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The funniest things you've said or heard; quips and conversations from real life
Topic Started: Aug 23 2010, 11:01:35 AM (4,429 Views)
Pangaea
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This is a thread for posting witty quotes, funny stories, and transcripts of amusing conversations from real life. These include wisecracks, taunts, and unintentionally hilarious things that you have said or heard someone else say, funny stories and experiences you have had, and humorous exchanges between two or more people that you have overheard or been involved in. Subjects of stories and speakers of quotes can be you, family members, friends, acquaintances, or complete strangers; as long as it’s something you’ve said, heard, witnessed, or experienced in the real world (and not routines or staged performances as in a play or a comedian’s stand-up act), and isn’t too rude, dirty, or otherwise inappropriate (see the GOF censorship rules), it’s acceptable.

This thread is not to be confused with the “Funniest Quotes You've Heard” thread in the Silver Screen section, as all quotes and stories in this thread must be from real life, not from movies or television. It is also distinct from the “Make your own quotes” thread, because quotes here must specifically be humorous. And that said, the stories and quotes shared here should not be jokes, per se; those should be posted in this thread.

To start off, and to provide examples of the kind of material that should go in this thread, I am reposting these quotes (originally posted here), all conversations that took place between members of my wacky family, :p which essentially provided the original inspiration for this thread. Enjoy! :smile

Quote:
 
Me: “I would appreciate it if you would let me get a word in edgewise.”

My older younger brother: “But we ain’t in edgewise. We’re in Minnesota!”



My sister: “Hey, guys. Guess what? Today I saw a real dead human brain.”

Me: “Great. I’m glad you two were finally reunited.”




My older younger brother: “There are monkeys in this world!”

Me: “Of course. There’s one in the living room talking right now.”




*My brothers and I are watching a Three Stooges short, and our mom walks in.*

My mom: “What’s this show called?”

My youngest brother: “‘I’m A Monkey’s Uncle’ (*the title of the short*).”

My older younger brother: “You are?”




*My mom and older younger brother are sitting on the couch in the living room. I’m looking for my two youngest siblings.*

Me: “Where are those other two chumps?”

My mom: “I don’t know. (*pause*) Hey! What do you mean by ‘other chumps’?”




Me: (*carrying a roast turkey from the oven*) “Turkey coming through!”

My mom: “You talking about yourself?”



Me: “You can pick your friends, but not your family.”

My mom: “You can pick your friends, you can pick your pets—”

My dad: “You can pick your nose…”




My mom: “That’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen.”

Me: “Ah, I’ve seen weirder things.”

My sister: “Yeah, the mirror.”


P.S. I’d like to thank Cancerian Tiger for suggesting this thread, and Rat_lady7 for asking the question in my “Ask Me” thread that led to me originally posting the above quotes. :)
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Pangaea
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Wow, I didn't realize I was so privileged to have funny conversations and incidents in my life. :p

I guess I'll bump this thread with another one of my personal stories. This conversation is only funny if you understand the context of it, so read the following paragraph first.

My mom, my youngest brother, and I were in the family room. They were on the couch in front of the TV, and I was standing nearby. I was bored, and felt like watching a video, so I asked them what they felt like watching, but worded it rather vaguely because I expected they’d know what I was talking about. However, it happened that my mother was feeling worn out from the heat (it was a warm day), while my brother was feeling hungry. It turned out that none of us were thinking about the same thing, but we all thought we were, so each of us ended up interpreting the prior speaker(s) in completely different ways. To this day it is one of our favorite moments of real-life comedy:

Quote:
 
Me: “So, whaddaya feel like?”

My mom: “I feel like a hot marshmallow.”

My youngest brother: “Good idea! Let’s have s’mores!”
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MrDrake
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WINDMILLS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY! GOODNIGHT!
Okay, I have one I now remember for a little while ago, a small conversation about Lego Batman believe it or not :lol

Me: Huh, I just unlocked Bruce Wayne as a character
My Friend: What's he going to do? Throw money at you?

Man, that was just a classic, well, I can't recall if that's what I said exactly, but it was about unlocking Bruce Wayne as a character in the game, and that's what my friend had said :lol:
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Pangaea
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^ THANK YOU! Finally another poster!

I'll post another of my own. My youngest brother has a habit of making extremely bizarre noises when he stretches. (One time my mother heard him stretching from elsewhere in the house and yelled, “What’s wrong with the cat?!” :lol). A while ago, he was making some of his unearthly stretching sounds, and I commented on it:

Quote:
 
Me: “You sound like a yeti stretching!”

(pause)

Me: “Never mind, you ARE a yeti stretching, so how can I blame ya?”
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Animeboye
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Ducky
The most hilarious thing I had ever heard was what this girl said after me and my friend had seen Bruno. Unfortunately I don't think I'd be allowed to post what she said as it is inappropriate.
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raga
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Petrie
Me to a friend while studying for an Organic Chemistry exam: Just remember, carbon is the molecular whore!
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Pangaea
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Animeboye,Oct 4 2010
10:07 PM
The most hilarious thing I had ever heard was what this girl said after me and my friend had seen Bruno. Unfortunately I  don't think I'd be allowed to post what she said as it is inappropriate.

