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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 19 2012, 03:09 AM (12,688 Views) | |
| Tiennou | Jan 25 2012, 02:06 AM Post #61 |
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Chicka Bow!
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I've always thought that because I don't feel like being depressed, I don't need to see a shrink. I was seeing a shrink a few years ago (not last year... I'll tell you why I said that). I've been feeling really bad, but not necessarily sad, for years. And I told a friend about it as I was drunk. He advised me to see a shrink and I thought why not, I could give it a try. It didn't go well. The shrink told me I was apathetic and I felt it was the same as being a psychopath. However, I have been trying to figure out why I was so grumpy last week. My life just sucks... But it's not bad situations, a hard past or anything like those that make it suck. It's just this boredom, this apathy. I can try harder and harder to do things, to feel busy, I just don't get satisfied. And it needs to change now, I can't take it anymore. If it doesn't, I will have the regret to end it myself, by all means. And I don't want that, but what's the point in life if the only concern you can have is not to forget to buy food and shit ? If you don't have any motivation and thus losing one by one all of your interests ? Feeling for others but can't express it ? Knowing that you have no future because you don't know what you want ? Feeling this... fatigue every day, thinking you're a fucking retard because of it ? When someone is talking to you and you can hardly show any interest at all in the conversation ?... tell me, what's the point ? I've never tried to kill myself all these years because I have one principle that says life is awful but death is a lot worse. I've also been keeping appearances up. Because I can't bear someone's eyes when they know something is wrong with me. I don't need to be happy, no one needs to be happy. Happiness is bullshit. I just need to be... not bored, satisfied, content or whatever. And as days go by, I feel it's getting worse. Being like that, I had to learn to fake, so people stop thinking I'm shy or I don't give a damn about anything. Because all of that is not true. So I lie, a lot. I've been lying for years. And I've lied to you, guys, about some things. Most of the things I told you about my life is not true. It's not because I like lying or I'm a compulsive liar or whatever. I just don't find anything to tell. I don't have a job. I've been looking for months, but at the interviews, I always messed up, because I look like I don't give a shit. I do have tons of work for the next two weeks. I managed to succeed in one "interview" because it was on the phone. I thought you would not think I'm lazy as hell if I had a job. And also because the truth made me really sad. Zoey doesn't exist. I thought it would be interesting for you guys to think I had love issues. I have never had a friend that fell into an alcoholic coma. Well, I do know somone who did, but I hate him. Although, the friend of the family who died from cyrrhosis was real. I can't explain this one. It's just a normal lie, without any purpose, other than bringing attention. Talking about debate, I just prefer weed to alcohol. No reason, besides the tastes and effects that are better with weed to me. Every time I said I was drunk is a lie. I was high. I still smoke cigarettes. I didn't try to quit. I thought it would be interesting for you guys to feel like things change in my life. Which isn't true. Nothing ever changes. And also because I've been thinking about quitting. I just don't have the motivation... I've never disliked Ranger, nor Apothek. I just thought acting like it, after the religious/atheism debates, would help be integrate into the forums. I am not agnostic. I'm atheist. I hate religions. But Unfie is so nice... I thought saying I hate religions might cause him to think I hate religious people too, which I don't. I didn't go to the hospital. I did haven't slept for 30-35 hours because of insomnia. But because of the fatigue, I just told you I was going to hospital... And I couldn't admit I lied. It's really hard for me to admit when I lie. Because I never do. Finally, as I said at the beginning, I wasn't seeing a shrink last year. It was about 4-5 years ago. I couldn't tell that. I had to make you understand I was weird and... some kind of freak as warning. Because that's what I am. But 4-5 years ago was too long. I would've been better since and not a freak... But I stopped seeing this shrink... because it wasn't viable. I couldn't tell my parents about it, so I had to hide it from them. And they still don't know. And I think that's all. Everything else is true. I do have huge sleeping problems, I do have cholesterol problems, I do think Wry is the nicest person on Earth, and my phobia is real, etc. Right now, you must hate me... I won't fight against that, because I have nothing to say for my defense. If I'm telling you the truth, it's because of this thread. I've been lying to you a lot all this time and you guys tell the truth. When I started lying in highschool, I thought it was fun, because it was like a game. I was sometimes feeling powerful. It kept my brain focus, because I had to remember every single lie I'd tell. But it was in highschool. I've grown up and now, I feel I'm forced to lie to people, so they could just not ignore me, think I'm a freak. So I am not all alone. But since Vel made this thread, it's... horrible. That's why I couldn't post here. I had to tell something true, I didn't know what. I couldn't find anything. But after what you all said, I just couldn't make something up again. I didn't want to either. I'm telling you the truth, not without hesitation, because I just can't be a jerk anymore. Not to you. Not right now. I feel guilty, sad, angry at myself and if God exists, I'd want him to show me mercy and kill me right here and now. I did think about it... If you guys didn't know the truth, you would still believe those lies and you wouldn't hate me. But I can't do it. I have to tell someone the truth. I have to admit my mistakes. But saying in my first post I'm apathetic and a big liar wouldn't have been really well played and I'd have been out of the forums after a week. I had to lie... I just had to. I am so sorry, to all of you, for your life, your past. And I'm sorry about the lies. From now on, I will do what I do best, keeping my mouth shut and saying yes to everything, hoping for your forgiveness, like a dog. Cause that's what I am. A dog. I am so sorry... Edited by Tiennou, Jan 25 2012, 02:21 AM.
