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Untitled Fantasy Thing; PG-13
Topic Started: Thursday, 13. June 2013, 04:54 (319 Views)
JayBeCreative84
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Hey guys. Jay here.I think it's cool when stories have soundtracks. It sets the mood. So here it is:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kcASPx3-HuI

Day 1:
Okay...hi.
I've never done this before.I don't even know how to start. But i guess I'll start with a small introduction.
My name's Renna; Ren for short. Until two days ago, I was pretty happy. I mean, yeah, my folks have been missing since i could remember, but life's been good with Gramma Rosie.
Well...Gramma died 2 days ago. So now I'm stuck with living with my older brother, Aiden.
Aiden is an irresponsible twit. He's in a garage band called Bass. Yeah, just Bass. Better than his last band, Barfbags.
...I'm pretty nervous about living with him in his tiny flat in Seattle. Whatever...I'll get through this.
I always have.
Later.


Ren closed her laptop and swung her legs over the side of the bed, looking around. This would be one of the last times she'd be in her own room for a long time. She looked at the band and theater posters and old photographs that covered the baby blue walls until the paint couldn't be seen. She at last looked up at the ceiling where a single photo was taped right above the pillow of her bed. It was a picture of her parents, back in the days before they had her, with a bouncing Aiden on their fathers' knee. She stood on the bed and touched the fragile edges of the picture.
"Miss you..." she whispered. She peeled the photo off the ceiling and tucked it into the pocket of her black dress, then stepped out into the hallway, closing the door to her wonderland behind her. She walked down the hall into the family room where the guests of her grandmothers' going away party were socializing, discussing the weather and the fate of the young girl.
A couple people patted her on the shoulder as she walked through the crowd, saying "You'll get through this, hun," and "So sorry for your loss, sport."
She finally got to the lounging chair where her Uncle Jim sat, looking down in a lost daze.
"You okay, Jim?" she asked, patting him on the back. Jim was the closest thing she'd had to a father, though they barely saw each other. She felt very bad for him. His sister, best friend, and mother were all gone, and he was left alone. He also had 5 children and a failing marriage. Those were good reasons to feel bad for someone, right?
"Fine...yeah. You?" He forced himself to croak out.
"Eventually,"she said, and gave him that 'Everything will be fine' smile she was notorious for. He gave her a sad smile, but the best he could manage.
And that was that. The next morning Ren was on a plane to Seattle, alone. And when she got to the airport, she was also very much alone. And catching a cab to East Queen Anne to a broken down flat was, indeed, as lonely as it could get, complete with rain.

She dragged her big trunk up the stairs to the front door. She swept her brilliant blonde bangs out of her eyes and rung the damaged doorbell.
She waited...and waited...and waited...and then...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xmnb1vwCV6k&list=PL672F697EC5B2B96B&index=1

A very skinny, tall man in nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist answered the door. He looked out with his bloodshot eyes, then looked down.
"Oh...hey,Ren."
"You were supposed to pick me up,Aiden, you prick."
"Nice to see you too, sis."
"Shut up. You're a terrible brother."
"Wow, how hurtful, I really care what you think. Get in here, you'll get sick, and I'm not paying for a doctors visit."
Ren pulled her trunk into the flat and shut the door.

"Dude, it smells like crap in here. You really need to clean up."
"If you don't like it, clean it yourself, princess."
Ren shot a glare at her brother, who laid back on the filthy sofa in front of the busted TV, licking the cheese off of his cheeto hands.
"Where am I sleeping?"
"Uh...oh right, Nina cleared out the junk room for you, i think. We gave you the old bed." Aiden pointed to the closed door next to the kitchen.
"Nina? Who the hell is Nina?"
Aiden smiled deviously. "My girlfriend. She's so chill, she does pretty much everything for me...I think she's the one."
Ren set down her trunk and grabbed a pillow off the couch, chucking it at Aiden's face.
"You're a pig. I'm going to my room now."
"Dinner's whenever."
"Whatever."
Ren dragged her trunk to the door and opened it slowly. The room was painted a blinding white, and it was small. Inside was a rusty bed covered in old quilts with a nightstand and lavalamp to the side. There was a dresser in the corner and a window next to the bed.
"Huh...it's alright," whispered Renna.
She sat on the bed and a puff of dust shot from the quilts. Sighing, she took out her laptop out of her messenger bag and spent the entire day typing away on the keys.

