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Competition Entry; DUE MAY, MUST RECEIVE LOTS OF CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM!
Topic Started: Friday, 25. February 2011, 09:09 (213 Views)
Literacy Maniac
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2 Stars
You lift your head. Your vision is blurry from when you slammed into the ground. You haul yourself up to sitting. It feels important not to stay down. That would be giving in. You can hear their footstep growing distant beyond the closed door. They’ve taken the handcuffs off and you rub your wrists, feeling the red rawness through your shock.

The room is large. Larger than a cricket pitch, with a high dark ceiling. A single naked bulb struggles to push back the gloom. There’s only one door. You heard them lock it on the way out. You see a wooden ladder built into a wall, leading up to a narrow wooden walkway. The light comes through its slats, making bars against the wall. That’s when you notice him.

His hands are chained above his head and he swings forward on them. His feet are chained together too. The cold grey metal looks odd against his boyish pyjamas; purple satin with a turtle print. He’s too old for them, you think. Seventeen perhaps. Your age. He’s grinning at you. So what? Some sort of lunatic?

“You’re a very good actor,” he says. His voice is high and eager.

“I should be,” you snap, “I am one of Them.”

His grin only widens, though with his brawn - obvious even through his pyjamas - you expect him to shy away.

“You are one of the Highbrow Cult? Sweet. I’ve wanted to meet one since I joined the Spartan Cult, though they forbid it. This is a Spartan prison.”

You raise your eyebrows. No Spartan should ever be thrown into a Spartan prison. You may know barely anything of the Spartan Cult, and even you know that. All of the Highbrow Cult knows that.

“So why are you here? You are a Spartan,” you ask.

He pouts. “I told my ‘friend’ Elric about how I wanted to see a Highbrow Cultist. Turned out though that he’s too close with the Spartan Alpha to care about me; he refuses to break rules and he refused to let me break rules. He told the Alpha, the Beta, and the Gamma and they had the Deltas come in and arrest me. Normally no Omega - which is what I am - is thrown into prison. But wishing to see a Highbrow Cultist is traitorous within the Spartan Cult; and rank does not matter when you are accused of being a traitor, for traitorousness is the worst of crimes within the Cult,” he explains.

How similar it sounds to the inner workings of the Highbrow Cult, you notice… and shudder. It is insane to think that the two Cults could have any similarities.

“But the Gift!” you protest. “Surely your Élan Vital would have helped you escape!”

He smiles ruefully. “These chains are special,” he responds. “They completely disable my use of the Gift.”

You gasp. The Gift - magic of the most extraordinary kind, far more mighty than any in fantasy stories - is limitless, the most powerful and dangerous thing on earth. To think that it can be completely disabled is shocking to you. You will have to report this should you ever get out of here. It will help in the War of the Cults.

“I could help…” you offer.

He shakes his head. “It isn’t possible. These are powerful enough, despite their worn appearance, to render anyone and everyone in a hundred mile radius absolutely useless. Everybody has the Élan Vital, right? Well, should the whole world cram into the hundred mile radius of these chains, the Gift would be rendered completely null by these chains.”

You shiver, and bury your face in your hands. All hope of escaping is lost with this revelation.

It is his turn to raise his eyebrows. “You are a Highbrow,” he begins slowly. “You are a strategist. You can make the best of any situation. Why the long face?”

You blush. “I’ve been reliant on my Gift for too long,” you admit.

He smiles. “I can help,” he offers.

“Please do.”

“Go up the wooden ladder. I can’t guarantee you what’s up there, but if you’re going to get out, it’s the only option you have. And use your brain,” he tells you.

“Aren’t you coming?” you demand.

“I can’t. The Epsilons are the only ones who can break the chains. You’ll have to go by yourself. Perhaps if I’m lucky, if I can deny any desire and lie… because all telepathy will be shut down when the Zetas come to put me on trial, so they’ll have to believe me. Then I will be free. But if I’m lucky, maybe we’ll meet up again in the future. Because when I’m out, I really will play the traitor. I swear,” he says. You can’t help but smile at his defiance.

Slowly, you get up. You hobble across the floor and reach up to shake his hand. He says, “Goodbye… and good luck. You’re gonna need it.” You nod, brace yourself, and stumble along to the ladder. You grab the first rung.

“Thank you,” you say to your new friend, who grins back and gives a nod of encouragement.

Well, here you go. It’s do or die now.
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Warrior Poet
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If you lead me, I will go.
First of all, I'd like to know exactly what kind of competition this is. What are the requirements?

We have a lot of people into mythology on BW - I only am because of Anodyne Sea - anyway, we'll mostly get all the obscure references. Probably the contest's host will too, since they're even having a contest - but how do you know?

The main problem with this is that you give us the impression that you've created an interesting and detailed world, and we only get to see one room of it. It's ok not to dump info on us all at once, but since we only get this chunk of it, we have no idea what's going on or why we should care. Unless it has some kind of special siginificance later, you shouldn't use the Greek alphabet for ranks/classes/races/whatever. Remember, your world is original. Use original or less-used words. Most of the languages of Atavism are going to be a blend of Finnish, Hebrew, and whatever else I make up.

And this Gift - the most important thing about gifts is, who gives them? It's huge. And if it's so powerful, how could mere enchanted chains ever hold it? Unless they were made by someone with a Gift far more powerful?

Secondly, why is this written in second person? This is not me. If this is me, you have to show me my own thoughts and feelings. A story told directly to me, and about me, is going to focus on...me. Probably none of the frillier poetic techniques should be used here, since it's all girtty and dirty.

So not just more detail, but more important details. You have to create a camaraderie with your readers. A good place for detail is when you just wake up, before you talk to anyone or do anything. As your narrator, you're telling them something person-to-person, and we need to know the narrator as much as I need to know about my new self. In other words, second person is tough and I wouldn't use it unless there's a specific literary reason.

This needs a lot of work if it's going to be a contest winner, but the world building looks promising. That's your strongest point by far - so show us this world! If this gift is so powerful, it needs to be a part of that world. I want to see hidden mountains and the valleys of the seas laid bare (And you can't phrase it like that, i'm using it :P). Survey dark vistas of the new reality or something like that. That's where second person could potentially be powerful.

So work, work hard. You've come a long way in the past year, though, and I know you can do it. A big project like this can push you to double your skill like Anodyne Sea did for me. You're asking for harsh crit now, which I think is pretty impressive. Almost no one does. Best of luck!
PS - I just realized that I don't know my own gender. I naturally assumed I was male, of course, but why would I be blushing to this other guys then...?
Edited by Warrior Poet, Friday, 25. February 2011, 15:40.
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Literacy Maniac
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2 Stars
Writing comp. The requirement is 1000 words at most and it must include one of the three story starters presented. Quite simple, really.

It was written in second person because the story starter is in second person. I have to keep the person.

Well, you might get that. I see enough potential for a novel. I might build on it in the future...

I want harsh criticism. If I'm going to enter a competition and win I need to improve, and harsh criticism is the way to go.

Might not necessarily be male. Could be female. I never say. But boys do blush. I'm sure some do it in front of other boys.
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