Umm…what's the second funniest thing you've ever heard? Can you post that? :p

Here's another one of mine:
Quote:
 
*My two brothers and I are waiting in the car. My youngest brother is horsing around in the far back, where he has manipulated the lever on my seat (in the middle) to cause it to recline. My other brother and I are trying to make him stop.*

Me: (*yelling*) “Get in the front seat!” (*meaning the middle*)

My older younger brother: “What does it matter if he’s in the middle or the back?”

Me: “Because when he’s back there he can taunt me!”

My older younger brother: “But he can taunt you from the middle, too.”

Me: “Well, then I can punch him!”

Don’t worry, I never punch hard, only playfully. :angel
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Dima02
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20th Equestria Royal Armored Division
My two friends and I were talking about a geometry quiz.

Friend 1: I don't think I did so well on the quiz, but I'll be happy with whatever I got.

Me: Yeah, bread crumbs are better than nothing.

Friend 2: But nothing is better than getting a good grade.

Friend 1: Then, according to the law of detachment, bread crumbs are better than getting a good grade.
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Cancerian Tiger
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Look Within Yourself
Here's a couple of my parrot Howard's funniest lines he's said to/around me:

Quote:
 
Howard (while I'm in the room): "Where's Anna?  Huh?  Where's Anna?"

Me: "I'm right here, silly."

Howard: "Oh, gawwwwd." :lol


and

Quote:
 
Howard: "Aw, s***!  Hahahahahaha!  Hey, let's all go to bed!  Woohooooo!" :spit


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Pangaea
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Cancerian Tiger,Oct 5 2010
10:35 PM
Quote:
 
Howard (while I'm in the room): "Where's Anna?  Huh?  Where's Anna?"

Me: "I'm right here, silly."

Howard: "Oh, gawwwwd." :lol
:lol
That happens to me all the time, actually. :rolleyes Sometimes when I'm with my family in a public place where there are a lot of people and/or it is easy to get lost (such as a zoo or airport), I find myself looking around and asking “Where’s (name of family member)?”, only for someone else (often the person I'm looking for) to say “Right here”, and I turn around and see them right behind me. :oops :slap
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Animeboye
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Ducky
Quote:
 
Umm…what's the second funniest thing you've ever heard? Can you post that? dino_tongue.gif


Well I guess you could say it's funny. Well at least to me, but...

When I had gotten back from class, I stopped at Best Buy to pick up The Human Centipede on DVD. So before heading home, I decided to go to Borders and visit a friend of mine. She noticed the DVD in my pocket and asked what it was. When I showed it to her, she just started freaking out and showing her co-workers the DVD. And then she started asking me questions like, "Why does he cut their knees?", "Why did they do this, why did they do that?" And so on and so forth. I just found her reaction and the questions funny.
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Littlefoot Fan
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Ducky
Quote:
 
Mom: "I don't know how somebody so skinny can take up so much room."

Me: "I don't know whether to take that as a compliment or not."
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Redtooth101
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Mechanical Dino, win
My friends and I where doing those Soviet Russia jokes this one time:

Kevin: In Soviet Russia, Ipod touch you!

Ryan:...That sounds wrong.

Me: In Soviet Russia shirt iron you! It very painful, especially when shirt hold grudge.
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Adder
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Ducky
Funniest thing I've every heard is my friend Zack singing "We Wish you a Merry Christmas" yesterday, and today. I told him it was October, you should be doing halloween themed stuff, save it for christmas. :p :lol
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Cancerian Tiger
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Had another funny moment with Howard today while I was cleaning his cage area.

Quote:
 
Howard (as soon as I turned the vacuum cleaner off): "Hey!  Don't even start that!"


I swear, this bird has a humanlike mind :lol.
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Petrie.
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Told this to a co-worker after I heard it at a meeting:

Arguing with an adolescent is like mud-wrestling with a pig; you both will get dirty and the pig actually enjoys it.
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Pangaea
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Glad to see so many people posting in this thread! :D

Here’s a quote of mine I uttered last night relating to my absentmindedness, namely the increasingly frequent moments in which I completely blank out in the middle of a sentence:
Quote:
 
Some people have brain farts. I have chronic cerebral flatulence.
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Cancerian Tiger
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I said this one the other day while eating fried catfish in front of a relative who hates catfish:

Me (just before takin' a bite of catfish): "Poor Friskies. He was a good family cat."

Relative: :huh: :blink: :x :x
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Cancerian Tiger
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I say the following if I ever forget where I parked in a parking lot.

Me: "I didn't lose the keys this time, I lost the whole damn car!" :p
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Pangaea
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^ I actually spent several seconds laughing out loud (albeit quietly) at that one. :lol

I'm currently working as a volunteer at an aquarium, where my job is to answer questions (:smile :DD) and show visitors how to properly pet the fish in the touch tanks. The following is a permutation of one of the most frequent conversations I have when I tell visitors that they can touch the sturgeon:
Quote:
 
Visitor: “It’s not going to bite me, is it?”

Me: “Naw, they don’t even have teeth. They've just got a sucker-like mouth on the underside of their heads like a vacuum cleaner. Even if they did try to bite you, the worst they could do is give you a big hickey.” :P:
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