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| Sinovera | Jan 25 2012, 04:17 AM Post #62 |
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Administrator
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Tiennou, I don't hate you and I'm 100% sure that the others do not either. The fact that you had the courage to tell us the truth is something I can respect and honestly, you really didn't need to. Not trying to say that I didn't want to hear it or w/e (far from it), but that whatever you decide to share or not share is entirely up to you and you don't owe us any explanation. As cheesy or stereotypical as this may sound, I know how you feel. The apathy, the feeling like there's nothing you really care about, the disinterest, the boredom. Some days I go damn near insane from boredom because of the apathy. I do various things for 5 minutes at a time before deciding I'm bored with it too and get up and pace around my room looking for something to do. My mind feels like it's rotting from the boredom. I hate people in real life. The people I live with in dorm all are alienated by me because I barely even look at them or say hi if I encounter them in the hall. I don't like real life conversations. I don't care about them or their stupid opinions and it's annoying and exhausting to constantly have on this mask that makes me look like I actually give a fuck. Though somehow things are different when it comes to online people... I'm not sure why. I get the don't need to be happy thing as well. Whenever I go in for mental health help they always want to make me start leading and healthy and active life style... and that's not what I want. I don't want the normal "happy" and "balanced" life. I like my life as it is, I just want these feelings to go away. Though I suppose the tough reality is that I can't have both entirely. As for the lying, I understand that too. I think I mentioned in my post that I became an "internet junkie" when I got into text based RPGs on MSN Groups. What I didn't mention is that I lied heavily to those people. The lies you have told us are small compared to what I told them. In fact, they knew me as either Adreil, Vanessa, or my real self Lyn. I managed to be three different people at the same time to them. Adreil was 16 when I first created her... 18 when I stopped using her. Vanessa was 21 - 23. I was 11 at the time. Adreil was the social butterfly, Vanessa was the stoic and kind of mysterious girl, and I was just me. Adreil is actually the one who first became friends with people in "power" and got promoted to Assistant Manager and eventually Manager. Then it was easy enough to promote my real self into Manager position. Vanessa was also Assistant Manager for a while but I didn't play her much. The reason I made these people up is because I found myself and my life so mundane and boring. All these other people had stuff to tell about their day while the only thing I would have done that day is go to school and come home to go on the computer. I guess it didn't help my addiction to the lies that Adreil was so much more popular than I was. I don't know if people ever suspected anything... if they did they never said anything and completely accepted all three of my personas. Actually, the above is something very secret to me that I only told two people in the world prior to this. The reason I tell it now I suppose is to both get it off my chest and tell you, Tien, that I don't care that you've lied to us. I've done worse to other people in the past. In fact, there's more to the story above that actually hurt some people but I'll save that. You may have lied about couple things but it really makes no difference in my regards to you. My "list of top 5" was kind of a joke but in all seriousness, you really are one of the people I like most here and you still are. I would hate for you to "keep your mouth shut and say yes to everything". I hope you consider what I have said and believe me when I say that I don't care that you lied to us and I certainly do not hate you. |
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| Monstarcookie | Jan 25 2012, 05:22 AM Post #63 |
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*hugs Tien* it's ok, I don't hate you. I don't care that you lied tbh, I still like you....or rather, the way you make me feel when I talk to you You make me giggle and happy and just *claps hands in excitement*. And that has nothing to do with your past or your present or what you've experinced. It just has to do with the way you behave, the things you say and the way you act, just...the every day things, the "mundane" things. I'm a simple girl, I'm not very exciting myself. But I also change when I go on the internet. Things I would never ever even imagine saying in real life, I feel just fine saying on the internet. Many times, it's the real me, the way the real me would act irl if she had the courage to. But as I said, I'm a simple, quite normal girl and I like simple, quite normal people. You're not a freak Tien, in my eyes, you are quite normal. I'm sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear but you are. You have issues, most people have issues. What I'm saying is....I still like you Tien, I still want you to stay and i still want you to talk to me about stuff....like ME1&2&3 and laugh at the way I suck at Witcher and speak french when you stream ![]() Also *hugs Lyn* I still like you Lyn, very much :3 |
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| Unfie | Jan 25 2012, 07:57 AM Post #64 |
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Big Sweaty Moose Bleepers
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We don't how much you lied Tien. It honestly has no effect on me. Everyone likes everything about you, especially your personality. We don't want to see you turn into some monotone robot. Please stay the way you are. |
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| Lethargus | Jan 25 2012, 08:36 AM Post #65 |
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Woof Woof Woofies!
