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happily ever after; I know you're not ready to live; are you ready to die?
Topic Started: Monday, 2. January 2012, 21:02 (313 Views)
Cow!
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Moojestic Queen Moomay the Resplendent and Hot
Good moorning, bacons! Here we are again, another december 1, another nano novel to post... wait, what's that? It's actually january? Whoops.

So yeah, I totally intended to post this in dec but I forgot and then there were things and gah and forgive me for my crimes it's here now! And it sucks but I'll pretend if you will.


This story is rated M for mature. It has some themes and situations that are definitely not appropriate for the younger set. There's also some swearing, but it's fairly mild. Please use your own discretion.

For those of you who are familiar with pooky, a lot of things are going to seem familiar. That's intentional. Without getting into spoilers or anything, I'll just say that though I've reused quite a few characters and situations, the basic premise of the story is vastly, vastly different (and better), and therefore the plot does eventually diverge quite a bit from pooky. Namely, that there is one.

I'll start from scratch next nano, promise. Don't let me forget I said that.

To spare you from having to read through the comments in between updates, the whole shebang will be available on google dogs [typo, but I'm leaving it in]. I'm hoping to have it all edited and posted by the end of the month, but you never know.

The earlier chapters have already been edited a bit, but I intend to do some major revising as we go, including the addition of at least three more chapters in specific places. Please bear with me if I fail to update every day. Also note that I'm prolly not going to post here every time I update, because I'm a lazy cow. c:

Last but not least: As always, the entire work is copyright 2011 moo may.


And here you go.
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Harket
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asian
YESSS!!! I HAS BEEN W8ING

888888888
8D
Birds don't like to fly, they have to fly.
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Sfabulous
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Sleepy Kat
amgz now I have to read it again :D

Some stuff, because I never actually gave you proper feedback.

Quote:
 
It could be a metaphor for something

What could? My silly little brain is cobnfush.

Quote:
 
He forces himself to look at the near-identical babies as he passes, sleeping peacefully in the endless rows of plastic cribs- cheap, expendable, just like the children themselves.

The break of thought after the dash (which isn't actually a dash!) reads like it carries on as a description of the babies—sleeping...cheap, expendable, just like the children themselves. Granted, you didn't use a comma, so there's nothing wrong there, but if you modified the sentence so it's clear you're describing the cribs, that would make it smoother.

Quote:
 
grey

:)

Quote:
 
His doubts harden into certainty.

This I found strange because you don't get certainty from doubt. It's the opposite; the progression of doubt leads to, well, more questioning. I get how it works the other way too though, so that isn't much of an issue if you think of it that way. And there's a nice little double meaning where the doubts are both clarified, and made certain doubts. Or something.

Quote:
 
One less near identical watchman wears a track in the impersonal linoleum, and one less near-identical baby sleeps the smoky night into dawn.

Hyphen. Also I love this line.

moar!
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Cow!
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Moojestic Queen Moomay the Resplendent and Hot
@hizz: you have so many eyes :O
@sfab
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Jessie
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Hippohypocamputhalamus
HEY DON'T FORGET YOU HAVE TO START FROM SCRATCH NEXT YEAR(!!!!!!!)

This is a fantastic prologue. I have no idea what's going on, what kind of universe you've created... post the next part soooonnnn. Thx

This critique is over 1000 words long


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2012 Poem of the Year - 2011 Best Poet
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Cow!
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Moojestic Queen Moomay the Resplendent and Hot
Trolol I can't wait to see your brain explode after you read some of the later chapters.

@manta


Thanks for the reviewsss <3

Edit: prologue revised, chapters one and two added.
Edited by Cow!, Thursday, 5. January 2012, 04:36.
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Warrior Poet
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If you lead me, I will go.
Yo, I've been waiting too. When I get some free time this is totally next on my list. I'm pushing it ahead of A Study In Scarlet.
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Cow!
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Moojestic Queen Moomay the Resplendent and Hot
:D

Chapter three added.
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Jessie
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Hippohypocamputhalamus
Hi. You're a genius. I'll grill you again in a few days when I actually have time, but for now

chap 3
 
The nice houses evaporate as suddenly appear.


That was probably just a moirabrainfail so :)

Oh, and this:

also chap 3
 
Winchester's main street stretches out lazily over the earth, content to flow past neat businesses and expansive suburban houses, a dark river of asphalt with no desire to change course.


That's brilliant, don't change it.
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Cow!
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Moojestic Queen Moomay the Resplendent and Hot
Quote:
 
chap 3
 
The nice houses evaporate as suddenly appear.
Well that's embarrassing. :c

Chapters four and five added.
Edited by Cow!, Wednesday, 11. January 2012, 04:00.
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Sfabulous
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Sleepy Kat
never close a tab with an unposted review in it.

this won't be as good as it was before
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Cow!
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Moojestic Queen Moomay the Resplendent and Hot
1: I agree with you on the "Loneliness..." thing, will see if I can find a better ending.

3: T.T uh just pretend that never happened.

4: don't we all.

5: I'm considering cutting that sentence altogether, as it doesn't really add anything. Hm.


Thank youuu :D
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