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Jokes and Gags; Got any crackers?! Be tasteful tho!
Topic Started: Nov 2 2004, 09:10:02 PM (4,464 Views)
Nick22
Resident History Buff

I knew I would be the only one to get it. <_<
Nick
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Petrie
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GOF Founder

Well I was the only one who replied so far...
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Nick22
Resident History Buff

I doubt anyone else will get it, Arvens. Joke-telling is not my strong suit.
Nick
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Petrie
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GOF Founder

Christmas joke:

What does Santa use to clean his sleigh?




















Comet! :lol :lol
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Nick22
Resident History Buff

:rolleyes: You've got to be kidding me.
Nick
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Littlefoot1616
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The Inquisitive Quadruped (admin)

LOL! That's the whole of a jokes page Nick! People are supposed to kid you! PMSL! :lol I got the deer-taped one but not the Comet one! :huh: Is that a typical American product/service? We dont have that over here. Anywho...this one is BOUND to raise a few suspicious eyebrows. If not, definitely some confused ones!
Confused emoticons at the ready...here goes...

How do you get down from a horse?
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You can't! You can only get down from a goose! :DD (Can't wait to see the reaction to this one!)
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Malte279
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I'm a historian. I MUST be like that!

^ To be honest, I don't get this one. Perhaps because I'm missing a pun.

I've found one "scientific" text on Santa Claus which some of you may know already. I hope it won't come too much as a disillusion for you ;) :

Physics Of Santa Clause - Santa Is Dead Theory
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renowned scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.


No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seemes logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth. 5.353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enourmous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion: If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

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Nick22
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We all know the inherent improbabilities. But If God can create the universe in 6 days (hope I'm not offending anyone here), then Santa can make around the world in one night. As for the goose joke, I get it,. The feathers on a goose are called "down".
Nick
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Malte279
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I'm a historian. I MUST be like that!

I have one really funny book of original letters of people. Letters which for the one or the other reason are really funny. The book is in German, but I'll try to give you as accurate a translation of the following letter of a man who writes to a pastor, despaired about his family backgrounds:

Quote:
 
Dear reverend!
As you know I have married a widow who has a twenty year old daughter. My father married this daughter! So my father became my son-in-law, and my step-daugher became my mother. When my wife gave birth to our boy, he was the brother-in-law to my father and at the same time he was my uncle (as the brother of my step-mother). Now my step-mother, who is at the same time my step-daughter, gave also birth to a boy the day before yesterday, and this boy is now my brother as well as my grandson!
Now I am the husband of my wife and her grandson (as the son of her son-in-law). My wife is my grandmother (as the mother of my step-mother). And as the husband of my grandmother is my grandfather I've now become my own grandfather. Please tell me when may I drop in by you?
A postcard is enough.
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Petrie
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GOF Founder

Comet is a cleaner used in stainless steel sinks over here. :p
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Littlefoot1616
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The Inquisitive Quadruped (admin)

OMG! What a way around! PMSL! A friend of mine at my old college also found out how you can become your OWN uncle!!! Cant remember it off the top of my head but it was just as long-winded (and entertaining) as that one! :DD
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Nick22
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That was a good one Malte :lol:
Nick
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Malte279
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I'm a historian. I MUST be like that!

Here is another letter from the book dated from May 1901 (all these letters are originals):

Quote:
 
To the officers of the treasury in New York
Long ago I deceived the United States for the duty on golden clocks worth $50.
As my conscience is striking now I'm sending you $5. As soon as it will strike again you will hear from me again.
Mister X
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Nick22
Resident History Buff

:lol: Let me guess. they didn't hear from him again.
Nick
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Malte279
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I'm a historian. I MUST be like that!

^ I don't know. The book just contains the letters. Here is another one.

Quote:
 
Sir!
You are a very nasty customer!! A crook, a scoundrel, who always forgets that he became everything he is through me!!!
Yours, A. Moll


I'm not sure if this one works out as well in English as it does in German.
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Petrie
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GOF Founder

:blink: :blink: :blink: Doesn't work for me.

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Malte279
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I'm a historian. I MUST be like that!

I'm afraid it wouldn't in English.
In German the writer tells the addressee that he became everything he is (apparently he has a good job or whatever) through the help of the writer.
Quote:
 
who always forgets that he became everything he is through me!!!

Yet as the writer says that the addressee is a very nasty customer, a crook, and a scoundrel it sounds like the addressee became all this with the "help" of the writer.
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Petrie
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GOF Founder

:unsure: :unsure: :blink:

Still have no idea what that means.....
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Malte279
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I'm a historian. I MUST be like that!

Uh, never mind. Here is another letter from that book, written to Germany's treasury:

Quote:
 
Dear Gentlemen,
hereby I want to inform you, that after careful consideration I decided not to join the income tax.
Sincerely, Emil Ludwig Zwer
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Petrie
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:blink: :blink:

I know it has to do something with the guy's name....I must be pronouncing it incorrectly because I'm missing the punch line. :P:
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