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I agree with unfie. It doesn't have any effect on me whether you lie or not. We have no way of knowing whether one lies or not, when we are communicating the way we are. I could be lying about everything i said too. So could unfie. Personally i don't believe to a 100% what anyone on the web says. If you feel you come out as a more interesting person on the web by lying, i see no problem in doing so. |
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| emmalong | Jan 25 2012, 11:33 AM Post #66 |
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Neener Neener Neener
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it is o k tien , if i could give you hug i would ... everybody has lied some point in their life , i have as well but i am not lieng when i say i feel sorry for you nobody deserve to be sad or depressed . it is better you told us truth it makes you feel better and free knowing your your true self here , it does not matter to me you lie because i know everybody have their secret to keep . maybe your parents will give same reaction here as well ? truth be told i hate more people than like because me i put put quality before quantity i dont have many friends irl but the ones i do are very good friends and not fake .. then i turn to video games and meet people online like you guys and toegoff and it make me happy . my town is full of what we call chavs and its hard to make friends with people who make other people lifes hell , honestly people i meet over internet are better than people here but i have fun make of me because i say that . i have never had a gf either because all my friends apart from 1 has bf so i get lonely , but thank you toegoff for making me happy with your good and funny lp . im not depressed or sad or bored anything .. i just dont like the people living here in town and i spend more time alone than with friends , i love to talk to people tho its unfair . anyway this isnt about me its about you tien and sinovera and other people who post here , i hope you dont turn to suicide because life is very wonderful and as i say in other thread in the news section if money was to be taken out all our dreams come true and we live in higher conscousness and be happy . |
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| Addystrat | Jan 25 2012, 12:32 PM Post #67 |
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I Just Got Nommed
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Ah ben TABARNAK!!!... Honestly though, i just found this thread and wow, it was really interesting to read all of guys stories...i might just have to share mine latter, even if i don't like getting emotional or personnal on the internet...i just think it's very nice to see all these stories and compare. I promise i'll share mine latter : P. Be warned, there's mother issues in it. |
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| beastman721 | Jan 25 2012, 12:43 PM Post #68 |
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Chicka Bow!
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Ah f**k it. Some times I feel like I don't belong anywhere, I feel like I'm totally useless. I want a sense of accomplishment, I want to do something, but I just don' know what. I wander around a lot just thinking about trying to accomplish something. I think I'm gonna go try to run a marathon or something, I gotta do something worthwhile. Edited by beastman721, Jan 25 2012, 12:45 PM.
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| Pong | Jan 25 2012, 12:52 PM Post #69 |
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Neener Neener Neener
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Sweet today, i'm actually really happy. Iv'e been skipping school alot! I had aprox 60% absence, and i talked to my techers today, they said i might get F i som classes witch sucked but i'm gona get a shit ton of extra help from the school to katch up. So i'm really happy and mom made awsome food today so thats a plus, oh and bought a new headset, so today is awsome.
Edited by Pong, Jan 25 2012, 12:53 PM.
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| savepoints | Jan 25 2012, 01:08 PM Post #70 |
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Forum Hero
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Protip: Stay in school... |
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| GhostBox | Jan 25 2012, 01:15 PM Post #71 |
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I Just Got Nommed
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I try to keep my absence down, but that can become really tough at times... I got a NG in Order last semester. On a scale of Bad, Not So Good and Good... <.<" My parents didn't like that very much, then again I had 7days and 38 hours away from school <.< |
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| Lethargus | Jan 25 2012, 01:35 PM Post #72 |
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Woof Woof Woofies!
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Wouldn't that equel to 8 days and 14 hours? Anyway, i try to keep my absence as low as possible, although i'm probably gonna skip gym class on friday... For the year (starting right after the summer holidays) i have an approx. of 3% absence...maybe 4%. |
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| GhostBox | Jan 25 2012, 01:48 PM Post #73 |
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I Just Got Nommed
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Not with the silly system we have here in Norway... <.< |
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| Pong | Jan 25 2012, 01:49 PM Post #74 |
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Neener Neener Neener
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This is why sweden is better =P |
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| Unfie | Jan 25 2012, 02:16 PM Post #75 |
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Big Sweaty Moose Bleepers
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Gotta love it when you turn off everything on your anti-virus software to install a program that's obviously not a virus... and then it still blocks it... Damn Norton stopped me from playing Minecraft with my bro. ~.~ |
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You make me giggle and happy and just *claps hands in excitement*. And that has nothing to do with your past or your present or what you've experinced. It just has to do with the way you behave, the things you say and the way you act, just...the every day things, the "mundane" things. I'm a simple girl, I'm not very exciting myself. But I also change when I go on the internet. Things I would never ever even imagine saying in real life, I feel just fine saying on the internet. Many times, it's the real me, the way the real me would act irl if she had the courage to. But as I said, I'm a simple, quite normal girl and I like simple, quite normal people. You're not a freak Tien, in my eyes, you are quite normal. I'm sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear but you are. You have issues, most people have issues. What I'm saying is....I still like you Tien, I still want you to stay and i still want you to talk to me about stuff....like ME1&2&3 and laugh at the way I suck at Witcher and speak french when you stream 





7:12 PM Jul 10