Welcome Guest [Log In] [Register]
Welcome to The Gang of Five | The Land Before Time. We hope you enjoy your visit.


You're currently viewing our forum as a guest. This means you are limited to certain areas of the board and there are some features you can't use. If you join our community, you'll be able to access member-only sections, and use many member-only features such as customizing your profile, sending personal messages, and voting in polls. Registration is simple, fast, and completely free.


Join our community!


If you're already a member please log in to your account to access all of our features:

Username:   Password:
Add Reply
The funniest things you've said or heard; quips and conversations from real life
Topic Started: Aug 23 2010, 11:01:35 AM (4,432 Views)
Pangaea
Member Avatar
Resident paleo-nut
Here’s one that I thought was kind of appropriate to post on Halloween: :p

In December 2007, my final project for one of my college courses was a presentation on vampires, which I practiced beforehand in front of my family. My mom suggested that I bring in some props such as garlic or crucifixes, and this conversation ensued:

Quote:
 
Me: “I’m not bringing garlic!”

My dad: “Well, can you bring in a crucifix?”

My mom: “I have a crucifix hanging there on the Christmas tree.”

Me: (*my interest piqued*) “Oh, really? Where?”

My mom: “Right there.”

*My youngest brother points out the cross ornament for me. I take one look at it and am not impressed.*

My mom: “Why don’t you bring that in?”

Me: “It’s crocheted!”

*My dad cracks up. I grab the “cross” and hold it up.*

Me: “It’s a freakin’ doily!”

*By now, my mom has joined in the laughter.*

Me: (*sarcastically*) “Yeah, this’ll scare off a vampire.”

*I mockingly hold the doily-cutout-cross out in front of me, as if to fend off a vampire.*
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Zenoah
Member Avatar
Angel of the City
A few days before Halloween I was at a free showing of Hocus Pocus at the theater.
Kids were swarming me for I had on a kitty mascot head.

Well these two boys were talking with me and one told me this interesting fact.

"President Obama is our 5th President. Because there were 5 other Obamas before him but they all died...so that's why Obama is our 5th."

Or something like that.
I tried so hard not to laugh aloud. It was extreemly adorable yet hillarious.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Valeron
Member Avatar
Chomper
Oh, I've got a lot of these.... sadly most of them are of an adult nature.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Cancerian Tiger
Member Avatar
Look Within Yourself
Saw this one on a bumper sticker:

"Nothing is impossible, eh? Try slamming a revolving door!" :lol
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Pangaea
Member Avatar
Resident paleo-nut
Some members of my family (myself included :p) have a habit of talking to things that cannot reply to us. One time, my younger brother was doing this while the both of us were making lunch in the kitchen, and I brought this up:
Quote:
 
Me: “Do you always talk to the cheese this much when you’re making sandwiches?”


My mom also tends to talk to characters on the TV. One time I made the following comment:
Quote:
 
Me: “Intensive scientific studies have shown that people on the television screen cannot hear you when you talk to them.”
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Cancerian Tiger
Member Avatar
Look Within Yourself
This one happened today while I was grouting ceramic tile:

Quote:
 
Me (about to grout around an electrical outlet): "A'ight, I'm gonna put some of this grout on my finger and shove it right here."

Relative: "Did I just hear you say you're going to stick your finger in the socket?!"

Me: "No way, I'd have to be a dumba** to do that, or try for a Darwin Award."

Relative: "Well, it wouldn't surprise me." 


What I hear if I'm at home and run into something (my relatively fast pace is also taken into consideration in the following statement):

Quote:
 
Relative (jokingly): "There you go chargin' in here like a bull in a china shop again!"
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Redtooth101
Member Avatar
Mechanical Dino, win
Some of my older brother's stuff.

Brother: Scientist call it being bi-sexual...I call it being damn greedy, I mean pick one already?

Little brother: I'm bored
Brother: Go sit in the toilet
Little brother: But I don't have to poo
Brother: So? You'll be amazed how time flies when your on the toilet, that's when you think and use your imagination.

Brother(to his car): Tomorrow we're gonna smoke 'em...What do ya mean I change gear sloppy, you gearbox is the problem...well I wouldn't have ha to mess with it if it was good in the first place...don't go blaming this on the company it's all your fault...yeah maybe I should have gotten a Toyota...well excuse me Mr. I can't keep my tail under control...you know what thats it, time out I'm putting you in the garage.

He pauses like it's talking to him :lol
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Pangaea
Member Avatar
Resident paleo-nut
Oyg…I'm really in need of some humor right now. Here's a few more random amusing quotes from me and my family:

Quote:
 
My youngest brother: “Did you call me a lump?”

Me: “No. I just burped.”


This one happened after my youngest brother used an unusual idiom (I forgot what it was) while talking with my older younger brother:
Quote:
 
My youngest brother: “It’s a figure of speech.”

My older younger brother: “Oh. I’ve never heard that one before.”

My youngest brother: “That’s because I made it up.”


On this occasion, my family and I were having walleye for dinner. I had selected a much smaller plate for my meal than anyone else, and my mom took notice as I was squeezing lemon juice over my fish:
Quote:
 
My mom: “Why do you have a tiny plate?”

Me: “It has a smaller surface area, so there’s less room for the lemon to spread out, and it pools.”

My mom: “Well, it’s weird, but at least there’s a scientific reason for it.”

Me: “There’s always a scientific reason for anything weird that I do...that, or I’m just being stupid.”

My mom: “Well, there’s a scientific reason for stupidity, too.”

Me: “Yeah, it’s called natural selection.”

My mom: (*laughs*) “Right!”


Anyone else have a funny quote or story to share? I'm dying for a laugh right now!
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
MrDrake
Member Avatar
WINDMILLS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY! GOODNIGHT!
I have one from my sister yesterday.

