud, taking pauses where the line breaks and such. It helps a lot. :)

Good job, and welcome to BW.
To protect the world from devastation.
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Cow!
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Moojestic Queen Moomay the Resplendent and Hot
Oh hey I didn't see this one.

Pome was good, though the rhyme scheme or lack thereof was kind of confusing. Like, first there wasn't one, and then there was one, and then there was a different one, and then it was gone again... if you're going to have different schemes, you have to be deliberate about it. Make sure I know it was intentional.

I didn't really have a problem with the rhythm, actually. I envisioned it as a song, where the music changed to fit the extra-long line in the second stanza, and that was cool.

Quote:
 
Jump inside my mind / And watch the colors slide / Into bethought patterns / And let you sight become blind
-I really love the rhythm on this one, with mind and slide and sight and blind. It just flows perfectly.

Overall it was an excellent pome, and I am looking forward to reading more from you :)
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