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| The Things They Carried: High School Struggles; A true piece | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Nov 15 2007, 05:20:23 PM (410 Views) | |
| Tails_155 | Nov 15 2007, 05:20:23 PM Post #1 |
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Ducky
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take note, this was kind of hard to write, because all things said are true, if not softened for the public to read Tell me what you think, I put a lot of time into this, but as always, I want honesty, not a hollow "nice" if there's something worth criticizing... ALSO... these names aren't all me this time, they're just the same names (I have all these names from my RP group... so they were significant at another time - now they're mainly placeholders for real peoples' names I don't want to release) |
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| Manny Cav | Nov 15 2007, 05:56:09 PM Post #2 |
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Cera
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I see you do this a lot in your work. This is called a comma splice. You shouldn't join two independent clauses with a comma like this. Good ways to correct a sentence like this:
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| landbeforetimelover | Nov 15 2007, 05:58:56 PM Post #3 |
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Littlefoot
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The text included many excellent descriptive words, words that showed the reader what was going on and allowed the reader to experience what the included person/persons in question had experienced. I couldn't have done better. Spend much time reading thesauruses? Anyways, the only thing I found unsatisfactory was the quote thing. If you notice, the quote text is smaller than the regular text and much harder to read. It's also in a much harsher color to the eyes. Very unconfortable to read. In the middle of reading the text, I had to copy and paste the whole thing into a word document because my eyes hurt so much from trying to read that text of the quotes. Quotes are meant for small parts of text that you are quoting, not a long paper with many paragraphs. That's what they were optimized for. Other than the annoyance of having to put the text into a word document, it was very well written. It does not in many ways describe my experiences that I am going through in high school right now, but I was able to easily see the characters point of view and make connections from the text not from my personal life (which is what most people do in their style of writing), but from the text itself. It was written in the format of a sunday paper, but it was different because it was not simply a collection of facts put into writing, but a writing of passion and from a supurb writer as well. It is clear that you have strong emotions surrounding the content of the paper, and that is what matters. If you do have no emotions about the text, then you have a rare gift because you filled it with passion...the passion that seems like it's coming from an esteemed individual with a distinct opinion driven by personal experience and emotion. If you have actual emotions about these things included in the paper, then great job. If you have no emotions about the contents, go looking for a job as a writer. B)There were several text errors, but that's what editors are for!
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| Tails_155 | Nov 15 2007, 06:17:26 PM Post #4 |
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Ducky
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heh... I am awful at comma splicing and run-ons ![]() there is indeed emotion in this, I poured more or less my heart and soul into this paper it is all true as said below the thing...I quote it because I, on the other hand, have trouble reading text in large blocks with a color change in the background even as faint as it currently is... but it's fine for short posts to me XD kinda the opposite I showed this to my English teacher and when she read it she found a much more out-sticking error, the second or third "they" was a "he" for some reason XD there- size fixed I really prefer a solid background for large posts
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Anyways, the only thing I found unsatisfactory was the quote thing. If you notice, the quote text is smaller than the regular text and much harder to read. It's also in a much harsher color to the eyes. Very unconfortable to read. In the middle of reading the text, I had to copy and paste the whole thing into a word document because my eyes hurt so much from trying to read that text of the quotes. Quotes are meant for small parts of text that you are quoting, not a long paper with many paragraphs. That's what they were optimized for. Other than the annoyance of having to put the text into a word document, it was very well written. It does not in many ways describe my experiences that I am going through in high school right now, but I was able to easily see the characters point of view and make connections from the text not from my personal life (which is what most people do in their style of writing), but from the text itself. It was written in the format of a sunday paper, but it was different because it was not simply a collection of facts put into writing, but a writing of passion and from a supurb writer as well. It is clear that you have strong emotions surrounding the content of the paper, and that is what matters. If you do have no emotions about the text, then you have a rare gift because you filled it with passion...the passion that seems like it's coming from an esteemed individual with a distinct opinion driven by personal experience and emotion. If you have actual emotions about these things included in the paper, then great job. If you have no emotions about the contents, go looking for a job as a writer. B)

8:04 PM Jul 10