Day 2:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oud4oMWqfLY
Hi.
So far so good. I've unpacked most of my stuff. The rest will be here in a couple days. That's cool i guess. Aiden's actually been nice today. He took me to this cool pancake joint 2 blocks down and then went to make me my housekey. I guess he felt bad about yesterday. Maybe Gramma Rosie possessed him to actually be a good person. Anyway, I'm home now. Aiden went to play with his friends and probably smoke weed. I have absolutely nothing to do all summer until school starts again...besides cleaning. Gross. I think I'll go exploring. Maybe i can find a good quiet place to read. I can hear the neighbors above me having sex and it's disgusting. I think it's constant. Or maybe there's an old pervert up there obsessed with porno. Well, that's all i've got to say for now.
Later.


Ren set her laptop to the side and looked around at her work. She'd washed the hardwood floors of her room til they sparkled, started a painting on the wall next to the dresser, and put up some raggedy posters. She washed the quilts and sheets and hung strings along the ceiling, all holding photographs and sketches she adored. Then, taped on the ceiling right above her pillow, was the one picture she had of her parents, complete with one bouncing baby Aiden, who didn't know that 23 years from then, he'd be in a dusty old flat taking care of a little sister he never wanted and playing in a garage band that would never be noticed. Ren sighed and swung her legs around the side of the bed. She shoved her socked feet inside her gray Wellies, grabbed her bag, and walked out her bedroom, pulling the door behind her.

A woman, about 20, was in the kitchen, washing dishes. She had 2 tattoos on her arm and was wearing a very revealing tube top with skinny jeans and vans. Her gauges had mickey mouse on them. She looked up, startled, then smiled.
"Hi. I'm Nina," the woman said, wiping her hands off with a dish towel.
"I know." said Ren, looking the woman up and down. Nina smiled as kindly as she could.
"I'm happy i finally get to meet the little princess Aiden was telling me about." said Nina, flipping her long black hair off her shoulders
"Aiden talks about me?"
"Yep. He said you were a bit spunky but very sweet."
"Ha! Wrong kid. I'm going walking. Nice to meet you, Nina," Ren said, and with that, pulled on her cap and walked out of the flat, slamming the door behind her.
After wandering through a couple blocks of thrift shops, restaurants and coffee joints, Ren found herself in a park. It was abandoned, obsolete even. The swings were broken, the slide dented, and the teeter totter off its hinges. She looked around. On the far end of the park was the beginning of trail that went off into the woods.
"Cool," she whispered, and set off for adventure in the deep brush.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nb5KDbuK4PY

"Shit...I'm lost," Ren said, pushing through some thick branches. "But i'm sure as hell not calling Aiden. Nope. I can get through this on my own."
And woosh, she fell and rolled down the hill, landing with a sickening squish into a puddle of mud.
"Ugh!!!" she screeched out. Using all her strength, she picked up a huge rock and chucked it at a tree.

...But the rock didn't hit the tree.
The rock was suspended in the air.

"...what?" she whispered. "I must've hit my head really hard..."
She walked over to the rock and poked it. It fell to the ground with a thud.

"...Yeah, maybe Aiden drugged me at the panpake place..."
The rock flew up again, this time spinning. Ren screamed and started running, not caring where, only to get away from the rock. The rock followed behind her, gaining velocity. Ren screamed louder and ran as fast as she could. She spotted an abandoned house and quickly ran inside, shutting the door behind her.
The rock phased through the door and cornered her. Thinking these were her last moments, she cried, the first time in years.

The rock dropped on the floor once again.
A boy, about 16, appeared. His clothes were tattered, his feet were bare, his face dirty. His long shaggy hair covered his ears and almost touched his shoulders. He looked down at Ren, who looked at him in disbelief.
"Hi...sorry for scaring you."
"...what the f*ck?"
"What?"
"You appeared out of nowhere."
"I'm a ghost, i'm dead."
"Oh..."Ren soaked in the information, pondered...and finally...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s-eQe_nLOko

