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Fires; a tentative title
Topic Started: Saturday, 11. June 2011, 08:37 (212 Views)
Jallice
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oh god elves
I'm probably going to regret posting this before I finish writing it, but I promised a story and here's the first draft of the first chapter. It's not highly original content, sadly, but I already love it.
Story (c) me.


He had that look on his face. It's one of those obvious looks you see on the faces of kids in malls, or the younger siblings dragged to group activities. "My mother made me come," it complained, "and I want to leave." He slouched in the corner and she cast a glance at him every so often; he just stared stubbornly at his hands. He was obviously wishing for some kind of game to occupy them, but had been forced to leave it at home for the sake of socializing. That's always what happened, she nodded to herself. She pitied him, now. It was her duty as a teen in her "rebellious years" to sympathise with other frustrated teens. That was the rule.

She turned sixteen three months ago. Her more distant relatives sent cutesy gifts for her sweet sixteen: "Dear Jane, darling! My, my, how old you've gotten! Looking forward to driving? Here's a purse to hold all the stuff you'll be keeping as a young woman! Happy Birthday, dear. Love, this aunt, or that uncle, and that papa." Jane would make a dramatic face like she'd swallowed a particularly nasty fly and gag like it, too. That was another rule. Secretly, though, she enjoyed all the purses and pockets and hats. They weren't really her style and she wouldn't wear them regularly, but they were nice, and her relatives at least got her name right most of the time.

Her mother was much better, though. Jane had forced her into watching all of her science fiction shows and told her every detail of the latest fantasy book, so she had plenty of hints. Her room was filled with all sorts of strange stuffed creatures and plastic toys that lit up, and Jane loved every one of them. The word "geek" was designed for her, but Jane just accepted the title with a smile and returned to daydreaming. She knew what they didn't; there were planets and creatures nobody could see unless they knew, and Jane knew. In every dark corner there's a rat with a gleaming red eye. On every cloud, an angel peeks down to make sure everything's going alright, then he leans over to his sky pirate brother or sister to share the gossip.

When people doubted her, Jane would admit she knew they didn't exist. Deep down she knew the laws of gravity still held firm and "angel" wasn't a known creature, but she would always tell them they made the world better. They didn't need to exist to do that. You just had to know they were there.

"Jane!"

She sat up with a start. The boy in the corner was looking up at last, a smirk on his face. Jane's mother was whispering in her ear, not like it mattered because the group was awkwardly aware of the exchange.

"How many times have I told you? Stop staying up so late. You fall asleep in these nice groups I take you to. Don't tell me you found another space ship show..."

"I'm fine, mum," Jane suppressed a yawn, "Really. I've been having a little trouble sleeping, that's all."

It took her a while to remember what the group was about this time. Usually it was a youth group, but she thought this one might have been poetry; she wasn't sure. Whatever it was, she was only vaguely interested in it. The thinking she did was of either practical things or the next world that could be explored. Otherwise, she preferred to be outside hiking or swimming. She avoided climbing trees, though.

Her mother always complained about her lack of friends, but Jane would always explain that she had friends, just not a lot of them, and not very often, and she liked it that way. Her mother would try for a few more minutes, sigh dramatically, and give up for the day. It was largely a loving interchange. They only fought when Jane was already irritated and happened to snap, but that wasn't often. They were lucky enough to share a peaceful personality and some of the same interests. Sometimes her mother would poke fun at one of her new television interests, but she would be won over in a couple of episodes and start interrogating Jane for answers to hundreds of questions. Jane would answer them with her best speculations and they would have one more thing in common. They would go for long silent walks as well, which Jane treasured more than anything. If she wasn't her mother, she would be her best friend, Jane thought.

She never knew her father and her mother never mentioned him. Sometimes the story intrigued her, but she always got a bad feeling when she thought about the possibilities. It was one story she preferred unexplored. She caught herself thinking about it again and immediately jerked out of it. Her mother was hovering above her; Jane had passed out again. She really had to find a way to stop the nightmares. She glanced in the corner, but the boy was gone. So was everyone else at the table. The group was already over and Jane had managed to miss everything but the opening interchanges. She sighed at the empty table and then stumbled groggily out to the car. She didn't really want to go back home, because she never slept as well there as she did in public places. Oh well.

The bush in front of the car rustled and something scampered off into the patch of trees beyond it. Jane froze and then smiled. One rat free to do its mysterious duty. She clambered into the car and dozed on the way home. *** 1 ***
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Koontay
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Previous Admin of Win
Jane sounds like a very interesting character. You've done a great job establishing what kind of person she is, what she likes, dislikes, and her general personality. I'm interested in where the story is going from here, please continue!
... wut
-My Stories-
Pureheart
Silence
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Dissonant
GOD
This would make a good intro, it shows a lot about "Jane". There isn't much of a plot established yet though.
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Yuki Kashiwagi
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AKB48
Nice story you have there, first building up what the character is like, but yet at the end leaving enough hook to make readers come back to wonder what this Jane's going to do.

Saying "when's the next chapter" is stereotypical but yes it's what I'm saying.
寝ても覚めてもゆきりんワールド、夢中にさせちゃうぞ♪ ゆきりんこと柏木由紀です。よろしくお願いします。
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Phovos
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Medicating Raptor
(OMG HAI KOONTAY)

Anyway, first off,

Quote:
 
...but Jane would always explain that she had friends, just not a lot of them, and not very often, and she liked it that way.


That is so much like me. It's almost scary.


Anyway, we have a nice, well-developed character here. We know what she likes and dislikes and we've started to meet the family. This looks like it could be interesting...
I have a whole website. It's kinda lame though.
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Harket
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asian
I like Jane. She's an extremely intriguing character... I can't wait to find out what she gets up to. :) The way she spaces out and completely missed everything was rather scary though, but if i'm the only one who notices that...

Also. The boy. Was he just a "throw in for people reason" character, or will be reappear? I dunno, I just enjoy keeping up with the characters. :D I really like how her relationship with her mum is so unlike the "rebellious teen" stories... kind of like me and my mum. :)

One more question (ANOTHER one?! :P ) - I seem to be the only one to be bringing this up - why "Fires" for the title? Just like how the title drew me in, the title kept i my mind the whole time. I hope when you post up part 2, and the successive chapters, I'll slowly find out - for now I just gotta wait!

Good job! :)
Birds don't like to fly, they have to fly.
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