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A Mystery - F4; I need help with a title for this.
Topic Started: Jun 25 2007, 04:00 PM (296 Views)
Deleted User
Deleted User

Hey, this is a murder mystery I wrote last night and I'd like some criticism and help figuring out a title for the thing! It's in script format, so you know.

The Scenario

Alexander, “Xan” Carsh, the “village idiot” of the Teen Advisory Board at the local library, is murdered and six people could have seen him before he left. The body had no stab wounds or pierce wounds, yet there was DNA evidence at the scene of the crime, in his own home.

Character Basics

Diandra Day - Known as Miss D by the Board members, former Board advisor, runs carpool for Board meetings, sometimes checks up on the Board members in the meetings, is slightly crabby and old-fashioned, also is a Trekkie

Lucinda Liu - New Board advisor, more bubbly and upbeat than Miss D, has everyone call her Lucie or Lucinda, often is glared at by Diandra when she is running the meetings

Peter Ivan - Secretary of the Board, easily annoyed by Alexander’s antics in meetings, also is slightly annoyed by Jane because she treats him like a little kid, unlike the rest of the Board, also known as the Planeteer of Fire

Nicole Marks -Vice-president of the Board, once again, annoyed by Alexander being disruptive, especially with the clicking sound

Silence Faith - Semi-gothic President of the Board, always seen with MANY books, cares a lot about the library’s many programs and planning them properly, therefore is annoyed when Alexander is “acting like an idiot” and being disruptive, also known as the Planeteer of Water

Carl Faith - Little brother of Silence, less of a reader yet goes to Board meetings because his sister is there, can relate to Alexander better yet is still annoyed by him, also known as the Planeteer of Earth

Jane Smith - Band member and former Board officer, oldest student member of the Board, can sense lies after they are told to a degree, annoyed by Alexander as well with but cannot lie to Conan, cares about library enough to bring the killer to justice, also known as the Planeteer of Wind

Conan Solanzi - Detective and boyfriend of Jane Green, lways knows when people are lying as they are lying, seeks the truth in finding who killed Alexander so they can be brought to justice.

Scene One - Of the Library

The scene is the library’s meeting room on May 9, 2020 at 6pm. Conan Solanzi paces the room pensively as the members of the Board enter stage left. Conan eyes them knowingly as most of them enter, yet saves a smile for Jane, the eldest student member of the Board, who he sees on a regular basis in his classes and outside of school.

Conan. (sternly speaking) I have called you all here because I wish for the truth to be found. Any lies will be noted and any truths revealed in this investigation. I only wish to find the truth and why it happened so it can be reported to the police. Who was here for the Teen Advisory Board on May 5, 2020? (all hands raise except for Diandra and Jane) (Diandra’s head sweats and her hand taps nervously) Are you sure that this is all that came? (Diandra raises her hand) As I suspected. See, I haven’t even started to interrogate anyone yet and already someone’s lying to me, as if I can’t tell! Jane, where were you?

Jane. (speaking calmly) I was at a Band Banquet, so I was in Hark Township a good hour to an hour and a half before the meeting began.

Conan. Can anyone testify to this?

Lucinda. She e-mailed me a week beforehand to let me know that she could not attend the meeting.

Peter. She also called me as she was driving over to the banquet.

Silence. I was also told that she could not attend a good week in advance.

Diandra. (shakiness in her voice) She did call me to tell me that she would not need to be picked up in the carpool, so I did not pass by her house at all.

Nicole. That is not true, she passed by Jane’s house just in case she could make it, but left a couple minutes later.

Conan. Alright. Next question. Out of those here, who was in the carpool to the meetings? (Lucinda, Silence and Carl drop their hands)

Nicole. Miss D picked up me, then drove by Jane’s house, then picked up Peter, then finally went to Xan’s house before heading to the meeting. Xan normally leaves his front door unlocked on Board meeting days until right before he leaves for meetings. Xan wasn’t coming out of his house, so Miss D went in to check on him. She was in there for a while before coming out saying that he had a headache so he wasn’t coming to the meeting.

Peter. From where I come in, the story is accurate.

Carl. Silence and I don’t even know where Xan lives, nor did we want to.

Lucinda. As far as I know, the Board doesn’t keep an address list archived. Diandra only has an address list of those involved in the carpool. Her daughter, Elli, was sick in bed that day, so she didn’t come to the meeting, either.

Conan. Alright, I will mark this all down and come back with the evidence found at the crime scene. (Conan exits stage left)

Scene Two - With…WHAT?

The scene continues in the same room with Conan entering stage with having a bag marked EVIDENCE in big red letters. He pulls out the pieces of evidence as he speaks of them.

Conan. The police investigated the crime scene, Alexander’s bedroom and, other than it being scarily neat for the most part, found a few things of interest. First, they found a Lightsaber with a red blade. Very nice, although the handle is a bit inaccurate. Second, they found a small, discharged phaser. Star Trek variety, very nice replication of the ones used on the set. Third, they found many plastic Taco Bell sporks. There were at least forty of them. Fourth, they found an empty bottle of Ibuprofen, 200 mg tablets. That, I found quite disturbing. Fifth, they found a broken skateboard, which could not have been the weapon because there would have been a bruise if that had hit him. And, finally they found a rope hanging from his ceiling fan, yet the fan blade was not broken, so that could not have been the cause. So, due to the fact that there were no stab wounds, the only possible causes could have been a phaser shock to the heart or an overdose on Ibuprofen. Now, if overdose was the case, then it most likely would have been forced, since his parents and close friends told us he was not suicidal at all.