screamed harder than ever before and ran out of the house, taking the door off its hinges. The ghost followed, shouting a frantic "Hey, wait up!"
Ren found herself at the edge of rushing stream, its waters white and fast. She quickly jumped in, not caring about her clothes or the fact that her phone would be ruined.
The ghost disappeared.
"He's gone..." she sighed, then turned around.
He was right in front of her, floating in midair, smiling coyly.
"What do you want from me?!" Ren shouted.
The ghost's face became serious, and Ren realized he was actually very handsome.
"I wanted to say i'm sorry for scaring you. Hobos and crackheads usually come back here, i love seeing their old hopeless faces light up with fear. It's hilarious...But seriously, are you alright?"
"I'm talking to a ghost...how can i ever be okay? I must be hallucinating..."whispered Ren, rubbing her head.
"If you were hallucinating, could you feel this?" said the ghost, and pinched her arm.
"Ow!...wait...this is real life...this is actual freaking real life..."
"Yep. Nice to meet you, I'm Jamie,"the ghost said, holding out his hand.
"Ren..." she replied, skeptically shaking his hand.
"So, what are you doing out here?" Jamie asked.
"Oh, you know, just explorin- AHH!!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wp_rDPo-Wyo

Ren reached out for him before she slipped in and fell into the brook, knocking her head against the rocks below. Jaime quickly scooped her up into his arms and looked around frantically.
"Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, what do i do?! Think!!!" he shouted to the woods. He ran to the edge of the forest and looked out towards the park to see flashlights searching in the dark night, calling "Renna!" out into the moist cool air. Jamie phased into the night, taking Ren with him. He hid her behind the slide and waited.

"I think i see someone under the slide!" shouted a man.
"That's her! That's her! Aiden we found her!"
"Thank God! Renna!"
The search team swarmed around the girl and shook her awake. Ren opened her eyes slowly, and looked around, startled.
"Where's Jamie?"
"She's delusional."
"Let's take her home, she'll get sick if she doesn't get warm soon."
And so Aiden carried Ren home in his arms, with a very worried Nina besides him.

...and Jamie followed.
and it was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Edited by JayBeCreative84, Thursday, 13. June 2013, 23:47.
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Tron Ninja
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The Semi-Nonexistent
Well I read it.

I have to say it not bad. You are really good at drawing in the reader. I especially liked the part about band name. When I read it I was like "Bass?" And your character was like "yeah, just Bass". Couldn't stop laughing at that. However the interaction between your characters could use some work. For instance the dialogue between Ren and Jim could have added subtexts if you gave more descriptions of their body movement or some background about their relationship.

Also I didn't notice until I had already written this that the second link was to a twilight song playlist.
Edited by Tron Ninja, Thursday, 13. June 2013, 17:51.
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JayBeCreative84
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thanks dude :) and yeah i just wrote Jim in so Renna would have stage business outside of her room. But im gonna run through the story again and edit it so i'll probably put in more characterization. :O that happened to me when i was running through it the first time, i was like "...there's only 2 songs...wat is this music?!" but hey as long as it sounds good right haha. thanks ago for reading it, it means alot ^_^
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Tron Ninja
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The Semi-Nonexistent
Your welcome and I look forward to reading more and seeing where you take the story. Will it be contemporary? or perhaps it will be in the same vein as Through the Looking Glass and The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe ? I suppose i will just have to wait to find out.
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JayBeCreative84
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:O i already edited it so chapter 2's up.
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Tron Ninja
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The Semi-Nonexistent
The characterization is much better and I like to the way the story is going with the medium plot point. But to increase Ren's characterization ( esspecialy since it in first person) including some internal monologue would be helpful. That and maybe a smoother transition into supernatural stuff. :ph34r:
Edited by Tron Ninja, Sunday, 16. June 2013, 08:12.
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I'm not a pessimist, I'm a realist. It's just that reality is horrifying.

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Dekky
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The Rock Raptor
AHHH GHOST! The plot so far is interesting but I fear you've rushed it a bit. One moment Ren was slamming the door to her brother's flat, the next she was lost and being pursued by Jamie. Slightly too fast-paced for me, I'm afraid. Apart from that and some minor grammatical points, it's a pretty good story.

The soundtracks are a brilliant idea. :D Don't think anyone's tried that before on BW, well done!

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JayBeCreative84
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thanks guys c: sorry i haven't added much. I've been with my dad so i haven't been able to really sit down and write. but i will make sure to incorporate the notes you've given me into later chapters or "days" haha c: BUT THANKS FOR READING THIS STORY IT MEANS ALOT.
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