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| Tweet Topic Started: Tuesday, 15. February 2011, 04:08 (76 Views) | |
| I.Am.Unknown | Tuesday, 15. February 2011, 04:08 Post #1 |
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You've got me looking Through broken mirrors Breathing in insanity And speaking soft spoken words. Cause I know You don't want me to cling To what I know Fearing it'll bring out the things that aren't always what they seem. I am suffocating under Unwritten lies But I'll put on my mask In order to finish my task. Pull yourself up Because your not the only one Choking from the stench and the fumes arising from the tombs. Jump inside my mind And watch the colors slide Into bethought patterns And let you sight become blind. Go ahead and fall Fall hard Choose to let the fire die Or leave a shard behind. And keep your eyes Closed and walk blind Cause thats the only way You'll ever truly see through the broken mirror. Edited by I.Am.Unknown, Tuesday, 15. February 2011, 04:52.
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| James | Tuesday, 15. February 2011, 04:40 Post #2 |
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it's all cool
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This is nice. Reading through, my only problem was the broken phrases. They don't flow together entirely smoothly. Try reading it out loud, taking pauses where the line breaks and such. It helps a lot. ![]() Good job, and welcome to BW. |
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| Cow! | Thursday, 17. February 2011, 02:54 Post #3 |
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Moojestic Queen Moomay the Resplendent and Hot
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Oh hey I didn't see this one. Pome was good, though the rhyme scheme or lack thereof was kind of confusing. Like, first there wasn't one, and then there was one, and then there was a different one, and then it was gone again... if you're going to have different schemes, you have to be deliberate about it. Make sure I know it was intentional. I didn't really have a problem with the rhythm, actually. I envisioned it as a song, where the music changed to fit the extra-long line in the second stanza, and that was cool. -I really love the rhythm on this one, with mind and slide and sight and blind. It just flows perfectly. Overall it was an excellent pome, and I am looking forward to reading more from you
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2:25 PM Jul 11