She was at the computer, and it wasn't working for her....and she calls out "You black piece of sh!t!"

Thing is, the computer is a black computer....so yeah.... :p
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
vonboy
Member Avatar
The IT team was fired... Fire Grilled
whenever me or my siblings fell of a bike or something like that when we were little, my parents always asked something along the lines of

Quote:
 
Did you hurt the road?
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Pangaea
Member Avatar
Resident paleo-nut
^ I remember my dad saying almost the same thing once (and probably on other occasions as well) when I hit my head on a door frame: :rolleyes
Quote:
 
My dad: “Is the door okay?”
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
LBTDiclonius
Member Avatar
Your Resident Diclonius
This happened just last night. :lol

Quote:
 
Me: *Looks at tv screen* Oh my god!

Mom: What?

Me: Nothing.

Mom: Why did you say, "Oh my god"?

Me: I saw the meaning of life.


:lol

PS, the "meaning of life" thing is because I saw "Monty Python and the Meaning of Life." on the tv, and I was glad that my dad taped it, FYI. :p
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
trulyfantasticme
Member Avatar
Panicky Haddock
Haylie survived in the sharptooth attack because she's...

FROM OUTER SPACE!!!!! :blink: :lol :lol :lol :lol

Read Always the Same Sun for details. Link is in my signature.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
The Friendly Sharptooth
Member Avatar
Beware. I eat my friends.
My family often has short yet amusing exhanges, and I figured I'd share two from last night:

Quote:
 
Brother: Hey, Michael, when you go to Jasper tomorrow, would you please take my game back and get me a new one? I'll set it right here on the table for you.

Me: Thank you.

Brother: You're welcome. /Turns to leave

Me: Wait, didn't that just happen backwards?

Brother: Yeah, well, I was going to thank you, but when you did, I just went with the flow.

Me: Oh.


Quote:
 
Father: Mike, where did I have the bandages last?

Me: If you would examine the words in your own sentence, you would realize that I have no idea, and that the only person who would know, is you.

Father: /Sigh
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
kjeldo
Member Avatar
With a slackjaw and not much to say!
on the 21st my sister celebrated her birthday, but there were also standing my graduation cards i've received on a table, so someone of my sister's friends asked if those cards were for me, i said that she isn't popular enough for so many birthday cards! :lol

OK, that one was downright mean, 'chuckle' :DD
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Redtooth101
Member Avatar
Mechanical Dino, win
Quote:
 
Mom: What are you doing in the kitchen so long?

Me: The same thing I do every night.

Mom: ?

Me: Trying to take over the world!


It just happened :lol
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
The Friendly Sharptooth
Member Avatar
Beware. I eat my friends.
This just now happened. While I personally do not find it funny, I assume there are those who might. I just got a text message that said:

Quote:
 
Our 2 are starving.


So I wrote a text back that said:

Quote:
 
I am sorry to hear that you know of some who are starving, and I will keep the situation in my prayers, but so you'll know, you've got the wrong number.


Thinking that would be the end of it, I closed my phone, but another text message arrived:

Quote:
 
Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry; will edit my contact info!


So to that, I texted:

Quote:
 
No need to apologize. Wrong numbers happen all the time. Have a nice day, and I hope that those you mentioned get some food. God bless.


Again thinking that was the last I'd heard from this person, I closed my phone once more then heard a familiar alert, showing:

Quote:
 
Thank you! Have a blessed day!


At that point, I wanted to say, "You're welcome, you too," but I thought that would be going too far so left it at that.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Allicloud
Petrie
Had this little conversation last time I brought my Pleo (a robotic pet dinosaur) into school. Me and a few other guys were playing around with him. One guy started petting and tickling him.

Quote:
 
Guy 1: This is so weird...I'm tickling a dinosaur.

(Another guys starts tickling the enormous guy standing next to him)

Guy 2: Me too.


Another little exchange that occurred when I brought him in. Once again, me and some other guys are petting him and playing with him.

Quote:
 
Guy 1: Hey Mike, what would you do if I kicked it across the room right now?

Me: (In a scarily calm voice) Well, he'd probably be totalled, so I'd kill you several times, then make you pay to get him replaced.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Serris
Member Avatar
General of the Great Valley
Bulbagarden forum

Quote:
 
Zekurom: You have to be  to the be only person who can write a crack fic and then have it morph into a war story before you finish 20 chapters.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
LBTDiclonius
Member Avatar
Your Resident Diclonius
When I was volunteering for camp, I got stuck with the youngest group. Sure, they're cute, but it's a lot of work, believe me. Anyway, while we were making rice crispie squares or something, the kids, another leader and I were playing a game of "We're going on a picnic" and the point is you have to name something you want to "bring" but there's a trick to it. If you don't get it you can't "go". Anyway, the trick was that they had to "bring" something that started with the letter of their name. When it came to this one kid, George, (He's a real trouble maker, that one. The leader of our group had to talk to his mother!) thought of something to "bring". It was wrong, of course, but here's the little conversation he and the leader who was playing the game with us.

Quote:
 
Leader: "You can't bring that, George. But you could bring a GIRAFFE because you're GEORGE."

George: "But I don't wanna."

Leader: "Come on, you can bring a Giraffe and then you can go."

George: "...Giraffe is Giraffe."

Me and the Leader: *Looks at each other with  :blink: look on our faces*


Yeah! I don't get it either! Haa...the mind of six year olds.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous)
ZetaBoards - Free Forum Hosting
Create a free forum in seconds.
Go to Next Page
« Previous Topic · The Party Room · Next Topic »
Add Reply

Modified version of the theme/skin created by "Jameswgw". Find more great designs at the ZetaBoards Theme Zone.