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| Jokes and Gags; Got any crackers?! Be tasteful tho! | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Nov 2 2004, 09:10:02 PM (4,460 Views) | |
| Nick22 | Mar 10 2005, 09:24:29 AM Post #121 |
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Resident History Buff
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Very true Arvens very true |
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| Littlefoot1616 | Mar 11 2005, 06:29:12 AM Post #122 |
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The Inquisitive Quadruped (admin)
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Here's an article in my uni's fortnightly newsletter "Purple Wednesday". My uni's local area is deemed to have the themed colour of purple. Dunno why coz very little of the place IS actually purple LOL. Anywho...coz it's a uni letter aimed at students, it's got coarse language so I've censored it as far as possible and I'll blank those out and leave it to your imagination to what was said. Some of you may have heard these over the net but here goes: Things I hate about everybody...(British Version) People who point at their watch and ask for the time. I KNOW where my watch is pal, where's yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask for the toilet! People who are will to get off their backsides to seaach the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually When people say "Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it!" Too &%$£*! right! What good's a cake if you can't eat it! When people say "It's always in the last place you look." Of course it is! Why the $£*%&! would you keep looking after you found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? When people say while watching a film "Did you see that?!" No (rather rude English colloquialism). I paid £12 to come to the cinema and stare at the $&!£*@ floor People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me much of a choice did ya Sonny Jim? When something's "new and improved". Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything like it before. If it's improved, then there must have been something before it When people say "Life is short". WTF! Life is the longest damn thing anyone every *&$%^!"£@~ does!!! What can you do that's longer?! When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would I still be standing here (insert obscene insult here) McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the "Mc" before each item you are ordering......It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets a blank look...Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you Mc*bleep* |
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| Petrie | Mar 31 2005, 06:05:47 PM Post #123 |
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GOF Founder
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:lol: :lol: :lol: I have no idea how I overlooked this the last time but those are great Jason. Definitely college jokes. |
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| Littlefoot1616 | May 7 2005, 08:27:37 PM Post #124 |
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The Inquisitive Quadruped (admin)
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Here's another English joke that will probably be many questions the majority of non-native speakers trying to learn English will ask. Boy oh boy, do we make life difficult for ourselves...LOL It's posted straight from an email so the layout might be a bit spacey but here goes:If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius! This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. Peruse at your leisure, English lovers. Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn: 1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The farm was used to produce produce. 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10) I did not object to the object. 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 13) They were too close to the door to close it. 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. ??? 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail 18) After a number of injections my jaw got number. 19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests 21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France (Surprise!). Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"? |
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| Malte279 | May 8 2005, 06:04:24 AM Post #125 |
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I'm a historian. I MUST be like that!
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:lol: :lol: :lol: Those are lovely! |
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| Petrie | May 9 2005, 12:22:24 PM Post #126 |
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GOF Founder
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Poor Malte. :lol: :lol: :lol: |
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| Littlefoot1616 | May 10 2005, 05:11:57 AM Post #127 |
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The Inquisitive Quadruped (admin)
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Here's a joke I heard from one of my housemates I live with at Uni. For some reason, we were incredibly bored one weekend night (nothing on TV) so we ended up standing in the kitchen with a few bevvies and we started telling each other jokes. Here goes: NB: - Dont be thrown by what's involved in this joke...just go with it! LOL A boiled sweet (yep, you read correctly) walks into a pub. He goes up to the bar and orders a drink. A little while later, a gobstopper (one of those sweets that you gotta suck for ages before you can bite it) comes up to the bar not too far away. After a few drinks, the boiled sweet and the gobstopper get talking but the conversation turns sour and they start arguing over who is hardest. "I'm well 'ard!" the boiled sweet boasts, "My shell is so thick a bloke would crack his teeth trying to chomp me!" "No you're not! I'm harder than you!" the gobstopper shouts, " With my multi-layers you've gotta work me down right to my centre before I'll break!" The bickering continues but eventually, a stick of gum who was listening in walks over to both of them and without breaking a sweat, beats both of them ten times to the dozen! He completely wipes the floor with them, no contest! So, the boiled sweet and gobstopper are both lying on the floor in pieces and the gum goes to the bar for another drink. The bartender wanders over having watched the whole thing, and after handing the gum his drink, he asks him: "Oi! How did you beat them two silly?! They're two of the hardest sweet around and you slaughter the pair of 'em! How?!" "Who them? Oh...they may be hard but you see me? I'm just menthol!" PMSL! Howz that one strike you?! LOL
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| Petrie | May 10 2005, 07:24:40 AM Post #128 |
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I can't for the life of me understand that one.
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| Petrie. | Jun 17 2005, 09:02:39 PM Post #129 |
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Time for Roger to do what he does best--make others laugh. ![]() We'll start out light.... What game do cannibals like to play at parties? (scroll down) Swallow the leader.
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| Littlefoot1616 | Jun 18 2005, 04:33:17 AM Post #130 |
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The Inquisitive Quadruped (admin)
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Oh dear.... PMSL! OK...here's an oldie...probably from a kid's joke book or something... In a house, where do you go if you're dying? The Living Room (ba-dum CHING!)