Silence. I don’t understand. Why does this affect us?

Conan. Do you recognize anything in this?

Silence. Nope. Nothing at all.

Conan. Also, there was a name tag from last year’s Mystery party on there, labeled “Silly” and marked with a sign that said “Planeteer of Water” on it. Does this sound familiar.

Silence. Unfortunately. How did that get there?

Conan. There’s more! There were signs for the Planeteer of Earth and Planeteer of Fire as well. Would anyone care to explain?

Jane. Xan stole those signs from us when we wore them to the Teen Advisory Board meeting in September. I didn’t know he still had them. The only reason he didn’t get mine is because I took it back and ripped it up in front of him. I kept the real one at home, the one I brought was a duplicate.

Conan. I see. Wow, Jane, you certainly do have some weird inside jokes. (Jane laughs at the inside joke comment then shuts up) Okay then. Why was there a Lightsaber in Alexander’s home?

Peter. He stole it from my house one day and never gave it back.

Conan. Does anyone collect sporks? (everyone shakes their heads) Okay, that must have been Alexander’s collection and they just got spilled in the fray.

Nicole. I thought I would mention this, Miss D was in Xan’s house for a long time before coming out of the house. She came in to wake Xan in case he was sleeping through the meeting. She told us he was in a lot of pain so he couldn’t come.

Conan. Diandra, is this true?

Diandra. No. He had a headache so he was resting instead of coming.

Conan. (shakes his head) I should also mention that the police found brown hairs at the crime scene. Lucinda, you say that he hadn’t been coming to meetings for a while. Why?

Lucinda. As you know, he broke his leg a couple months ago, so he couldn’t get around well and didn’t want any of the Board members making fun of him for being on crutches.

Conan. Okay. Jane and I will talk this over, and I will come back with my decision. (Jane and Conan exit stage left but overhear the conversation that follows)

Lucinda. I think I may have dug a hole for myself.

Diandra. Not as bad as I did. I can’t believe I said that!

Peter. You know, he can probably still hear you, so, unless you want a deeper hole, I suggest you shut up.

Scene Three - The Verdict

The scene begins with an overheard conversation between Jane and Conan regarding the killer’s identity. The audience’s eyes focus on the suspects yet the voices are heard from stage left on the stage.

Jane. So, am I correct in my assumptions?

Conan. Yes.

Jane. I confided in her! I trusted her! She betrayed the Board! (sobbing voice is heard)

Conan. I understand. Come on, this must be revealed.

The scene focuses on the room again before Jane and Conan re-enter the room. Nicole, Silence, Carl and Peter look around waiting for Jane and Conan while Diandra and Lucinda talk away from them.

Diandra. They like you better, I was jealous, I’m sorry.

Lucinda. It’s fine, Diandra, but why did you lie?

Diandra. I was scared, still am. But, if I go to jail, I’ll still remember you, Lucie.

Jane and Conan enter stage left and Diandra and Lucinda sit down at the table by Nicole and Peter, respectively. A smirk is seen on Conan’s face, while Jane’s eyes are still a little bit teary, yet the redness has gone down quite a bit so it’s nearly invisible.

Conan. This murder was, in fact, all because of a misunderstanding.

Jane. The empty bottle of Ibuprofen was still there from when Xan broke his leg a few months ago. He was in pain, so he was taking 200 mg Ibuprofen for the pain. According to his parents, he finished off the bottle at least a week ago and forgot to throw it away.

Conan. Which only leaves one possible weapon to have killed the boy: the phaser. The hairs were analyzed in a DNA testing lab and were determined to be none other than those of Diandra. But the question is why…

Jane. One would originally guess that she wanted something to change, like, she wanted to get her job back as Board Advisor and the only way would be to frame Lucie, but that would be impossible due to the fact that Lucie did not have a simple way or a reason to go to Xan’s house. I personally believe that she thought Xan was Klingon and, in her paranoia, killed him. Does that sound accurate? (Conan nods) Shall I dismiss them or will you?

Conan. You’re free to go, except for Diandra and Jane. (all exit stage left except for Diandra and Jane) Very good, Jane, you solved a case on your own. As for you, Diandra, you must be cuffed.

Diandra. How did you two know it was me?

Jane. One, you were nervous and lying almost the entire time, we could both tell. Two, the murder was committed on a day you knew I wouldn’t be there, so you knew I wouldn’t catch on until I got the evidence. And, three, you could’ve picked a better weapon, I mean, a phaser? Obvious!

---

So, what do you think?
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Sentrovasi
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White Night
Well; it was pretty obvious from the beginning; I generally prefer mystery stories with red herrings... and there weren't hardly any here >_<

That said, it's not a bad script... although stage directions are a little too sparse to be anything concrete. No other major problems, though =/
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Yankee Blaze
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Flaming Chicken
What a mystery... not bad Wrath, I like this story! Makes me think!
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