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| Jokes and Gags; Got any crackers?! Be tasteful tho! | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Nov 2 2004, 09:10:02 PM (4,459 Views) | |
| F-14 Ace | Dec 20 2005, 08:11:39 AM Post #141 |
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Resident Ace Combat fanatic!
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Ok, there was this old lady walking down the road. she was carrying two bags. one bag had a hole in it and money kept falling out. A police officer saw this and asked, "Where did you get that money?" The old lady said, "Well, my house is right behind a football stadium. These idiots keep peeing in my bushes so I decided to put a stop to it. I got a pair of gardening clippers and hid there for someone to come. Sure enough, some guy tried to pee in the bush. I put the clippers up to it and said, "30 dollars or off it comes!" The police man laughed and said, "So what is in the other bag?" The lady said, "Not all of them paid."
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| Petrie. | Dec 20 2005, 09:02:26 AM Post #142 |
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GOF Founder
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:lol: :lol: She neutered them depending on how much she snipped off!
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| F-14 Ace | Dec 22 2005, 01:58:34 AM Post #143 |
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Resident Ace Combat fanatic!
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A dad walks into Wal-Mart looking for a birthday gift for his daughter. He asks a lady working there, "How much do these Barbies cost?" The lady answered, "Swim team Barbie costs $12.99. Dentist Barbie, $12.99 Devorced Barbie, $314.99." The man asks, "Why does Devorced Barbie cost so much?" The woman answered, 'Because Devorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's swimming pool, Ken's clothes, etc... |
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| Petrie. | Jan 1 2006, 11:47:30 AM Post #144 |
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GOF Founder
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Isn't Barbie the famous one, though? :lol: So why would Ken have all the stuff? |
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| F-14 Ace | Jan 7 2006, 03:39:09 PM Post #145 |
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Resident Ace Combat fanatic!
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Ok, here is another one. There are three trucks. One is carrying a ton of sand. one is carrying s ton of water, and one is carrying a ton of rocks. If they all went up a hill at the same time, which would reach the top first? |
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| Malte279 | Jan 7 2006, 04:06:12 PM Post #146 |
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I'm a historian. I MUST be like that!
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None I reckon they all would be squished like... say a little longneck who crawls under a sharptooth's foot hoping to trip it. |
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| F-14 Ace | Jan 7 2006, 04:14:49 PM Post #147 |
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Resident Ace Combat fanatic!
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They are big trucks. Dumptrucks carry up to 6 tons of stuff. They would all reach the top at the same time cuz they all weigh the same! They are each carrying a ton. :lol:
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| Malte279 | Jan 7 2006, 04:41:46 PM Post #148 |
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I'm a historian. I MUST be like that!
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Me and my vain attempts at speed-reading! You know what I read when trying to read it that way? I read about "ducks" rather than "trucks" to whom what I said would certainly apply. Anyway, this is the jokes section and that silly mistake of mine sure makes for a laugh :lol: |
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| Littlefoot1616 | Jan 8 2006, 06:52:49 AM Post #149 |
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The Inquisitive Quadruped (admin)
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LOL! Never mind Malte! If you're gonna laugh at mistake like that This is definiitely the place to do it! I've heard that one before but slightly adapted. There are 2 bags, one has a pound of stones in it, the other has a pound of feathers. If weighed, which one is heavier? The number of people who automatically jump to "a pound of stones" is shocking! LOL Coz of course, they weigh the same amount.
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| Malte279 | Jan 8 2006, 07:14:13 AM Post #150 |
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I'm a historian. I MUST be like that!
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And the feathers would be more unwieldy due to their much greater volume. |
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| F-14 Ace | Jan 8 2006, 10:01:23 AM Post #151 |
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Resident Ace Combat fanatic!
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They would both weigh the same! Each one weighs the same.