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| Petrie. | Jun 27 2005, 07:50:14 AM Post #131 |
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Yeah, that's an oldie. ![]() ---------------- I saw two older looking ladies trying to figure out the computers at a local store. I knew one of them would say something that I could send to Computer Stupidities, so I tried to listen in. * Woman 1: "What is that little trash can on the screen?" * Woman 2: "My son says that is call the 'recycle bin'. He tells me when I don't want a Word document anymore and I delete it, it really goes in there." * Woman 1: "Why in the recycle thingy? Can't you just erase it?" * Woman 2: "Oh no, Word wouldn't work for very long if I did that, I would run out of blank pages." * Woman 1: "Why?" * Woman 2: "Because it cleans the words off the pages, then sends the blank sheets back to Word so they can be used again. That's why it's called the recycle bin." ----------------- :lol: :lol:
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| NewOrder | Jul 3 2005, 03:54:50 PM Post #132 |
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Ducky
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LOL... I had a similar experience During an english class in the library a couple of kids were at one of the computer's and they couldn't get in, so my teacher told them to "reiniciate" the windows thingy, so they did... when that blue stuff that you always press enter to skip ahead appeared.. I saw that the kids were just staring at it so I told them to press enter one of the kids was going to press it but they other one stoped him yelling: "Don't touch that! It'll ruin the computer... Can't you see its thinking?" (Probably not such a good joke but it was funny at the time...) |
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| Malte279 | Jul 3 2005, 05:24:26 PM Post #133 |
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I'm a historian. I MUST be like that!
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Informatics was certainly the least useful subject I had at school. Not so much because the subject were useless (it isn't) but because the students knew more than the teachers. The most obvious case was when our teacher was sitting in front of the computer, absolutely desperate because for some reason it "didn't start" until at last one of us had the mercy to switch on the screen of his computer
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| Petrie. | Jul 7 2005, 04:39:18 PM Post #134 |
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:lol: Why are the best jokes nowadays always the ones about those that are seriously computer illiterate? Speaking of computers: Customer Service: Ok, you're going to need to turn on your computer and open up Windows so I can walk you through the process. Caller: What are you crazy, it's -20 out there! :rolleyes: |
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| Littlefoot1616 | Nov 9 2005, 06:49:40 PM Post #135 |
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The Inquisitive Quadruped (admin)
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Here's a joke I heard from a friend: There's a man in a cinema and he's sprawled out over several seat in a very stroppy fashion. A couple who booked two of the seats this man happens to be lying in turn up. They kindly ask the man to move but he just groans. Getting annoyed they call for the usher to deal with the problem. THe usher comes over and asks the man to move so the couple can sit in their designated seats. Again, the man barely moves and just groans at them. The usher begins to get very annoyed and warns the man that he will be forced to get the manager if he doesn't move. Yet again, the man just groans. So, the usher goes to get the manager (by now there is such a disturbance that the film has been stopped), and the manager arrives and bends down to talk to the man. "Excuse me sir...what's your name?" the manager asks. "S...Sam..." the man grumbles still sprawled out over these seats. "Ok Sam," the manager continues, "where did you come from?" The man weakly points up to the ceiling and says, "From the balcony..."
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| Petrie. | Nov 16 2005, 08:10:41 PM Post #136 |
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Poor guy! :lol: Sherry: I can't marry you Bob. You're penniless and have no financial security. Bob: So what? The czar of Russia was Nicholas. Grooooooaaaaaaaaannn. :lol: |
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| Littlefoot1616 | Nov 17 2005, 10:35:02 AM Post #137 |
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The Inquisitive Quadruped (admin)
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Uuuurrrrggghhhhh Roger! PMSL!
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| F-14 Ace | Dec 5 2005, 06:47:13 PM Post #138 |
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Resident Ace Combat fanatic!
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Star Wars joke this one might suck We see that scene at the begining of episode III where Obi Wan gets attacked by buzz droids. He says, "Anakin, buzz droids are tearing my ship apart. I'm losing thrust, i lost r-4 and my controls are malfunctioning. But I do have something positive here." Anakin asks, "What is it?" Obi Wan says, "I just saved a bunch of money on my starship insurance by switching to Geico!" :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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| Littlefoot1616 | Dec 15 2005, 11:02:40 PM Post #139 |
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The Inquisitive Quadruped (admin)
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Here's a joke I got from an internet friend: Once a month, David goes to visit his grandpa out in the sticks (the countryside) for a little quality time. As per usual, he gets dropped off on a country lane and has to walk through the woodland up to his grandpa's place. He always knows he's almost there coz he can see his grandpa's old farmer's truck park just a little way from his log cabin. David finally arrives, greets his grandfather and soon explores the house. Being miles from nowhere, there was no electricity or hot water or anything. It's breakfast time and grandpa cooks a lovely breakfast of eggs and bacon. David offers to help clean up but grandpa insists he sit down and enjoy himself. David wanders into the kitchen just as his grandpa finishes washing up and he notices that the plates are a still a bit scummy. "Grandpa..." David says, "These plates are still dirty." But grandpa quickly responds. "They are as clean as cold water can get them." David shrugs it off and goes off to wander the forest. Come lunchtime, David is called in but he quickly notices that his plate has a bit of dried on egg on it from breakfast. He turns to his grandfather. "Grandpa! This plate is still dirty!" he says. "It's as clean as cold water can get 'em!" his grandpa replies again. At dinner time, it's the same thing. THe plates are still dirty. "Grandpa...this plate is STILL dirty!" David complains "It's as clean as cold water can get them son!" Grandpa replied again. The next day, David wakes up and his grandpa asks him to go into town to get some food for breakfast. David agrees and goes outside to fetch the wagon. As he comes up to the shed, he find a rather mean looking dog sitting in the wagon bearing its teeth rather menacingly. "Grandpa!" David shouts back at the house, "there's a nasty dog sitting in the wagon! What should I do?" Suddenly, grandpa comes stumbling out of the house and shouts to the dog. "Bad Cold Water! Get down boy! Bad dog!"
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| Petrie. | Dec 16 2005, 03:33:35 PM Post #140 |
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^ I read somewhere that a dog's mouth is cleaner than that of a human's. :lol: So, it's not as bad as you think. |
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It's posted straight from an email so the layout might be a bit spacey but here goes:
PMSL!


7:22 PM Jul 10