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| Littlefoot1616 | Jan 9 2006, 06:38:12 AM Post #152 |
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The Inquisitive Quadruped (admin)
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Here are some jokes I got in an email from a friend at uni. All by the great comedian Tommy Cooper...I had a good laugh at some of these. Thought I'd share them with you guys, brighten your day! ![]() 1. Two blondes walk into a building.......... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it. 2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..." 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says: "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any. 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him £50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said: "No, the steaks are too high." 6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. 7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted: "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied: "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off". 8. I went to a seafood disco last week...... and pulled a muscle. 9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. 10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. 11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says: "I'll give you some cream to put on it." 12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome''. ' Is it common? '. "It's not unusual." 13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says: "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, he's really heavy" 14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?". "Don't you start." 15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom, boom! 16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?". I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it." 18. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. There are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think it's Colin. 19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says: "So are you, you fat b******!" 20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. 21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice." 22. A man walked into the doctor's, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more" 23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a two-seater Cessna crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night 24. Two cannibals eating a clown.One says, "Does this taste funny to you?" 25. A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up by the tail and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.' 26. Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in. 27. He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books." 28. And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Can't you tell? This my livelihood.' 29. So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said, 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said, 'Hundreds & thousands?' I said, 'We'll start with one.' He said, 'Knickerbocker glory?' 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.' 30. I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?' I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a van.' He said 'Camper?' I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.' 31. So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died." 32. Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'.And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'" 33. So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.' 34. So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'" 35. So I rang up a local building firm. I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.' 36. So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.And then he rang up second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again.He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said, 'I careered off the road.' All jokes from the late and great Tommy Cooper! Such a legend
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| F-14 Ace | Jan 18 2006, 06:46:17 PM Post #153 |
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Resident Ace Combat fanatic!
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I just found this cool song by Wierd Al. It is to the tune if I Like It This Way. Correct me if I messed up with the title..Anyway, it is called Ebay. Here is the link to the site. Just click play. http://www.imagestorepro.com/ebay_song.html |
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| pokeplayer984 | Jan 19 2006, 09:56:51 AM Post #154 |
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Yes, that's a new Pokemon!
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Okay, here's one for ya. It's a pretty classic one. Try to guess the name of the doctor. ![]() Scene: Two friends run into eachother and start talking. Guy 1: Hey, I just heard that you had your appendix taken out. Guy 2: Sure did! Guy 1: So, what is the name of the doctor, who did your operation? Guy 2: Who! Guy 1: The guy that took your appendix out. Guy 2: Who! Guy 1: The guy that cut you open. Guy 2: Who! Guy 1: The guy that made you better. Guy 2: Who! Guy 1: The guy you went to to save your life! Guy 2: Who! Guy 1: Who is it!? Guy 2: Yes! Guy 1: Who is? Guy 2: Yes! Guy 1: Oh, so the name of the guy is Dr. Yes? Guy 2: No! Guy 1: Well, who was it that did your operation? Guy 2: Who! Guy 1: The guy that took your appendix out. Guy 2: Who! (repeat on forever.) Well, what's the name of the doctor?
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| Petrie. | Jan 19 2006, 10:46:00 AM Post #155 |
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GOF Founder
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Littlefoot: I've heard a couple of those before, but they certainly made my day. Ace: Yup, that's a song for all the ebay addicts (who maybe shouldn't be )Poke: Gee I hope I guess correctly: Dr. Who. :lol: |
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| F-14 Ace | Feb 1 2006, 07:20:57 AM Post #156 |
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Resident Ace Combat fanatic!
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How do you find Ronald McDonnald on an all nude beach? :lol: Because, he isthe one with the sesame-seed buns!
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| Cyberlizard | Feb 13 2006, 12:10:41 AM Post #157 |
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*flicks tongue*
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My friend couldn't stop laughing for the rest of the day when I told him this one: There is a guy sitting at a bar and is about to drink this mug full of green sludge. Then this guy walks in, "Hi," Then he grabs the mug from the table and starts to guzzle down the sludge. "NO! STOP!" But it's too late. Then the guy starts crying. "Don't cry, I'll buy you another beer." "No, it's not that. This is the worst day of my life. First I show up late for work and got fired, then my car was stolen, the cops could do nothing. I got mugged on my way home and lost my wallet and credit cards. I come home and see my wife kissing a FedEx guy. I was sitting at this bar and was thinking of putting an end to my life, when you show up and drink all my poison."
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| F-14 Ace | Feb 13 2006, 12:15:47 AM Post #158 |
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Resident Ace Combat fanatic!
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:lol:
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| Littlefoot1616 | Feb 14 2006, 06:11:07 AM Post #159 |
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The Inquisitive Quadruped (admin)
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PMSL! Oh dear! Here's a joke I read in a magazine... What's the fastest kind of cake? ssssssSCONEeeee |
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| pokeplayer984 | Mar 7 2006, 02:14:14 PM Post #160 |
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Yes, that's a new Pokemon!
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LOL! Okay, here's one for ya. What color do all villians have in common? I'll give you guys 24 hours to answer this.
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